A Doubtful Heart

- 16 -

'' Do you still love me? ''

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Syn looked at Nuer, leaving a silence between them.

'' I am sorry... I messed up again. I know... '' said Nuer realizing how desesperate he sounded just now.

He looked away feeling even more down than before. Learning his friend's feeling for him, now losing any self respect in front of the one he loves, and feeling so alone... But he was the one to blame. He messed up. Really badly.

He took a deep breath and try to face once again Syn's eyes. Those eyes who hasn't left his face since he had looked away, since he even asked him if he still had feelings for him.
Nuer felt that he wasn't worth of him. Syn had always been true to himself. He always had told him what he was feeling, and here he was, trying to force the one he loves to share his sentiment. Nuer felt it was time for him to leave. And not just leave for the time being. No, he felt it was time for him to stop fighting for a feeling that would never be mutual again.

'' I should go... I. I won't disturb you again, I should...''

As he was about to leave Syn stood up at the exact same moment as him and before he could understand what was happening Nuer felt his lips closed by a kiss. The kiss was light and soft but Nuer felt his heart beat even faster than before. He wanted more but also felt already so filled with joy. More would kill him for sure. As short as this kiss was, he couldn't hide the dumb smile from appearing on his face. Syn took a step back pretty quickly as he had realized what he just did. His ears were turning red but still he took the courage to face Nuer and say :

'' To tell you the truth... I am afraid. I am afraid that you'll make me suffer. I am afraid to not be able to trust you ever again... ''

His voice was trembling as he finally found the strength to confront the real problem.

'' I still love you. I do, I really do. But... I'm way too scared. I don't want to be hurt again, nor do I want to doubt you ever again. ''

Nuer stayed silent but took tenderly Syn's hands.

'' I know... I am so sorry. ''

Syn let himself get lost in Nuer's eyes before answering.

''That's why I need some time. Some time to know if my doubts and my fears won't be stronger than my feelings for you.''

Nuer nodded his head. Even though he knew that it means that they weren't back together, he felt somehow that it was the beginning of something.

'' But in the same time, when I saw your face yesterday. I realized how fond of you I was. You... You seemed so lost. ''

Nuer played with Syn's hands trying to find the right way to express himself.

'' I kind of cut ties with my friends. ''

Syn was surprised but knew better stay quiet if he wanted to have the rest of the story. So he press tenderly Nuer's hand to tell him that he was here for him.

'' And they wanted to meet me yesterday. They... They convinced me by telling me something about you. ''

Syn restrained himself from asking '' what was it about '' and nodded his head instead.

'' and... And I learned that one of my friend had some feelings for me. ''

'' which one? ''
Asked Syn before even realizing it.

'' New. ''

Syn nodded calmly but couldn't hide his surprise this time.

'' That's why he told you before me what... Happened. ''

'' He told me it was to stop every secret between us. It was for our own good. '' answered Syn. His voice sounded as if he wanted to trust people and was afraid that once again he would be disappointed.

'' It was for our own good, right? ''

'' I don't think so... ''
Answered Nuer.

Syn stayed still but all his mind was getting blury. The only thing that he could say was :

'' What are you going to do? ''

'' Hm? '' Nuer seemed surprised. He didn't expect this question.

'' They are your closest friends, right? What are you going to do? ''

'' I... ''

'' Losing roots it's like losing future ''

Nuer answered tenderly to those last words :

'' Saddhu. ''

He definitely wasn't worth of the one he loved most.

'' I am afraid that by being close to them again, I won't be able to gain your trust again. ''

Syn opened his mouth ready to answer but stopped. What was he about to say? It wasn't like he would just forgive him. And especially not if New was now part of the problem in an other aspect.

'' I... I just want you to find your roots. '' Syn sounded stressed. He was. He didn't know what to say and now more than ever needed to talk to Win or Kuea.

'' I will forgive you. I will. Just leave me some time. But take care of yourself first. I can see that being far from your friends is hard for you. I. ''

Syn stopped his sentence, feeling his monolog was being far too long. Yet when he saw Nuer eyes entirely focused on him and all the hope in his eyes, he kept going.

'' I saw you during class. You were. Well... You looked sad. ''

Nuer looked even down at those words :

'' because I messed up and lost you. ''

'' not just me. '' answered Syn.

Nuer stayed quiet before answering.

'' I... ''

'' Talk to them. Without hatred. I will do my part and try to forgive you and. And I will pray for not letting my heart getting distributed by all those doubts. It might take sometime and maybe you will fall in love with someone else But at least, Talk to New. ''

Nuer nodded his head letting Syn's hand let go of his. He was about to answer that he would never stop loving him when a noise made him turned his head.

'' Talk to me about what? '' Asked New.

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I don't know if I am really satisfied with this chapter but anyway, here it is!

Sorry for all this delay but thanks for everyone's commenting and voting. It's really encouraging and actually most of the time it makes me want to update even faster ahah.

Hopefully I can find the time to do so ~~~