A Shade of Cool

VIII: How to Fix the Unfixable

"What..." Noah stared at me, a part of him hoped I was joking and a part of him was terrified, I could tell. I could also tell that I had made a huge mistake. A mistake I couldn't take back or erase. He was there, I was there and the secret that i his within me was out.

I shook my head slowly, "I-I... I don't know..." I backed away also slipping off the bed as I wiped my tears away frantically. Noah reach out trying to take my hand, "Hey, hey, it's okay!" But I darted away from him and stood, sniffing.

"I shouldn't have told you-"

"I don't care - mind, I don't mind!" He promised me, "Hey, listen, I'm here. I told you that I'm here, didn't I? Please just talk to me about it. You can trust me and you know that!" I sighed, crossing my arms and looking away from him feeling half terrified and half mortified. My memory went back to me, ten years old and what I read. I don't know why I did it and maybe if i didn't none of this would've happened...

"I was so dumb," I said, "I didn't know what I was doing doing when I did it... I was ten and it was Avery's eleventh birthday party. I went into her room grab a spare towel because that's where we'd put them, in a cupboard in her room. Our cousin, Teddy took mine so I climbed out of the pool, headed for her room and grabbed a towel," I recollected, "But I... I felt something hard under it. I looked inside and saw a book. It was her diary. Avery never kept a diary, that's what I thought! I never saw her write in one, buy one or even talk about one!" I slowly sat down beside Noah again.

"I looked inside and read about stuff I knew I shouldn't. It wasn't bitching about Math or school or what Mom did a week ago. It was heavy stuff. How alone she felt..." I frowned remembering her neat scribbles describing her loneliness, "And then I saw things about Dad- I really can't!" I sniffled but Noah's hand took mine and he gave he one of his smiles and nodded slightly, "I understand if you don't, okay? I just thought it would be best if you talked about it," He explained.

I gripped his warm hand in mine and smiled back through the tears, "The things I read... they were too much. They were sickening. But they weren't my Dad. They weren't the man I once knew, the man who gave me toys and cats and sweets and took us on holidays and brought us- it wasn't him!" I said.

"I know, I get it!" Noah sighed, "But what you read, there's a reason she wrote that. It must've been the truth," He reasoned.

"I showed Mom... I told her I found her 'story'. That's what Mom told me it was, but if it was, why did I wake up the next morning to find Dad gone?" I asked in frustration, "I've never thought about it. Until Mom was in hospital and I saw her laying there looking half dead! Maybe if i didn't show her-"

"If you didn't show her think about where your sister would be? Think about the abuse she'd have to deal with? It would be much worse than her running away," Noah told me, "You did the right thing. You don't see that now but maybe tomorrow, in a month, in a year, you might see that."

"I ruined my family, didn't I?" I looked at him, "I destroyed them."

Noah frowned and pulled me into a hug, his arms around me, pulling me in as I sunk into his warm. My hands sliding up to his shoulders as I nestled my face into his neck again, "Don't you ever say that, don't you ever think that!" He whispered in my ear. His hands rubbed over my back as I calmed down, my thought slowed and my body relaxed.

He moved back and took my face in his hands, "Listen to me, you may not see this or know this but you are the most excellent person I've ever met. From the day I first saw you I knew it! I may not have shown it or told you it, I was too... scared to. I was too worried. I didn't know what that meant but I did k now that among all the boys in our school only you shone out. Why else did you think I invited you to the party? It wasn't about the booze or help. I knew that after this year that was it. I wouldn't see you again. I wouldn't get an opportunity to know you again," He said, "I don't know why. But I feel like you were a good thing. A good thing for me. Eric, my friends. They aren't real! But you... you felt real. You never tried to be like us, you never shone to everyone else, you never wanted attention or popularity. You were just you. I needed that. They say surround yourself with those you inspire you," he shrugged, "Well I think I've found that."