A Shade of Cool

XXXIII: Our Decisions

The drive home was the most awkward drive I had ever experienced. The soft tune of a Velvet Underground song played in the background as we drove through the midnight streets, the rains softly hitting the car and Kathy's gentle snoring from the back where she leant against Noah. I tried to stare ahead but occasionally looked over to see him staring out the window, feeling guilty for what I said and the silent treatment I was now giving him. But I couldn't talk at that moment in time.

So the entire ride home was spent in silence.

Going there, I never knew the outcome. Coming back, it was as clear as day. The outcome was that nothing would be the same, at least not for now. I had no idea where I was with him, I had no idea where he was with himself and that hurt the most.

As we pulled into the familiar environment of our town; Kathy stirred to consciousness and finally broke the hours of silence, "Uhh, we're here," She groaned as she stretched out, Noah narrowly missing her arm that swung up. Alanna shook herself awake for the third time through the drive and nodded, "Yup."

We drove toward Noah's house first and pulling up, I could instantly feel Noah's anxiety about the situation. I turned to look over at him and gave him a reassuring smile, "It'll be okay, remember that."

He looked over to me and gave me a halfhearted smile, "Yeah..."

Kathy headed out and walked to the back to get their stuff, Noah taking his time to follow her as he saw the lights switch on inside the house. It was nearly one in the morning, I doubted his parents would be ready for 'the talk' yet. I hoped, for his sake.

"Right, I'll see you guys later," Kathy said, leaning into the car.

"See ya later," Alanna called over, tiredly.

"Bye," I said, "And thank you."

She just winked at me before moving out, shutting the door. However, with the shut came a tap at my window. Opening it to see Noah's face, I couldn't help but feel a little bit warmer inside, "I'm really, really sorry. I honestly... You were right, I am being selfish. I need to face them," He looked over to the house behind him and then at me, "I'm just... I'm scared. Really fucking scared." This was the first time I'd truly seen fear in his eyes. A dread that I'd saw very few times especially on his face. It made me feel bad.

I reached over and took his hand in mine, "I'm here."

"You promise?" HIs voice faltered as he held back obvious tears.

"I promise," I gave a simple nod.

He let go of my hand and nodded, sighing as he stepped away from the car, "See you soon," He said as he hesitantly stood on the curb. After a moment of standing there, he ran his hand through his hair, took a deep breathe and followed Kathy toward the house. I shut the window and looked over at Alanna.

Alanna drove off, heading to my house. It was a short drive but once there she stopped the engine altogether and completely turned to me, "You know you don't owe him anything, right?" She remarked.

"Have you ever been in love with someone? So much that you can't let them down no matter how angry or upset you are with them? No matter what they do?" I asked her, "I owe him a lot because he gave me a lot. He was the one who helped me through... so much and I do owe him."

"You love him?" She asked.

"Yeah... I think, I kinda think I always have," I nodded, thinking back to those moments where I'd see him walk past, when I'd hear his voice in class, where he was so close I could touch him but he never knew who I was. "You're a brave person, Jacob," Alanna said, "You still dare to go through 'love' even after everything that's happened to you. I couldn't- I can't do that... I admire you for that."