Your Addiction, Simon Ghost Riley x Reader

Regrets

[ tw: some mentions of death and suicide ]

"Soap, she is here, hurry up!"

I was already unconscious to feel his arms wrap around my shoulders. Shaking my whole body, trying to wake me up.

Blood was dripping down my face, leaving Ghost wondering what the hell happened to Heroin.

To his Heroin.

"Jesus fucking Christ" Soap was too stunned to move a single muscle.

After taking me in his arms, Ghost ran out of the building without any hesitation.

...

A few days passed

...

"Rise and shine, beautiful" Soap smiled as he welcomed me back.

"Where the fuck am I? Soap, what the fuck is going on?" I still couldn't understand how I managed to survive all of this.

As I was getting up, Soap stopped me.

"Hey, easy there, you still need lots of rest"

"How long have I been unconscious for?"

"Just a few days, don't worry"

I had no words. I failed as a soldier. That is when I realized I should have listened to Ghost. That the desire to help my team wasn't strong enough. I was embarrassed. I felt so weak at that moment. That was my first time feeling like a failure, like a fucking mistake. I didn't have enough courage to meet Soap's eyes. What was I supposed to do? Apologising isn't exactly my thing but thanking Soap for saving me was a must.

"Thank you, Soap, for everything" I whispered while looking down.

"Don't thank me"

"What do you mean?" I glanced at his eyes, too curious to get an answer.

"Ghost found and saved you, shit, I have never seen him that worried"

"It was Ghost...?" For no reason my eyes started watering. The moment I realized I was crying in front of him, I quickly closed my eyes and pretended I didn't care.

"Where is he now?" I inquired.

"On another mission"

"Without his baby boy, you?

"Shut up, Heroin" His smile plastered his face and it was like the tension disappeared in that room, but I still needed more details.

"Now stop questioning me this much. You better tell me what the hell happened out there"

"It is a long story, Soap"

"Well, we're not leaving this room any time soon, so get comfortable, my lil' sweet Heroin"

"My stories are always boring, Soap" There was a long pause after that. I didn't see the point in explaining to Soap why I failed. But the silence in this room was unbearable.

"When is Ghost coming back?"

"Why do you care so much?"

"I asked you first"

"Hopefully next week, so for another six or seven days you are stuck here with me"

"Fucking hell, Soap, at least bring me some snacks"

"Anything for my queen" He replied as he bowed.

It wasn't that I hated Soap. Although he was my closest friend, I knew I needed some time for myself as well.

The thing is, I wasn't quite sure how to react to that information. I would have never thought that Ghost would risk so much just to save my dumb ass. It was my fault and I knew he would never want to forgive me. But that wouldn't be the most terrible thing. It would be the end of the world for me if he told me to leave this team. Coming back home wouldn't be an option because I never bothered to get my own house and find new friends.

I had nothing.

I was nothing.

But the feeling in my cold heart was starting to worry me. Was I falling in love with Ghost? With a man whose face I had never seen. A ghost that I could never touch.

I didn't want to feel love, but his kindness made me feel different. Even though I knew it was just his job to protect his men that made him do what he did.

Ghost could never feel the same way. There was a fool in me who thought I could win his heart. There was always a sense that he was around, but not for me. For others.

Now being alone in this room made me feel pathetic. The flickering lights, the rain outside. Thunder and lighting. I felt so lost but at peace. So disappointed in myself but relieved. Not satisfied with my presence and scared of my future. I was alive, but I was not feeling grateful. I was free, but at the same time I was trapped in my own mind.

The feeling of hating myself from a young age really affected me.

All that bullying and the overwhelming sense of fear. People wanted to own me, to control and use my kindness. Just like heroin addicts. Despite the fact that I was always there for everyone, no one ever bothered to ask me how I was doing.

The death of my mother changed me.

Her suicide note.

Telling me I was a piece of shit that made her life miserable. Made her lose her mind.

I'm the reason she thought killing herself was better than living. And I will never be able to forgive myself. I loved her, I really did.

After that, the world became silent.  

All my feelings were lost.

My true self was hidden away and I didn't want anyone to see it.

I joined the army hoping I would get a chance to run away from myself. From my real feelings. For quite some time, I thought I was free from my own mind.

But that motherfucker ruined everything. Every day I regretted feeling the way I did because of Ghost.

It felt like a new chapter had started in my book even though I thought it was over.

Oh, if I could just turn the clock back to the first time I saw that man. Maybe if I hadn't distanced myself so much, me and him would have been together. Maybe we could have saved each other.

I didn't even get a visit from him after his mission. It was like he had started avoiding me. And I didn't have the right to complain.

Maybe Ghost was running away from me, as if I were the problem. And perhaps I was. 

Maybe I was the one holding him back.