My Life, My Fate, My Story

Living with the hate

Author Notes:

Here comes the climax, here comes the climax. Ok, after this I don't know how many chapters would be left, but I'm quite sure it won't be a lot. I'd say it's gonna end between 30-40 chapters. I feel like dragging the story for too long. I don't know... Whatever. I have the next chapter planned out in my head. It's only a matter of time when I'm gonna put it into words and update. Just look for it.

Also, I have made a new tumblr account for my stories. So, if you are intrested, or if you have time, go and check it out.

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~CheyenneCupCake

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Living with the hate

During the past week I’ve locked up myself in my room, refusing to get out. The girls had tried to get me out of the room. Though I did not leave the room except for the toilet. I started to starve myself and I resorted to cutting again. I’m quite sure that my family would not be proud of how I had handled the situation, but, what could I do? I’ve been fighting this for god knows how long, I think it’s only fair when I start to break. I’m not made of iron for god sake!

I know mum had called since I heard Eve talking to her on the phone, assuring her that I’m alright. I’m far from alright, but Eve knows that I don’t want to worry my mum. The only one I talk to is Ryan, since he’s my manager. I can’t just ignore him. I only speak to him in short sentences though. He knows that he couldn’t get me talking in a short time, so he asked Morgan to cook me a homemade meal, hoping that I would at least eat something, which I refused.

He dragged me down to the streets afterwards. People shooting glances at me that showed pity. I don’t need anymore pity, I’m fine with what I have right now. Why can’t people just see that? What can’t they just leave me alone? I was doing good before the hate, people hadn’t been so mean to me before. What made them to hate me so much now? Just because I know One Direction? Is that a good reason to hate on me? I don’t think so! So please, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

I didn’t know that I had shouted that out until people started to look at me. I covered my face with my hands trying to hide. I just really want to dig a hole and hide in there right now. I don’t know how long I had stood there, but then I don’t know if I was there at all. When I returned to my senses, I was already back at my flat. I shook my head and looked at my accompainions. They all gave me a caring look.

I don’t know what came over me, but the next second, I’m already hugging someone. It’s a girl for sure. From the smell, I’d say it’s Kristen.

“Thank you” I whispered in her ear

“For what?”

“For everything” I replied

I let go of her and I looked at everyone.

“Thank you”

They gave me a questioning look, encouraging me to go further

“Thank you for being with me. I wouldn’t gone through this alone. You guys have been here for me. So thank you. You guys mean a lot to me. This sound cheesy, but I have to say it. You guys are my VIP in my life. I don’t know how I’ll live on without you guys. Promise me that you guys will never leave me. Please.”

“We promise.”

They think that I’m better, but I’m not. I don’t want them to be worried for me. They shouldn’t be worried for me, the also have a life of themselves. They promised me that they’ll never leave me. I really hope they don’t, but people always break promises. I won’t be surprised if they broke this promise. When they find someone better, when they find someone who isn’t as clingy as me. Someone who needs people by their side to feel safe. Someone who’s that world is hating on. I just hope that if they have to break that promise, don’t do it behind my back. Do it in front of my face, tell me that I’m not enough. That’ll hurt less.

I cut up the vegetables as Amily start cooking for us. I decided I’m not going to eat, but still, I’ll help. I enjoy cooking, it’s just I suck at this. They’re going to have spaghetti bolognese tonight, it smells good, but still, I feel sick. I just really don’t want to disappoint them. I guess I’ll have to eat a bit of the spaghetti and then go to the toilet. I’ll hope that they won’t get what I want to do in the toilet.

I rang up the One Direction boys, Steven and Alice. Inviting them to the party here. We had chatted for a while, played video games with the Wii provided, played cards and we had fun. They had kept an eye on me, but I looked so happy that they started to relax and focused more onto the games.

Though, by the end of the day, Steven still looked so concerned. He seems to see what I have done in the toilet, and I really don’t want him to mention it. He seems to get the clue that I don’t want to talk about it, so he left me alone. By 12, seeing that I seem to be better, everyone left, except for Eve. Her mum will pick her up tomorrow morning since it’s too late now.

I made a few plans with Eve, considering we hadn’t really had some time out together since filming started. I feel like a bad friend again. We would visit a local coffee shop tomorrow morning before her mum picks her up. I’ll be following her car to her place and we’ll hang out together for the day.

On my day out with Eve, I still get some hate., but people also give us the space we needed. I was thankful for that. For how understanding my fans are. I do have the best fans in the planet. Even though most of my haters are Directioners, there’s still a majority of them that are really nice. They had been supporting me on all sorts of social media. Doing what the Directioners are capable of, their team spirit really surprised me.

I don’t know what got those Directioners to help me. It could be that they’re real fans of the boys. They realised that I would never be one of their girlfriend. My background story. Or my fame. Anyways, I’m still really happy that there’s still someone out there that helps me. I’m grateful for that.

I’m thankful for the supporters, but I’m also thankful for the haters too. Without them, I could not improve, they had made me become the new me. Still, I have my old being inside of me. I’m quite sure of that, but outside my inner self, I have this protective layer. This is necessary if I don’t want to be hurt again. Though, I’m quite sure that I can’t be hurt anymore.

This is what I think, but I’ll never know if it’s true or not. Maybe, I’ll be hurt, even more than ever.