Tell me what you think of this one. It was all me, and I was in a mood.
Magnus glanced into the mirror and fixed his white bowtie. Slowly, he took a deep breath and tried to fight the tears that always seemed to be threatening him lately. Finally, he portaled to the institute.
He was met by Izzy. Thank god it wasn't Maryse. Magnus didn't think he could handle Maryse at the moment. "Hey, Magnus, how are you doing?" Izzy asked, squeezing his upper arm slightly. Magnus looked up at her and gave her a small, obviously fake smile. Everyone made their way into the room where the ceremony was set up. The room looked like a mass of white. Magnus couldn't look at the pyre as he walked in. It would be too much for him. A silent brother began the ceremony. Magnus' emotions became over powering. He felt the first tear fall. It was silent, but Magnus knew he'd be sobbing soon. Instead of making a scene, he quietly walked out of the room.
Izzy came up behind him as he was trying to calm himself down. "I know, Magnus, it's hard."
Magnus turned toward her and said, "You don't seem to be bothered too much." He heard his own voice crack.
"We're prepared for this, Magnus. All shadowhunters know that there's a chance of injury or death every time we go on a mission." She pulled Magnus in for a hug. That's all it took for Magnus to break.
"I—I should've been there. I could've saved him. He wouldn't be dead right now if I had done something," Magnus sobbed onto Izzy's shoulder.
"It's not your fault Magnus. If anyone could've prevented it, they would've. You know Jace would give up his own life for Alec, just like you would."
"I knew he was going to die eventually, but I wasn't ready. I thought I had another sixty years with him."
"I know, Magnus, I know."
"He was the first person I'd loved in a century. I didn't let myself feel love, until he came along."
"You were the first person he ever loved. You were his first real relationship, and you were probably going to be his last."
"Don't stay things like that, please. It actually hurts," Magnus begged.
A few minutes later, Magnus and Izzy went back to the funeral. It was just being concluded with the silent brother saying, "Pulvis et umbra sumus." (We are dust and shadows)
*****************
Magnus jerked awake from the dream and immediately turned to Alec's side of the bed to tell him about the dream. He stopped dead. Alec's side of the bed was empty; cold, as it's been for the last couple years. That familiar pain was back in Magnus' chest. He reached over for one of Alec's old pillows and breathed in, hoping to smell Alec. Nothing, just himself. Magnus hadn't been able to smell Alec in the apartment for a while now. It was as if he'd never lived, but Magnus still remembered him. His smile that could light up a room, especially if he was looking at Magnus. The thick black curls that Magnus could run his fingers through. His eyes: the most beautiful blue that Magnus ever saw. He'd spend hours getting lost in those eyes. He'd never love someone else so much. He'd never find another man like Alexander Gideon Lightwood.
