BROKEN

Thirty seven.

"Can we talk" I had sent that message to Ivan over an hour ago. I torn between believing he had seen it or he hasn't. I was in the back seat of keiran's car and they were talking about this visual Art fundraiser thing at a gallery they wanted to go to tomorrow
"I think Ivan would have some of his works displayed there" I immediately tuned into the conversation
"Did you say Ivan work was going to be displayed there Mal "
"Oh yeah now you pay attention to the conversation lulu " Mal said, I felt my cheeks heat up
"But yeah, Ivan would probably be at the gallery tomorrow " I perked up at this, I was only going to support my now ex-friend and immerse my self in art not to stalk my heartthrob.
"We definitely have to go to the gallery, I mean not that I want to see him but just browse the gallery " I didn't want to seem desperate and thristy even though I was longing to talk to him once again.
"Very convincing lotus, very. Anyways its just going to be you and Malvolio tomorrow, Francesco is forcing me to attend a dinner party on a Tuesday night, talk about father of the year." I laughed softly at my friends misery
"Poor baby keiran " I teased "how bad could it possibly be huh?"
"Oh whitehead, you have no idea" I bade goodbye to the boys before walking into Josephine's house. It was no more a home only a shadow of its self rooted to the ground. No matter how much they washed the walls and the ground, my blood had seeped through them and dried up that it would be almost futile to tear them apart.

I got flashbacks of what devan tried to do to me that day, the battering punishment I had recieved that day was as unbearable as my mother's whiny voice, I had scars from the assault yet my own mother thought me as an attention seeker, how cruel could she be. I drew in a long deep breath before stepping into the house, I shut my eyes trying to stop devan face from popping back into my head, I couldn't forget his sickening face when I saw him. I knew he enjoyed beating me up
The sick bastard. I heard footsteps coming downstairs, I knew it was mom due to the loud clumping of her heels. She was with a suitcase, once again going to wherever it is she disappears too. One day I hope the ground does swallow her and never spits her out again.
"Lotus , I'm leaving town for a couple days, please don't try to do anything crazy till I come back, I have already been questioned about my ethics and role as a mother because of your scandalous behaviour." I just continued staring at her, whilst saying nothing. I had no energy for her to day.
"What you are suddenly not going to say anything, did the river of snarky replies run dry?" I bit my tongue, so as not to say anything that might get me sacked from my house.
"Have a nice trip " I walked past her and went straight to my room, at that moment I released a string of profanities under my breath that I wanted to say infront of her but I did have to learn self control. I heard the door open and close signalling that she had left the house to God knows where. I suddenly felt the wave of claustrophobia lift. I felt choked and suffocated in my mother's presence.

My phone buzzed beside me, Mal was finalising the final details of our trip to the gallery tomorrow. My heart immediately skipped a beat as cliche as it may sound but I was buzzing to see Ivan vikor tomorrow. I wanted to make things right between us once again. I even wanted to hear his voice
I had gone a month without his domineering presence or his velvety voice nor his intoxicating scent that drove me and my senses mad and I was crumbling inside, I wanted him back, I needed him back.
I changed into more comfortable clothing, did my homework before eating Chinese food, I picked up my phone and stalked Ivan's Instagram page even though he rarely was active on the social media, I stared longingly at a picture he had taken with another girl, she was as bony and fake as my mother. I felt a pang of jealousy just look at that picture, I guess grade A asshats are his type. I felt bad for insulting the girl, I didn't even know her yet I was judging her. I just didn't want to admit that maybe I had already lost Ivan to someone else. I wanted desperately to believe we had something worth saving, something worth fighting for. I locked my phone putting it on the night stand before falling asleep.