BROKEN

Part nineteen

I've always felt like parents loved their children out of obligation, like they were made to do it not because of whom we are.

I have created a bigger rift between my mother and I, all I did was say the truth
I never had a close relationship with Mom, we were basically polar opposite and I realise now that her trying to get closer to me was a form of her dealing with her guilty conscience.

I questioned everything on my walk upstairs
Was I really a bad daughter? That she saw me as a tool to alievate her guilt
Was I really a pawn to her ? She manipulated me into hating dad.
What other thing had she kept from me?
Was I really my father's daughter?
It seemed time was dragging on as I walked upstairs.
It wasn't even noon yet and my life had start to hurt me.
Opening my bedroom door, I slammed it shut
Took off my uniform and put on fresh clothes
I walked to my reading table and started studying
It seemed like the only thing I could do right.
My phone had been buzzing like crazy, Mal and Ivan were calling.
I needed to steer clear of both of them, I'd only bring issues into their lives, I took a deep breath and switched it off
I continued studying like crazy, scribbling down notes. I was already ahead of class but I needed a distraction from my life
I had no idea how much time had passed until I saw the sky darkening.

I stood up and stretched my limp bones, I heard a knock on my door " lotus I'm leaving for a week, I wanted to tell you, I might be gone before you leave for school tomorrow " she waited out there for a reply but I kept my mouth clamped shut.
I sat back down turned on my phone and read all text messages I had from Ivan and Malvolio but didn't reply sooner or later they'd give up.
I won't bring more misery to their lives. I brought out my poetry book with everything that had changed in my life, this book was my only constant, I was all I had

I never wished for change
I was happy with mundane
I only wanted an escape
I feel as though I'm in a whirl wind of pain
I am not in control of my life

I am spinning with no direction
Everything has changed
The good is bad
The bad is good
Trust has been broken
The scars are showing
The mask is certainly cracking

I am loosing control
Who is seated at the driver seat of my life is unknown
Pain controls me
Happiness left
Joy said I should have fun my regret
The demons cripple me
If you look closely you'd see them
The cracks to my disguise is breaking

Alone I suffer at dusk
But when Dawn comes I pretend to be alright
I am the definition 0f fake
I desperately want to be free from the captivity of pain
And the shame that courses through my veins
Only Death could give me my release
And when that time comes
I'll rest with no fear.
                            ~tsiehta.

I stood up from my chair, and plopped down on my bed, I just laid down flat and stared outside the window
My phone buzzed again I picked it up and looked at the time, it was 11pm, I had been looking at nothing for the past two hours
I dropped the phone back on my night stand, got up to take my pills, I crushed them into my mouth, splashed my face with cold water and went back to bed.
I let black spots cloud my vision and with that I was welcome into the land of nightmares

My alarm blared, and i woke up with a groan, I honestly felt lazy to stand up from my bed
I went through my morning routine as usual, put my homework in my bag and went downstairs.
Mom had left money on the counter before she left for wherever it is she went to. I locked up and started my March to school while playing classical music through my headphones
I followed another route because I wasn't sure if Mal was waiting

I saw the familiar gates and walked on the gravel leading to the hell hole my pace was incredibly slowly
I wanted to waste time, but I couldn't avoid my fate i had already seen Ivan and Malvolio my plan was futile
I was walking up the stairs when a rev from a motorcycle seemed to capture everyone's attention
Rich kids and their new toys, I scoffed and was turning back when I made contact with a familiar forest Green eyes
I knew that mop of a hair and dimple piercing anywhere
My feet were already rushing towards him, I attacked him in a hug, he seemed surprised but he recognised me
"Kieran" I said
"Lotus".

A/N
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