Faded

liv

Lauren plans

Great things for

My seventeenth

Birthday but

I'd much prefer a

Small autumn barbecue by

The lake

Or Oscar River.

We have been

Back at school

For a week now.

And we were talking

About my birthday

At break

When you came and

Sat down next to us.

I scanned around us

To see if it was

Just a dare from your

Friends but

You seemed

Friendly and

Nice.

I averted my eyes

A lot

Because I didn't want

To create any tension

Or awkwardness

Like I always do.

But Will and Lauren

Continued on

And I just watched

Your hands softly

Tapping a rhythm onto the

Table we

Were sat around.

They looked soft

And strong.

So different to mine.

My hands are worn

And old from

Eczema and

Piano playing.

Your hands told me a lot though.

They showed you have been

Cared for and

You're healthy.

They also told me

You had no reason

To tire them

Out.

I remembered how

Your hand had once

Touched mine.

I could feel my cheeks redden

From the memory

And it was at that moment

You said my name.

Will and Lauren had

Stopped talking but it

Felt like it was

Just you and me.

And the way you were

Looking at me

Made me feel special

And wanted.

You asked what I really wanted to do

And I said

I didn't know.

I lied

Because Will and Lauren were there.

Perhaps if it

Was just you

I would have said.

At home,

I sat in bed with my birthday present puppy

And read a good book.

But even as I drifted off to sleep

And my mind was at its most vulnerable

I still thought of you.

Why do I always think of you?

Why can't I let you go.

You're not interested

Because who

Would ever

Actually love me?

Because being wanted

Is not the same as

Being loved.

I think it's to be a

Long and

Cold night.

The kind of night that

makes my hands

age in the darkness.

(found under Chloe Mcmullen's bed)