Every Autumn Fall (Youthful Series 1)

Chapter 14: Lean on Me

TW.

September

Days didn't become better. Most of the time, I spend my days isolating myself alone just to finish all the tasks that I need to do. I barely eat, barely sleep, like everything is crumpling me into my thinnest patience.

Most of the time, nahihirapan ako sa mga strict professors. This made me worry about my grades because I am always used to the way of receiving grades differently when I was in high school.

[Kamusta ka sa school?] napatawag si Mama habang nasa library ako, kaya lumabas muna ako para sagutin ito.

"I'm okay," I shortly replied. She began informing me about her life and sorts of things that I don't care about. I just nod, hum, say more 'okay', and waited for her to finish.

[Ituloy tuloy mo lang 'yan, para rin sa'yo 'yan pag naging lawyer ka na. Do it for yourself.] She always says this repetitively and I am used to hearing these ironic lines from her. I just ignored it and agreed with her.

I feel so tired already and I wanted to go to sleep but I have to finish this last essay for tomorrow. Nasa kuwarto ko naman si Cael at kakatapos niya lang magreview. He is watching a film on his laptop and seems like he's waiting for me to finish this.

Cael and I barely even have time to hang out as we used to before. Maybe because of my lack of organizing my time. Well, Cael is good at it, but I'm sort of a mess. One time, tinulungan niya ako na mai-balance ko ang aking oras pero kahit anong gawin ko, nagugulo ko lang lahat. Because of that, I'm having a really hard time with my life right now.

"Nakatulog ka ba kagabi?" he cuddles with me while brushing up my hair with his fingers.

"Mm..." I nod, "kulang lang sa tulog," I let him massage my head which made me fell asleep.

My anxiety in classes became a lot worse. We have a presentation today, but I did a review last week, but slowly, I feel like I am forgetting everything. This constant fear of everything just keeps on growing and growing until it slowly eats me up.

"That's all for my presentation, thank you," I said as I reached the end of my slide presentation. Our professor continues asking me and with the class about the topic I presented. I did manage to answer everything correctly. But soon as the class ended, I went straight to the restroom.

I started throwing up, and my stomach has been cramping up, continually pressing the pain inside me, punching my guts. I do well in class, but day by day, this is what happens behind all of it. I force myself that I can do it, but my body won't cooperate, so the anxiety and constant fear is corrupting me. Napapadalas na ang pagsusuka ko at pagkakaroon ko ng headache. This is the aftermath of my choices.

For the next two hours, I just sleep in the apartment. Nagising ako sa alarm ko dahil kailangan ko ng pumasok sa bookstore. Shan was there for a short time and so he helped me with the inventory dahil nahihirapan pa rin ako doon, lalo pa't masakit pa rin ang ulo ko.

"Shan, meron na 'yung mga new copies sa baba," I inform him about the new books and he soon then went downstairs to get them. Matapos niyang kunin ito, tinulungan ko naman siyang mag-arrange sa inventory. After hearing a bell from the counter I went straight to it and assisted one of the customers.

Napa-aga naman si Cael ng pagsundo sa akin ngayon. He went inside the bookstore and he sat near the front door where there are available seats. "Wala kang ginagawa?" tanong ko sa niya habang papalapit ako sa mga upuan.

"Kakatapos ko lang magreview, mamaya na ulit," pagpapaliwanag niya. I feel comfortable whenever he's here to pick me up. Somewhere from my heavy feelings becomes lighter. I needed Cael more than I ever imagined.

He holds both of my palms and massages them. He always does this every time, he noticed how my hands hurt a lot these days because of my frequent writing. I just stare at him while he continually applies pressure to my hands.

His eyes looks at my hand like it's the only thing he could see. My cheeks started blushing when he quickly kisses it. Cael always does this all the time but it never fails to make me feel the same thing every time.

Suddenly, a customer enters and Cael quickly flinches, letting go of both of my hands. He looks back like nothing happened, and I went back to the counter. Nag-assist ako ng customer pagkatapos noon. Pagtingin ko ulit kay Cael ay wala na siya.

Natapos na ang work ko dito kaya umalis na rin ako. Naghihintay si Cael sa kaniyang bike kaya isinakay niya na ako. We were silent the whole time and I'm not used to it. Palagi kasing madaldal si Cael kahit nasa daan kami. Certainly, there is something bothering him. "Mauv," he starts.

Lumingon ako sa kaniya bago pumasok sa apartment. I waited for him to talk so we both stood there silently. "Sorry kanina," he said out of nowhere. I supposed I don't recall what he is trying to say. Pero naalala ko kanina 'yung nangyari sa bookstore nang bigla niyang bitawan ang kamay ko.

"No, okay lang ako," lumapit ako sa kaniya. He suddenly feels bad about it. It's been a long time since we ever had time to talk about him coming out. He still hasn't had that opportunity with his parents, which solely worries me.

He didn't have to tell me everything, but I know something is going on between his life too. Everything of these is still new to us and I do get it. It's hard to be homosexual and be yourself at the same time in this society.

I went straight to the shower after having my dinner alone. Bumalik naman si Cael kasama ang mga reviewer notes niya. He just used my bed habang nasa desk ako na nagsusulat. After two hours of writing and finalizing of my paper, I noticed that the room was silent.

Napalingon ako sa aking kama at nakitang nakatulog na siya. His notebook lies to his chest while the other is already on the floor. I really love seeing him this way, just quite, and calm. Marahan akong lumapit sa kaniya, pinulot ang nalaglag na notebook at iniligpit ang yakap niya. I rested my head over to his chest, when I woke him up.

"Shh... matulog ka lang," I held on to him tighter. I didn't mean to wake him up.

"Natulugan ko na naman yung rereviewhin ko," Cael sighs deeply while examining the place, tilting his head to look for his notes.

"Gumising ka na lang bukas nang maaga," I replied without even moving an inch. I felt both of his hands placed above me as he tightens my hug.

"Okay," he said, relieving himself. We stayed there for minutes and I just let his warmth dominate my body. "Okay... now let me go," he giggles, wanting to escape from me because he has to go back.

"Stay please," I said begging. Even if I wanted him to stay with me throughout the night, we both know we still can't. I wake up with a cold space beside my bed seeing it empty.