101 Reasons (A HUNDRED AND ONE REASONS NOW AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES)

Reason Number 25

"But there are much worse games to play."

-heckyeahawesome.tumblr

Philippines doesn't practice thanksgiving, I think we're the only family who does. And we do it on Christmas Eve. Some people write what they're thankful for during thanksgiving. They write lists of things they should be thankful for. Today's thanksgiving focuses more on how much I had gained in life, how much of it has left and how much of it remained.

"17: Because you make me believe that looking back on ugly things makes one strong. Live for me."

I try to build myself up, tried to put courage block by block, tried to stack up confidence to make myself higher. I tried to build tall castles of strengths and little bushes of weakness, so when the time comes that he will return he can easily find me. Please Stan, find me.

"18: Everything is worth it as long as I do it for you. Live for me."

I sat at our kitchen pretending to be busy cutting some carrots while my Mom bake her famous cakes, Dad on the other hand keeps himself busy decorating our dinner table. James sat beside me eating almost everything I peel and cut. When dinner came, the table is composed of the usual people who come once in a while during Christmas; the only one missing is the one who I've spent almost half of my Christmas on earth.

"19: Christmas is a whole lot happier when I celebrate it with your family. Live for me."

"20: Though we're not the best dancers in the world we still harmonize in our own music. Live for me."

I remember everything clearly, was it just two months ago? When he asked for my hand and we danced like crazy people under the raging rain? Was it really just months ago? It felt like years... No, it felt like a lifetime.

"21: Because you listen to my random ramblings even if it only involves me sulking over a lost game."

I can still hear him whining while James rubs it hard on his face that he lost. Every memory of Stan is left etched in my mind, and his memories played in my dreams like a broken cassette tape that's constantly on repeat.

"22: Because you make me want to wake up each and every day. Live for me."

That's when reality sets in, it's Christmas Eve and as usual Aya and Lee are spending it with my family, with my Mom's tradition of saying something to be thankful for before eating dinner. Aya and Lee sat along side of me while my brother James sat opposite me. "Who gets to start first?" asked my Mom as we all look at each other feeling odd that one chair is unoccupied.

I looked down, probably James and Lee did the same, I felt Aya's nudging in my arms as I try to shoo her away. "I will." I hear her not so giddy voice, almost monotone and almost as if saying 'what-the-hell-will-I-say.' Both my Mom and Dad edged closer on their seats waiting for Aya to start.

"Well, I'm thankful that Ann is still with us this... ouch!" she screamed and I saw her glare at Lee who is signalling her to shut the fuck up. "Well, I'm thankful that I'm now almost through in Advanced Calculus." She said then looked at me, "You?" I wanted to just strangle her as I made a mental note to never invite her again next thanksgiving dinner; I showed her the "what-the-hell-look" and looked at both my parents who are eagerly waiting in what I'm going to say.

"Me first!" Lee said, smiling at me, "I'm really, really thankful for the wonderful meal Tita, for always inviting us to have dinner with you and your family, for making us this nourished when our own parents forgets to feed us. Thank you for this awesome and curly pasta, for this awesome pizza, this kick-ass turkey and this yummy mashed potato, I think it would be rude if we keep them waiting, let's all just eat instead." Lee and James high-fived for the very first time while we all laughed at Lee's speech. We all ate, thanks to Lee for sparing me in one gory and dramatic speech.

"Time for gifts!" I said excitedly after we are all finished eating. This time I bought each one of them a present instead of having to convince them to just have to pick one. I bought Mom a bag, Dad a new shirt since he really needs one, James a new skin for his laptop, Lee a New Jersey shirt and Aya a Calculus book which she seems to love GENUINELY. My Mom got me a camera, can you believe it?! While my Dad bought me a scrapbook and tons of materials. James bought me NOTHING! He wrapped a box and when I opened it, it was a big nothing! I immediately took my gift away from his grasp.

Lee gave me a new perfume while Aya gave me a chemistry book. "Seriously Aya?" I said waving the book in front of her face.

"Hey. You told me you really need help in Chem, that'll help you I swear."

"Right."

"Hey at least my box actually have something." My brother cleared his throat and glared at Aya while opening the box that Mom gave him, he too got a camera. The doorbell rang and when I opened it, I saw Steph and Enzo holding each one presents.

"Aww you got me a present." I said to Steph trying my hardest to mock her.

"I didn't! It's from him too. I'll wait in the car." Enzo just nodded and Steph stalked off to their car.

"Come in?"

"Nah, just open it here. Plus if she sees me enter your house she'll probably just leave me here and die in the cold December wind," I took both boxes and we sat on the porch, I opened first the box that Steph carried it's a sweater and apparently it really is from her. I felt bad and so I made a mental note to give her one when school starts again next year. Then I opened Enzo's, it was a beautifully crafted notebook. I looked at him quizzically. "I know you can't tell what you're feeling to anyone, it's better to just let it out, run wild, set everything free by writing it. It helps." With that, he kissed me on the cheeks and whispered. "Have a great Christmas Ann." And I hope he did too.

When the dinner party is over Aya and Lee left and James did the dishes. I went straight to my bedroom and opened Enzo's gift, I didn't notice, one by one, I'm beginning to write the rest of the reasons that I opened since the day Stan left.

"23: Because you make me want to see that there are brighter things in life. Live for me."

I started scribbling all the reasons till my hands can write no more, till my heart cannot take it any longer. Then the next thing I knew everything is spinning. And that was that. When I woke up I was lying in the last place that I wanted to spend my Christmas on. I saw my brother leaning on the wall crying, while both my Mom and Dad held each other tight for support. They didn't know that I was awake; they didn't know that I heard it all once again as if everything has just been being replayed in my head. It's December 25, 2010. 12:02 in the wee hours of morning. Christmas.

I'm no longer in remission and my cancer is progressing.