A Shade of Cool

VI: The Flowers and the Promise

The smell of hospitals made me sick. The sound of them drove me nuts. The sight of them caused me to feel uneasy. Mom had done this before, when Dad left, when it all happened. She did it. It was all my fault. I promised her I'd be home, I said 'See you soon!'. If I went home when I said I would maybe I could have stopped her? The worst part was how emotionless I felt. I should be crying but after this being the fifth time, all I could do was sit there and watch her. She laid on the bed, beautiful, angelic. Gently breathing in and out as the monitor beside her beeped quietly.

The doctors told me our neighbour Mr Wilkes had heard a smash whilst trimming his hedges, he'd found her... he found her. That's all. It should've been me who found her, it should've been me.

Growing tired of watching her, I pulled out my school books and took to studying, not noticing the clock as it grew closer to midnight. They'd allowed me to stay, considering I hadn't a ride home and I didn't feel in the mood to talk to Ana. I most certainly wasn't turning to Noah, it was humiliating enough, him hearing about it.

After a long time of me scribbling notes, I heard footsteps hurry toward the door, burst in, making me look up quickly. "Marissa..." I said. My sister stared at my Mom then at me, her face suddenly changed from angry to complete breakdown. Jumping up, I caught her as she fell down, crying. No, not crying. Screaming.

"Sh.." I held her tightly, "I'm so sorry, sh," I rocked her slightly as she shook and sobbed into my shoulder, her fingers clutched onto me, tight and trembling. I let her hold me like that until it hurt. Until I felt the marks on my body and I had to push her away slightly, "I'm really sorry-" I began as she stood up, wiping her face.

"No, no I am," She sighed, "Is she... will she be okay?"

I didn't know how to answer her. How do you tell someone that their Mom was comatosed and might have brain damage? How was that possible? She stared at me, longing for an answer. All I could do was shrug slightly, feeling hopeless. Defeated.

"Oh god," Marissa buried her face in her hands and and then through her hair, staring at Mom, "Where's Avery?" She must've read my expression. Her hands dropped and left her hair looking wild as she gave me a look of anger, "So you lied to me about that too?"

I couldn't speak.

"I asked you so many times! I left you to look after them! Mom was a years sober when I left, did you know that? A YEAR! No, no I don't suppose you would considering I was the one to clear up her mess, look after her and sit in THAT seat!" Marissa shouted.

"Exactly. You did," I narrowed my eyes, "How dare you. How dare you come back here and tell me what- you know what? Fuck you! Because since you left to live your happy fucking life! I've been the one to pick up where you left off! No one explained this to me! No one helped me! So yeah, this is my seat now, thanks to you! Don't come back here giving me orders or telling me how badly I've done!" Two doctors rushed in, one coming up to me and another to Marissa who just stood there, crying.

"Please, if you keep shouting we will have to ask you to leave," The one by Marissa warned us.

"We're sorry," Marissa continued to stare at me, her eyes softening, "Please go." She told them and slowly but surely, they stepped out. Marissa sighed, sniffling a bit as she looked back at Mom in her bed. Looking so peaceful, "That wasn't fair. I'm sorry," She told me, leaning against the end of the bed.

"I know," I replied, crossing my arms.

"I can't believe it's happening again," She said, "When will it end? Is there even an end? Is this just it?"