URGENT (Book 2 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 44: Bad Girls Ugly Cry

Mac

I made it to the airport. I made it through hugging Kat and, even hugging Ben. I made it through the awkward exchange with Sawyer as Adam took possession of our luggage. I made it through security, through changing clothes, through the breakfast Adam wheedled me to eat in the VIP Terminal. I made it through take-off and Dawes' bullshit. I made it through falling asleep on the plane, and waking to find Adam's arms around me. I made it through the joyous event of silently retching up the breakfast mid-flight.

I made it through landing, and through Adam insisting he would sound-check for both of us while I caught a couple hours sleep at the hotel. I made it through the ride over to the venue with Tamara, and the recounting to her of everything that had happened and all her questions about Ben's welfare. I made it through the guys' good-natured ribbing about our LA lock-up adventure. I made it through the show—not my best performance, but I made it. I made it through the aftershow and Leed's half-hearted acceptance that I was moving back into Adam's suite. I made it through Adam's quiet mood as we returned to the hotel. I made it through a shower, and a light snack of apple slices and almonds.

I made it through all of that. Then, I sat on the couch in our suite, with Adam restlessly flipping through channels and watching me like he knew—like he knew—what was coming. Finally in the safety of his shelter, and my anger over Marley and Dev dulled by exhaustion—then, I fell apart.

I cried and cried. Great gulping, discordant sobs that were terrifying because I felt them all over and I was sure they would never end. I couldn't stop them. They shook loose from a place inside me that seemed vast and relentless and broken. I cried without even being sure why I was crying. It made no sense. It made less sense to think it would ever stop.

Adam held me on the couch for the longest time. Eventually, when I started to hyperventilate, he carried me to bed and cradled me against him, gently coaxing me with breathing exercises through the sobs. When I was able to breathe again, I cried more. I cried so long and so hard, my throat was parched, and my tongue thick and swollen. I cried through a solid sweat and all they way out of tears. Finally I lay panting, without will, against Adam's chest.

When it was over, Adam left me for a few minutes, eventually returning with a cool cloth, acetaminophen, and water. He bathed my face and neck. He pulled my hair off my neck into an elastic, and coaxed me to take the medicine and drink the waters. It took me a long time to drink the two bottles, but Adam sat patiently, without a single comment or question about my melt-down. When I was done, he turned out the lights pulled me down with him into the bed, wrapping his strong arms around me.

In the quiet, he said, "I know we are struggling, baby. I feel it, too. It's frustrating and sad, and it hurts. I get it. I'm so fucking sorry. But I love you and I believe you love me, and I know we both love our child that's growing inside you. I won't let all this bullshit tear us apart. No fucking way. We're going to fix us. We're going to take this raw and powerful love we have, and make it into something we can live on. Thrive on. Okay?"

If I had any more tears, I would have shed them for this wonderful man, who said such things.

Instead, I whispered, "I didn't mean it."

"Mean what?"

"It's not a motherfucking ring, It's a perfect ring. Perfect, and beautiful and pure. Like you. I'm just not sure when I'll ever match what you have to offer."

"You are beautiful and pure," he says, his voice sad at my disbelief in myself. "And I am far from perfect, but you are so fucking perfect for me. I swear on all things holy I feel you like the angel you are. I see you. I always see your goodness. It's just...out there in the world, it's harder. Harder for us both. We let the distractions creep in. They harden us. They divide us."