Sweet Karma [boyxboy]

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen (Julian)

Adam and I sat on the bed across from each other, not saying a single word yet.

I think we were both trying to sort out our thoughts, trying to find something to say, but I kept drawing a blank and judging from Adam's eerie silence and hard stare, he couldn't think of any way to start this talk either. I nibbled my lower lip, hugging the pillow to my chest for a moment before I took a deep breath and forced myself to speak despite the tightness in my chest.

"I... I'm really sorry." I managed at last. Adam looked caught off guard for a moment, then quickly recovered and looked at me with intense hazel eyes. He didn't speak. His expression told me to go on, though, so I forced myself to continue while avoiding his eyes.

"I'm really, so sorry. For my parents, for my siblings, for this whole mess, for not listening to you, or even taking the time to try and figure you out. For everything. I'm... just really, really freakin' scared, especially after Alex told me about Nicholas. I don't want that to happen to you... Adam, if something happened to you, I don't know what I might do. Probably spontaneously combust or something." I explained, cursing myself for the way my voice trembled. I fell silent, not trusting myself to continue.

"You don't need to apologize," Adam said at last, looking right at me, "You didn't do anything wrong. None of this is your fault. You didn't ask for it... And yeah, I know you're scared. I see it every time you wake up in the morning and every time you go to bed, every time we walk into school, and every time you get close to me. Like you're afraid I won't come back. Is that how you felt when I left earlier?" I felt my lower lip tremble and bit down on it before clearing my throat, nodding instead of responding.

"I'll always come back, Julian," Adam answered quietly, scooting across the bed to sit in front of me, his hands reaching out to take mine, "Always." I didn't say anything, not yet. I didn't want to start crying again, because I was tired of crying. It only made me feel like crap, vulnerable, broken.

And that wasn't me.

I wasn't vulnerable. I wasn't broken.

We were quiet for a while longer before I forced myself to speak in a steady voice, savoring the way Adam's hands held mine, his thumbs smoothing over my knuckles.

"I'm ready to listen," I said at last, making Adam look at me with a frown, "I haven't been doing much listening lately. I keep talking and then I say the wrong things. Like, earlier? I didn't mean what I said. About... About Hunter and you. I'm sure Hunter's dealt with some painful shit before too and he can't be flawless under all that leather. Ah, this isn't coming out the way it sounded in my head. I'm really sorry." To my surprise, Adam laughed quietly, making me look up at him. He placed his hands on my cheeks before trailing them through my hair, giving me goosebumps as he cupped my head, tilting it to face him, his eyes studying me intently.

"Julian, it's all right, really. I just... overreacted before."

"B-But--"

"Ssh," Adam gave me a butterfly kiss on the lips before withdrawing to look into my eyes, "Stop apologizing. You haven't done anything. You're just being yourself. And that's what I love." I didn't say anything now, letting Adam kiss me a few times on the lips. They weren't the deep, hungry kisses I was used to. They were light and gentle, making my body ache to get closer to him. I slowly drew closer to him, crawling over and sitting in his lap, nuzzling his ear. He sighed as if it were the greatest thing in the world. He put his arms around my waist, pulling me up against him, resting his head against my chest.

"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, wrapping my arms around his head to hold it against my chest. He closed his eyes in bliss, tightening his arms around me.