URGENT (Book 2 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 14: Bad Girls Run (Drinking) Games

Mac

Not very much time passes before I hear the door to my suite open and Adam's steady footfalls come ever closer. I frantically scrub at my tears with the comforter but abandon it quickly. There is no way to conceal my ugly cry once it starts. So instead I turn away from the bedroom door. Maybe he will think I'm asleep.

Adam pauses in the doorway of the darkened bedroom. Then, without a word he walks around to the side of the bed I'm facing and sits down.

I turn away before he can speak.

He strokes my hair.

"You have every right to cry. I don't know if it's one of the stupid things I've done in the last two days that has made you cry, or if it's because the condom broke and you're scared, or if it's what Leed said, or all of it, but...if it's what I did on the plane...the way I talked about us, about you...I...I'm sorry. I got caught up in our bet, and I forgot...honestly Mac, I didn't think about the way it would make you feel, for me to say those things about you. And that's a shitty thing. I'm still feeling my way, Sweetheart. I don't know what we are now. You've always had this tough girl thing, and I've always been trying to break through that and show you I'm just as tough...and I...that's not the way I want to treat you. Not anymore. But I keep trippin' up and actin' like I acted last tour, and in Portland. And I'm very very sorry. Will you forgive me, and be patient with me?"

Adam's apology makes everything ten times worse. He's so decent and mature beyond his years and it just shows me that Joely and Leed are right. He deserves better than me. I fight to keep the sobs down. I bite the inside of my cheek, because crying can't fix this. It will only make Adam more decent and more sweet. And I can't tell him why I'm crying, because he doesn't see it—that I'm no good for him—and he'll never see it—as long as things are the way they are now.

If I want Adam to see me for what I am, I have to show him.

I sit up and turn to him. He reaches for my face to wipe away tears, but I pull away, shaking my head.

"There's nothing to forgive. You told the truth on the plane, that's all." I shrug. "We fucked and I said those things and I mostly mean them. Deep down, Adam...I think maybe I just really like fucking you. And right now, I'm crying because I want to take the Plan B, and I know you don't want me to. I don't like hurting you, I just can't be what you what me to be. So I'm crying because this is over, again. I'm sorry."

He closes his eyes and bows his head into his hands. "Mac, I don't want to fight, but I have to be honest here. You are fucking with my head so bad, telling me something different every time we talk. I'm not sure you know when you are being honest about your feelings or when you are hiding behind made up bullshit."

"I'm not bullshitting you, Adam. I'm going to take the emergency contraception. I'm going to get it in the morning."

He rakes his hands through his hair. "Okay. It's probably for the best, anyway. We clearly are nowhere near ready to have a kid—we can't even have a conversation. You don't have to go to the pharmacy—I already had it delivered. You can take it now. There's no point in dragging it out anymore, if you've decided." He pulls it from his back pocket.

Oh shit. Now seems like a terrible idea. I can't take it now. I'm not ready. I need...I need the night to say goodbye to this feeling.

He goes to the bathroom and flips on the light. My heart pounds. I don't want to do this. I can't explain why, I just know I don't want to. But I need to. I have to show Adam that I'm not what he thinks I am. I'm what his mother thinks I am—a woman that can't love him the way he deserves. I don't want to break him—or a kid—trying.