BROKEN

part eighteen.

I pushed Ivan away from me, It was as if I was struck by the lightning of reality
What ever we were about to do was unacceptable, it was wrong yet it felt so right.

I hated that I was beginning to get attached to him.
I didn't like that, once he knows the truth about me, he'd probably cast me away like everyone.
I pushed him away from me, removed the duvet and sat up
I was about to kiss another girls boyfriend where had my morals gone.

The door bell rung again, Ivan stood up and walked away to answer it
I just sat there feeling really guilty about what I was about to do
Would I have kissed him if it wasn't for the door bell had I no shame anymore.
I sighed and dropped my head to my palm, I stood up on shaky legs and pressed my ear against the door trying to listen.
I heard muffled voices ,wanting to hear clearly.
I quietly opened the door, peaked my head through the door and I could hear Analise's voice booming through the hall, Ivan and Analise were arguing
"Where the hell have you been?"
"I've called Ivan, why the hell haven't you been picking up "

I wanted to burst in there and tell her to stop yelling, it reminds me of when Mom and dad would fight a lot.
I thought I had gotten used to people shouting but I hadn't.
I was already sliding down the wall, crouching down while covering my ears.
Analise was still yelling and tears were running down my face
I was recalling bad memories, the moisture on my face made it harder to breathe it was as If I was drowning again
I was trying to take in big gulps of air, and was hyperventilating
I couldn't breath, it was like a rope was tied around my neck and my lungs ached for lack of air.

The yelling stopped for a minute or two "Who the hell is back Ivan " She screamed again
I was fainting, my vision was blurry, I pinched my skin hard enough for it to become red so I wouldn't pass out
"None of your business Analise get out "
" You're cheating on me aren't you " I tuned out of the conversation by covering my ears I was shaking my head violently, I heard the door open and shut harshly,

Ivan rushed and saw in me crouched on the floor, I was still pinching my self, I was still finding it hard to breathe
He tried coming close to me but I shifted hurriedly from him, I didn't see Ivan vikor I saw the face of my abuser stalking close to me
I didn't hear Ivan voice but another person, I continued to shake my head, I moved away from him, I was backed up against the wall and so I pounded my head against it to give me a head concussion and blacked out .

The light shining in my eyes reminded me I needed to get up
My eyelids felt heavy, I felt weak, my throat was scratchy
I reluctantly opened my eyes but shut them again when the light penetrated my cornea
I opened them slowly trying to adjust to the happy glow of the sun
I sat up and yawned catlike while rubbing my eyes. I took a curious glance at my surroundings and realised I was still in Ivan's house. Last nights events replayed in my head like a movie.
I knew he would hate me now, I caused a fight between him and Analise
Why is it that everything I touched, I destroyed
I reeked of havoc and pain 

I saw my phone on the night stand and picked it up
I had texts from mom asking where I was and apologising
I simply sent her an I'm okay text, I wasn't ready to face her nor face my problems
I just wanted to lie down on Ivan's comfortable bed and sandwich my self between the mattress and duvet.
This was wrong and I knew that I barely knew Ivan and I was taking over his life like I owned it,

I stood up from the bed and went to the bathroom to freshen up I was going to wait and tell him thank you before putting some distance between us
I was not going to drag him into my problems
All I had to do now is just to put up a fake smile and pretend like everything about me is just perfect
Not even my family knew the extent of my emotional torture and I would keep it that way
If I stayed more with Ivan, he would see more of my vulnerability and I would be harder to pretend
I wore my uniform even though it was late and I wouldn't go, I had nothing to wear and I didn't want to wear his clothes anymore.
I was truly invading his life, grabbed my backpack and after writing a note I left and never turned back.

I dreaded going home when I saw my house through the horizon
Mom was home, I entered and took off my shoes, mom lunged at me hugging me but I remembered her slapping Me, I pushed her gently off my body.
I was recoiling at my mother's touch, she looked at me in disbelief for pushing her off but I could care less
"Lotus please let me explain " I shook my head No
I had all the facts i needed" I'm sorry Lotus"
" for what mother, i thought you would not apologise for loving sweet devan, I don't need apologises, I've heard enough to last a life time "
I walked past her trying to go to my room" I love you Lotus, I do, I never meant to hurt you"
I looked at her " you do love me mom, I know that but not because of who I am, you love me as an obligation that you sired in a loveless and pretentious marriage " and with that I walked upstairs to my room