101 Reasons (A HUNDRED AND ONE REASONS NOW AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES)

Reason Number 11

Don't fear death,

Fear a life unlived.

You don't have to live forever,

You just have to live.

-icanread.tumblr

I was half awake, half dead the moment the ambulance arrived. Yes. Although I thought it was absurd, but it feels like that, I was half dead indeed. I didn't feel Stan's hands that time for I know it was James who rushed as fast as thunderbolt the moment I fell from Stan's grasp.

I can hear the loud siren of the ambulance but I am too weak to open my eyes, I am too weak to speak. I am too weak to tell James and Stan that everything's going to be alright. I am too weak that even I doubted myself. I wanted to hold James' hand so bad just so I could know that I can still feel. I tried to move my hands but I am too weak to do so, I can't even wiggle my fingers to save my life. Just then, just then when I was about to give up, because I cannot do anything for myself, I felt his hands brush and then held mine. He didn't need to be named, I'm just grateful that he is there beside me, and he is there to comfort James.

And I felt how lucky we were just to have someone like him. I didn't know how long I slept that night, I didn't know how many hours, days even weeks. But when I woke up that time I felt different. It is slowly sinking in on me and I can feel it, every bone, every organ, every cell in my body feels it. I have cancer and it is already winning over me. I opened my eyes to see Mom and Dad crouched in one corner both sleeping. And then there's my brother James holding the tip of my finger bent down in my bed, sleeping as well. He must've been holding my hands ever since we arrived in this God's forsaken place. And then there's Aya whose head is leaning on Lee's shoulder, everyone is here. They are all here for me.

"You're awake." I turned around to see Stan on the other side of my bed; he is the only one awake.

"How long have I been asleep?" He smiled.

"Not that long really. About 5 hours."

"Why are you awake? All of them are dead sleeping."

"I wanted to be the first one to see your eyes. But you know the secret, Lee's been dead awake too, I only tossed some of your Valium so that he'll sleep."

"I'm taking valium?"

"Gotcha!"

I was about to punch him but then he took my hand in his, he hold it tight. I've always wanted someone to hold my hand like that, I felt a surge of hope. I am not alone.

"James told the doctor that you didn't want to undergo chemotherapy." His voice somewhat dejected.

"You're not there when they told me the side effects."