Every Autumn Fall (Youthful Series 1)

Chapter 23: Whispering Regrets

August

I knocked three times on his apartment door the way I used to.

Tita Alicia greeted me and there she knew who I was looking for. Bumalik siya sa loob at naiwan ako sa labas habang naghihintay. I pinch both of my thumbs just to feel a pain that could wake me up, just in case this is just a dream. I bit my lip when I realized it is real, this is really happening. I'm really about to say goodbye to Cael.

Nagbukas ang pinto at bumungad kaagad sa akin ang kaniyang pamilyar na amoy. I can't feel my face or can't determine if I am smiling at him. All I know is how my face is burning.

"Pwede ba tayong mag-usap?" I said with a tiny husky voice. He didn't utter a word, and just nods at me. Sinundan ko siya papunta sa rooftop kung saan walang tao ngayon.

Bawat hakbang patungo sa itaas ay bumibigat. Wala na akong pagkakataon pang umurong. I do think we both deserve proper goodbyes. It's unfair for him if I leave him by sending him letters. He deserves more than that, so I should hold my anxiety and fear, and let this be a smooth conversation.

Malamig ang hangin dito at mabuti na lang ay nakapagsuot ako ng sweater. I started being more anxious when I realized that I am wearing Cael's sweater. I just ignored it and acted normal with it, hoping he wouldn't recognize or even talk about it, because that would be so embarrassing.

"Mauv, kamusta ka?" he said with a concerning tone of him. I miss his voice, especially the way he calls my name this way.

"Mabuti na ako kahit papaano," we both lean on the wall barriers of the rooftop. From here, we can still here distorted noises of the busy streets. Tanging ang ilaw mula sa mga night lamp na nakalagay dito ang nagbibigay sa amin ng liwanag.

"Aalis ka na pala 'no? Bukas na ba?" he casually asks like it meant nothing to him. Well, I guess, it is. Nakadungaw pa rin kaming dalawa sa ibaba habang pinagmamasdan ang mga kakaunting taong dumadaan.

"Mm..." I nod lightly.

We both went silent the whole minute, while my hands can't stop playing with the ends of my sweater sleeves. Hindi ko magawang lumingon sa kaniya, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. All I can feel right now is how my heart is throbbing really fast. "Ikaw, nakaready ka na ba sa pasukan niyo?" I tried starting the conversation again. This really feels awkward for both of us.

"Oo, bibili na lang mga art materials, saka magsisimula na rin ang klase namin next week," he explains. His tone of voice still sounds calming just the way he always talks to me.

"Good luck," I said, almost a whisper because of how shy I am to say those words.

"You too," he replies, looking at me. My peripheral notices how he is still looking at me, so I gaze towards his direction to look back.

Our eyes locked together. From that moment, I don't know what to say or even what to feel. Suddenly, he looks down to my sling bag, and that made me remember my journal inside of it. Inilabas ko ito at marahang ibinuklat ang huling pahina. "Nabasa ko pala 'yung sinulat mo dito," kusa kong iniaabot sa kaniya ito.