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P4 - Chapter Thirty-one

February 21st, 2021:

Today is my mother's funeral.

I accepted Orchid's help a few days after Secretkeeper's death. She suggested writing in a journal to help me, which I found rather stupid. What can writing do? Anyway, I'm supposed to write my feelings or whatever, so here goes nothing.

For starters, I didn't cut myself once. Qibli made sure of that. I cried for days and I didn't want to get out of bed. Deathbringer tried his best to be there for me, but I could tell it was difficult since he wasn't used to comforting people. Kinkajou slept over most nights with Winter and Turtle. Thorn helped me a lot, too. She's like a second mother to me.

I don't think I'm ready for the funeral. Worse, Dad can't make it. I spent weeks trying to figure out what to write for my eulogy for Mom. There are so many things I want to say to her that I never got the chance to. Life is so cruel.

This is so cruel.

"*"

My palms were sweating as tears trickled down my cheek. I looked up at the funeral officiant as he gave me a warm smile, slightly nodding. I let out a shaky breath, reaching up and brushing the tears from my face.

Qibli gave my hand a small, reassuring squeeze. All my friends sat around me, and then it was the parents of my friends and then relatives, like my mother's sister. We were all in black. Kinkajou was crying as Turtle pulled her in close, and Thorn did the same to Sunny.

I slowly stood up and walked onto the podium. The funeral officiant backed up and made space for me. I looked down at the paper in my hands, tears still pooling out of my eyes. I realized my hands were still shaking and I quickly set the paper down and took a deep breath. The microphone looked so menacing in front of me because I knew that whatever I said would be projected to a bunch of people.

My throat was dry and each breath came with shards.

I quietly gulped, looking at my audience. Everyone had their gazes pinned onto me, and only a few people crying. I looked at Deathbringer, who stared back at me. Why didn't you have a funeral for your mother? ran through my head, but I ignored it.

I looked at Thorn, who had a look of sadness in her expression that said, You can do it. I locked gazes with Qibli, who looked as though he wanted to hug me forever. I sighed as more tears slid down my face, looking down at the piece of paper.

Tiny droplets of tears landed on the paper as I cleared my throat, slightly sniffling.

"I wish I was more observant," I started, still crying. My voice was low and calm, and a little wavered. The silence of the audience urged me to continue. "That way, I could've been more aware of what my mom was dealing with." I sighed, fiddling with the edge of the paper in my hands.

"All she ever cared about was if I was doing well or not." I inhaled. "Some days she would come home really late and leave early, so I wouldn't see her often. My dad also had a similar schedule, but I'd see him more." I glanced up at Qibli, remembering how I told him this story before. Well, part of it. "I ceased to notice how Mom would never have dinner or even breakfast. She was always too busy.

"But then, one day, my mom went to my school to sell cookies that would help raise money for the school fundraiser," I said. "At the time, I didn't know that her doctor diagnosed her with anorexia, so she was really skinny to the extent that this girl came up to me and started teasing me about my mom."

I stopped for a moment, avoiding everyone's gazes as I turned and looked at the funeral officiant. I sighed and finally continued. "It wasn't the first time the girl picked on me. She would always have something to say, and usually, I wouldn't say anything, but when she brought up my mom and her weight, I wasn't going to let her get away with that. The fight that broke out was long and chaotic, and yeah, Mom grounded me for like a week, but I didn't regret it, and I still don't.