Hallowed (B. Barnes)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Bucky pauses the spoon of soup half-way to his mouth, his eyes on the tv as it plays some commercial for female-specific products. He narrows his eyes a little as he thinks. He and Sydney have been sleeping together since Halloween now, pretty much every night since, five months of non-stop sex, non-stop....the only time they don't have sex are the nights she's away, working. He looks to her as she leaves the bathroom. She notes his gaze as she pulls her hair back into a ponytail.

"What's wrong?" she asks him.

"Are you pregnant?" he word vomits, just rushes out of him, Sydney stares at him, hurt and surprise flickering across her face.

"Excuse me?" She counters folding her arms over her chest defensively. He's upset her, he can see that. And he will likely pay for it later.

"I just mean that....you know, we've had uninterrupted sex...for months....uninterrupted by mother nature...." he gives her a look, she sighs a little, she thought this might happen eventually with him, he's not stupid, he's observant, and he was bound to figure it out.

"I can't have children" she rushes out, he stares at her. "I can't ever have children, so if that's something you want then maybe it would be best if this ends here and now...." He frowns at her. "Because it's never going to happen" She whispers. He holds out his hand for her and wiggles his fingers, trying to coax her to him. She sighs and moves across the apartment to take his hand. He pulls her down onto the couch beside him. He leans closer to her and kisses her shoulder.

"I love you" he assures her. "I'm not going anywhere" he whispers softly.

"I was once" she admits, he looks at her. "Pregnant" she elaborates. "Long time ago now" she rubs her thumb into his wrist, her eyes following the motion.

"What happened?" he asks her quietly, she shrugs a little.

"They died" she answers lifting her eyes to meet his. "Before they could even....be born" she gives him a sad smile. "After that I....well, I can't have any. My body doesn't work that way....so no visits from mother nature" he presses his forehead to hers before pulling back.

"I'm sorry" he whispers. "I shouldn't have brought it up. I was just watching this commercial and it hit me...." she reaches up and brushes his hair back from his face.

"Do you want children?" she asks him, he lets out a breath and shrugs a little. Logically he knows he would be a terrible father. With his history. His recovery. His arm. His strength. But the thought of a mini him and Sydney running around doesn't seem horrible. Even though he knows now that it will never happen, he can imagine what it would be like. To have a son. For someone to call him dad. "You do" she realizes.

"No" he stops her. "No, that's...." He takes a deep breath. "It wouldn't be terrible if I had a kid one day" he admits. "But I don't need one to be happy with you" he strokes her cheek.

"You say that now" she whispers, he shuffles closer to her.

"I say it now, and I will mean it always," he assures her. "I just need you...." he strokes her back to comfort her. It does nothing. Her heart is aching at the thought of him wanting children, and her never being able to give them to him.

..................

The rest of the day is tense. Conversation almost forced. Sydney is distracted. And Bucky knows it is all his fault, he put doubt in her mind, doubt that he is going to love her without children, doubt that he is going to stay with her. He has no plans to leave her. Why would he? He utterly adores her, he loves the life they've got together here, he would never willingly give this up. Even when they go to bed that night, it's still...tense. Bucky stares down at where Sydney lays on her side facing away from his side of the bed, he knows she is still upset slightly about earlier, and that wasn't what he was trying to do, he didn't say it to upset her. He sighs and climbs into bed with her before he shifts closer to her, curling into her back, his arm sneaking under her neck, his other around her waist.

"You know" he starts knowing she is awake and listening to him. "I don't think it's on the cards for me" he admits as he nuzzles into her neck. "Being a dad. I don't think I'd be very good at it..." he nudges her jaw. "I promise you, that I am and always will be happy with just you" she turns her head slightly. "I love you" he reminds her. "I love this life we have, here, right now..."

"What if you change your mind?" she whispers, he kisses her cheek and then sighs.

"I won't" he assures her. He can't be a dad. He can't bring something tiny and innocent into his life. It was hard enough with Sydney, letting himself settle, he still struggles some days. One day, and one day soon, she might have a target on her back because of him, because of who he is. He will defend her if that day comes, he will defend her till his last breath. "I just need you" he assures her as he holds her to him. "You and me...that's all that matters" she nods a little, he leans closer and brushes his lips over hers. He pulls back and gives her a small smile. She turns to face him, his fingers brushing her hair back from her face. He kisses her, his metal hand clutching to the back of her shirt to hold her to him.