BROKEN

Thrity Six.

Not even a glance my way, nor a look, I was straight up being ignored by Ivan vikor today. I was seated next to him now in Ms Newman's class and it was torture.
He didn't look up from his phone when I sat beside him.
He refused to acknowledge my stare, I knew he could feel the weighing intensity of eyes but he refused to meet my eyes but I continued to stare, and admiring the gold tint that complemented his suave melted butter like eyes.

I wanted to whine and stomp my feet and ask him to notice me but I asked for this immediately I blurted more reasons for him to hate me in the hospital. He really did leave me to deal with my demons. I hate pushed him so far, that even though he was seated next to me, he was faraway. We were galaxies apart. He tried to fight for me but selfishness and oblivious nature I had developed made me an ingrate to Ivans help.

I took in a deep breath, but the air also decided to torture me too, Ivan's scent overpowered the air subtly. It was as if I was in a trance. My phone buzzed and I picked
I had a text from Mal who was sitting at the back
Mal  💙 - dude just talk to him, I can smell the tension from here
Me - I can't
Keiran😊 - and stop sniffing him dude , you're not a bloodhound lulu 🙄
Mal  💙 - couldn't agree more keiran
Me- whatever.

I locked my phone immediately, I wasn't aware I was subconsciously leaning towards Ivan trying to get more of his enticing scent. How could he look unaffected by my presence perhaps I gave myself more credit than I actually do have in his life.
I was also curious to know why he broke up with Analise. I realised I was the person who put a strain on our friendship, I'd talk to him one day and ignore for weeks. I was the one who played games so often with him.
I picked up the scrunchie from my backpack and placed it on his table, I was looking for an ice breaker, he simply looked at the scrunchie and slammed his book shut, picked up the book and walked out of the class leaving me and Ms Newman speechless, I looked at the scrunchie laying atop his table and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I had really done it, he didn't even look at me. I screwed up, I picked my lonely black scrunchie and squeezed it in-between my palms, It smelt like Ivan, I pressed harder into my hands to stop me from breaking down in tears in the middle of the class.

Immediately the bell rang for lunch, I dashed out of the class before Malvolio or keiran could catch up to me
I locked my self In a stall in the girls bathroom and broke down in tears. No matter how patient and understanding someone everyone had a breaking point and Ivan had reached his when it came to me. I squeezed the scrunchie hard and took a big wiff of his scent that lingered on it. It was calming but I was also filled with a sense of longing. After fixing my self up, I Met up with Malvolio and Keiran at the cafeteria, they convinced me to have lunch with them on the lone table on the roof. Malvolio pushed the door to the roof open and i was met with a sight more heavenly than everything I had seen. Ivan was sitting on the table, with a cloud of smoke around him, the slighty chilly air messed up his hair a bit but he looked ethereal none the less. He was vaping on the roof, the air was a blend of cold air and warmth from the smoke coming from him.

He took one more puff, before picking his things and walking away, leaving me alone on the roof with Mal and keiran
"Wow lotus, what ever you did must have really hit a nerve " Mal said when we took our seat at the table, Ivan stood up from
"What do you mean mal"
"I mean I've known Ivan for sometime and he almost never smokes unless he's pissed or needs to clear his head"
At that moment I felt my heart shatter in my chest. I made things worse than they already are, I drove him to this.

I picked at my food for the whole of lunch, the boys tried to get me to talk but I couldn't focus,  my head was hurting so much and my heart even worse.  I just kept reeling in and out of school. Everything from lunch was blurry, I felt as though we couldn't come back from this situation I plunged us into
Forgive me Ivan.