The Elements of Zion: the Vine, the Branch, and the Thorn

Chapter 2 The Unforgiven

The confession tore from me, the first time I'd spoken the truth of that life-altering night. The echoes haunted me, relentless claws at the edges of my sanity. The blood, innocent and staining, wouldn't wash away. No forgiveness, no matter how offered, could mend the shattered pieces - they were forever broken.

"Grabbed my rifle, pointed it at the footsteps, and let loose a burst." 

I could now taste the saltiness of the tears on my lips as they ran down my chin.

 "Then I heard a thump – body hit the deck for sure. But hell if I could see anything in the damn darkness. Something felt off in my gut, you know? Finger came off the bang-switch, and I grabbed my LED – click, flashlight on. There he was, sprawled out laying face down on the floor..."

The doctor, sensing the weight of my words, rose from his desk and knelt beside me. In a soft whisper, he attempted to console me. "You couldn't have known, Issac..."

I leaned forward, cradling my face in my hands, the memories surging through me like a relentless tide."The lady started screamin' like a fox in the night, clawin' at the air with her dead husband's rifle. She kept pullin' the trigger clickin' on an empty chamber. Andrews tried to hold her back, but she just went nuts, bulldozed right past him. She rockets over to the kid on the floor, wailin' like a wounded animal. Clutchin' the him like he was gonna disappear. Screamin' for mercy, her voice crackin' my head open. 

"Arju Allah... Arju Allah." she had cried.

Later, I came to understand that the words meant please God, please God... Those words echoed through my mind as I said them out loud.

He gently squeezed my shoulder. "War holds the power to drive perfectly ordinary people to perform acts that nobody would ever dream of committing. Such despicable things are beyond human comprehension. In that moment, all that mattered was ensuring your survival."

I clenched my fists tightly and gritted my teeth. "But why would God allow such things to happen?" I asked, choking on my words. "No loving God could just..."

Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks again as I began sobbing uncontrollably. "One second, kid's alive. Next, he's gone. My call, split-second decision. Now that face... burned into my damn head forever. No rewind, no do-overs, just gotta live with it. That image? It's got a permanent lease in the deepest, darkest part of my soul."

As I peered into the doctor's eyes, I could barely hold back the torrent of emotions surging within me."Every night, it's like my kid's got a built-in air raid siren goin' off. My gut tells me to grab her, hold her tight, but somethin' deep down just locks me up. How can I be a half-decent dad if I can't even hug my own kid when she's scared?"

The doctor's weary resignation mirrored my own. I needed him to grasp the gravity of my situation, the point of no return. If there was no cure, I craved an end. Finality, however bleak, held a strange allure.

The doctor turned his head towards me, his eyes filled with a depth of understanding. "This job is difficult sometimes... It weighs heavy on my soul because I'm supposed to remain neutral, but at the same time, I'm a human with emotions. You know I shouldn't mention this, but I am a man of faith, Issac. As much as you don't comprehend something like that happening, I can't pretend to either, and I certainly don't have all the answers. In my personal experience with life and the people that I've come across, this type of thing never truly disappears. However, it becomes easier to cope with, and we have ways of helping you adapt."

I clenched my eyes shut, swallowing the despair that threatened to consume me. "Tried that pill crap already, and it ain't right. Makes me feel like a lobotomized zombie, wanderin' around half-lit with nothin' but fog in my head. Some days, I wake up and it's a damn fight just to get my sorry ass outta the rack."

"The process of learning how to cope is—"

I cut him off, my voice shaking. "Doc, I'm tired of coping..."

"Understood." He said softly as he returned to his seat. A determined look crossed his face as he began typing on his computer. "I would like to schedule another appointment with you to discuss some options, such as group therapy and various programs we offer."

I sat there, hollow and defeated. I had finally received the answer I had been searching for-- There was no help coming. Their solution to my dilemma left me feeling empty, and I had sensed it all along. The bitter truth was that there was no solution, and now I was confronted with an unbearable reality.

"No, that won't be necessary, sir," I stated, standing up.

I managed a polite smile one last time, wiping the tears from my weary eyes. "I'm just a number to you folks here. Thank you for your time." And with that, I walked out of the room, the weight of my past still clinging to me like the shadows of a never-ending war.