Love and Leather [Alec Lightwood x Reader] + gifs ✓

23. Giving up

After your encounter with Alec, you decided to search for your parabatai. You knocked on her bedroom door and soon enough it opened. You walked in and sat down on the side of her bed. 

"Y/N? Is everything okay?" She asked frowning, but you just nodded in response. "Don't get me wrong, I love that you visit me every day, but shouldn't you be with my brother?" She asked suspiciously. You chuckled painfully.  

"No, I should not. We are not dating." You replied, but didn't continue. 

"What do you mean?" She tried to get you to talk.

"I think I screwed it up." You said simply. No emotions showed in your voice this time. 

"What did you do?" Curiosity was clearly showing in her voice. 

"You see, I don't know." Your parabatai frowned at your reaction. 

"So how can you screw up something, if you don't even know about it?" She questioned in confusion. 

"I have been trying to get him to go out with me. To go on dates or just to hang out together. But every single day I was pushed away. I don't even know what to do anymore." You kept looking at the ground, tying to collect you thoughts, but they were scattered all over you head. 

"Do you want me to talk to him?" Izzy asked you while taking a seat next to you. You shook your head indicating you didn't want that to happen.

"It's fine." You raised your head and looked at your parabatai. "I think this time I will have to give up." You stated and Izzy's eyes widened in surprise. 

"But you like him so much." She tried to convince you to change your mind. 

"Exactly, Iz." You nodded. "I do." You stopped for a few seconds. "But he doesn't." You shook your head. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be." You tried to convince yourself. 

"I am so sorry, Y/N." She pulled you close and hugged you. You wanted to cry, you wanted to scream, you wanted to hit something. But you couldn't move from the pain. You have tried to give up so many times, you have tried to avoid him so many times. But it was always because he asked you to. But this time it was your own decision and it was even harder. 

"It's cool." You smiled painfully. "It will get better." You tried to convince yourself. Izzy let go of hugging you and you took the opportunity to stand up. 

"We will have a meeting soon. Apparently we are going for a second mission." You changed the subject. "Be in the meeting room at 5pm." You instructed your parabatai and left the room without a second glance. 

You were walking around the institute like a ghost of yourself. You wanted to cry, you wanted to shout, but it all just bottled up inside you. You walked to the cafeteria to eat something, but when you arrived you changed your mind. You walked to the hall to get some information of the previous Shadowhunters' mission with the vampires, but once again, you just couldn't care less. You needed to release. 

You decided to go and practice. You went to your room and changed to your training cloths. As soon as you arrived to the training room, you quickly warmed up and started hitting the punching bag which was hanging off the ceiling but was also fixed to the ground. You felt so aggressive, you couldn't stop yourself from punching harder and harder. You imagined Alec's face and the usual happy feeling you had towards him turned into hatred at that moment. Your anger was overwhelming, you were getting tired, but you didn't want to stop. You took out your stele and activated your strength and speed rune. You wanted to hit the punching bag faster and stronger. Finally, you didn't even realise, that you were hitting it so aggressively, that the bag ripped apart and all of its content fell on the floor, grains spreading around you. 

"That's a first." You heard a voice behind you and span around immediately. 

"Jace." You called his name.

"I guess all of this mess is thanks to Alec?" You nodded as a reply. "So I've heard." He grimaced. "I'm sorry. I really don't understand what is going on with him, and I am his parabatai. I can't imagine how confusing it can be for you." He tried to comfort you. 

"I don't want to talk about this." You said, as you walked to another punching bag starting to beat it up with the same force as the previous one. Jace walked up to you and held onto the punching bag, giving you more access. 

"He just doesn't want to feel right now, I guess." He continued, completely ignoring your request. "I think he is afraid, if he gives in to the feelings, it would affect his decisions." He explained.

"Did I not tell you, that I didn't want to talk about it?" You asked hitting the bag even harder, making Jace step back a couple of times. 

"I am sorry that he is an idiot, but give it time." He asked and you lost it. 

"Shut up!" You shouted in anger. "I don't want to know, I don't want to hear it, I don't give a fuck!" You screamed. "I don't care what he thinks, what he feels, what he does." Silent tears were rolling down your cheeks. "I don't want people in my life who are unable to make a decision and say something, but act otherwise. I don't care about Alexander Gideon Lightwood anymore." You felt arms around you as your tears blinded you. Jace embraced you gently, comforting your shaking shoulders, but you didn't seem to want to calm down. You were crying hysterically, gasping for air. 

"It's okay." He caressed your hair soothingly. "It will be better soon, just let it all out." He comforted you and soon you started to calm down indeed. 

"I'm sorry." You apologised for your behaviour. 

"It's fine. It was building up inside you. You needed to release." He smiled gently. "I know it's hard, but eventually you will feel better." You felt lucky for having such supporting friends who didn't judge you even in your worst state. 

"Thank you." You hugged back. "I do feel better already." You sighed as you let go of him. Jace just smiled at you and decided to leave you to continue training. You didn't understand how, but he understood what you needed. And that was a bit of alone time. It's not like you haven't had enough of that in the last couple of days, but this was different. You continued on the treadmill this time, getting lost in your playlist on your phone.