Every Autumn Fall (Youthful Series 1)

Chapter 22: Worthwhile

June

The only reason that I fear death is when I will miss the chance of spending my short life on the things that matter to me and to the people that make my heart alive.

I celebrated my birthday here in the hospital with my mom. Well, if you consider buying a small cake, eating a plate of carbonara, and a sweet taste of strawberry juice as a birthday celebration, then I guess it's a birthday celebration. Kinausap ko sa phone ang mga kaibigan ko na 'wag na muna nila akong puntahan ngayong birthday ko. Kahit sila ay ayaw papasukin ni Mama sa kuwarto ko kung saan ako nag-stay.

Hindi naman sa mamatay na ako, pero parang ganito ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing magpupunta ako ng hospital. They help me with my mental and eating disorder. I follow what they say so I won't be needing to come back here again.

Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na gawin ang mga bagay na hindi ko inakalang mahihirapan akong gawin sa mga sumunod na linggo.

Whenever I celebrate my birthday, I always feel more alone. That's why I hated birthdays, especially for mine. Lagi akong napapaisip na nagkakaroon ng celebration para sa nalalapit kong pagtanda.

Talking to my psychiatrist isn't that bad at all. She's a good professional who handles this kind of therapy. Hindi na mawawala ang sakit kong ito, that's the truth. But I could help myself to lessen it. In the meantime, I think I am already doing well after taking a rest.

Nagbago ang aking routine at pati na ring ang buong system ng aking katawan. Kinalimutan ko ang nangyari nang gabing nakulong ako sa sarili kong banyo kung saan hinahayaan kong lumabas ang dugo sa aking mga palad. I try to heal slowly step by step but it was never easy.

I am afraid that this is it, that this is really me. Wrecked, broken, and chaotic me.

It's sad to think that I am really broken inside and there's nothing, no one, and no time that could fix me. It is what it is, I will leave my whole life being like this because this is what makes me who am I. Imagining the future triggers my mind, so I should stop now.

Nangako naman ako kanila Mama at Papa na kapag may sarili na akong pera, babayaran ko rin sila. Isa ito sa mga dahilan kung bakit gusto ko pang makapagtapos ng pag-aaral– para maibalik ko lahat ng perang pilit nilang ibinigay sa akin.

After staying in my parent's house, Eli welcomes me to their home. His mother is really close to me too since we and Eli were friends back when we were in junior high school. Pinayagan nila akong tumuloy muna dito hanggang sa hindi pa ako nakakalipat sa Manila. I plan to stay here until the very last week of July.

All of my things are still left in my apartment. I plan to fix all of my things and pack them next week. My friends will help me too since I've got a lot of things to leave.

Tahimik lang ako sa kotse ni Zee, habang sila ay walang pinagbago. I like seeing them this way, happy, loud, and funny. I just wish we can all be like this in the future, if I ever make it.

But I feel like I won't. I don't know if I will survive college. I don't know if I can make it until I find a decent job. I don't know if I could live in a peaceful place, and I don't know if I could ever love again.