101 Reasons (A HUNDRED AND ONE REASONS NOW AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES)

Reason Number 2

So tell me.

What am I supposed to say?

When I'm all choked up

And you're okay?

-Breakeven by The Script

My brother just laughed everything of; he is probably in denial. My Mom is stunned upon hearing the news and is now both psychologically dumb and deaf. My Dad just stood there, holding my Mom's hand tight, so tight that I think her veins will eventually explode.

When we got home, no one even had the courage to turn on the lights. Maybe they are afraid to see my expression, or maybe afraid of their own. I don't know what expression my face is pulling off, but I swear it's neither grief nor hatred. I think it doesn't sink in yet, I still feel perfectly normal. When will I feel it then? Will it sink in when I'm on the verge of dying? I hope not.

Mom went straight to the kitchen, maybe she will cook something and eat, or maybe she'll just cry all night. My Dad walked back to the garage probably doing the same thing my Mom is doing right now, crying. My brother went straight to his bedroom and I heard that he locked his door, he never locks his door, and maybe his hard-core dancing will be postponed tonight.

As for me, I just stood there at the door and watched all of them disappear one by one. I think they should've just hugged me, or tell me things that will make it the least okay. I'd rather face it with false hopes than without hope at all, so I don't have to feel this strange feeling. I felt that my disease is killing me, I am alone, and my family has already given up on me.

When I reached my room I saw my phone blinking madly on my bed. I looked at it to see about 30 unread messages.

From: Aya

Hey! Where are u? Been calling ur house for ages, no one's answering! I hope u

din't bring ur whole family here. That is not cool!

Aya probably repeated that same message for about 10 times which I think is completely absurd and waste of time and money. I should've just brought them all to the party; maybe things will be different if that happened.

From: Lee

Ann, wer r u?ur phone's been dead busy but Aya told me no one's answering. Call me ok?

From: Lee

Call me please.

From: Lee

Wer d hell r u?

From: Lee

U r really creeping me out! call me or I'll tell the whole school that u snort wen u

slip & fart even!

I smiled, the rest has been Lee's messages, some same messages he repeated over and over again. How would Lee feel if he knows about my disease? Will he ditch me with some other girl who is healthy and doesn't have leukemia? I hope he doesn't, he's my only hope even if he's not really my boyfriend.

Monday came and I crept out of bed as silently as I can. I try to remember if all that happened yesterday is just a dream. I look at my arm only to be disappointed, the band aid that the nurse placed after she got some blood samples is still there.

I turn the door knob slowly and peek outside; I heard the usual noise in the kitchen, only it is not that usual at all. I crept through my brother's room and glued my ear to his door. I hear no American Rejects in his speakers, usually his hard-core noise is the one that makes me squirm out of bed and trample him to death. I rest my face on the cool maple door, the silence soothes me, and I hope I can stay there, glued forever.

It must have been about five minutes when my brother opens the door the next thing I know I am already lying flat on the floor. My Mom immediately ran upstairs to ask us.

"What happened? Is everything alright?" Mom must have been really nervous; instead of a spatula she brought the whole frying pan with her upstairs.

"Hahaha. Just fell." I said as I straighten up and brush the invisible dirt on my pajamas. She smiled, maybe its best that she will just cry in front of me. But she didn't.

After Mom returned to the kitchen, my brother entered his room again and I followed him. Neither of us spoke, I wish that my brother could turn into his door so that I can lean on it.

"How are you?" He asked, trying to sound normal.

I lay on his bed and then messed up his blanket. Before, he would shoo me away fix it and curse me while saying nonstop that I cannot set foot to his room ever again. But he didn't even wince, even when I picked on my nose and wiped my finger on his pillow. He just looked at me, nothing but disbelief register his face.

"You should at least yell the hell out of yourself." I said as I look at him, his tears, I bet, are threatening to fall down his manly face. I almost laughed, if only things were different, then everything will be normal.

"I'm a strong girl. You know that. I can kick leukemia's butt with eyes closed." I said, and then I stand in his bed and did some ninja moves. He laughs and I collapse down in his bed again.

"Leukemia has no butt." He said. I should've kicked him instead for saying that, he should at least be encouraging me and giving me false hopes, but he didn't. Instead he told me and made me face the truth. I hugged him. If I were in a movie, tears would've been flowing in my eyes, but not a single tear fell, though a curve formed my lips and I know James is smiling as well.

God, please don't take me yet. I have to spend more time with my brother first.

Please, I still have so many things to tell him. Please let me stay with him, even just for a while.

That was the first time that I ever talked to God.

I feel like a saint.