Perfect Flaws

28. Reliving Time

(WARNING: This chapter may be triggering, proceed with caution)

Elijah

"Hey kid, it's been six years," I breathe.

"You would have been seventeen by now, crazy right?" I brush off the dirt that has clouded her rock.

The day we buried her, we couldn't risk putting her in an area where people would find her, and there was no way in hell we could give her a formal burial and gravestone. We had no money.

So, we settled on a medium sized rock, with the initial 'K', written in sharpie.

I reach into my pocket, pulling out a black sharpie, "Sorry, it rained," I outline the K again. The cap makes a click, as it takes its place onto the marker.

I sigh, sitting back onto my ankles.

"I'm sorry Kins, I'm so sorry I didn't visit on your birthday. I couldn't," I pause.

"It's too hard, knowing you're not here anymore, I wake up, and my first thought is you. You're not even here and I'm thinking I need to wake Kinsley up, I need to wake you up. Like you're not dead. Like I haven't known that for six fucking years," tears escape my eyes, I let them fall, "It's not fair kid, it's not. Why the hell did you die? Why wasn't it me? I've murdered hundreds! With my bare fucking hands! You couldn't hurt a fucking thing even if it was attacking you!"

My voice breaks, "Why the fuck was it you? It wasn't your time! You were supposed to grow up! Get married, have kids, if you wanted to! You could've had a million animals if you wanted, or live your life in peace. I would've found a way to get you out! But fuck! Fuck! Fuck everyone! Fuck this world! I'd kill that bastard over and over if I could! But I can't! He's already dead! I already killed him! And it still doesn't feel okay! It didn't get better over time! Those stupid fucking lies! It isn't any better because you're not here!"

I choke on my tears, "I'm so fucking sorry," I gasp, "I'm sorry I didn't get there in time."

I lower myself onto the grass, clutching the dirt under my fingers.

"I'm so... sorry," I wheeze.

"I was supposed to protect you. I was the older one. Your big brother. I should've been better, I should've done everything in my power to make sure you were never in harm's way."

I sob into the ground, gasping for air. Everything hurts, everything breaks in me.

It's like she died all over again.

Every tear brings me back to that day, reliving it.

Every fist I pound into the grass brings me back to holding her cold and limp body in my arms. It brings me back to her crimson skin, bleeding out onto me. I'm right back to the sounds, the screams, her screams, her pleading for help, her cries for me to save her.

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't live.

My chest hurts and stings, my heart physically hurts. Sharp pains shock through me.

I don't know how long I stay there, the only thing that reminds me that I'm not stuck, trapped in time reliving those moments over and over, is the daylight slowly dimming. The birds stop chirping, but the crickets begin singing.

Somehow and with no recollection of it, I laid down on the grass, completely over the grave.

My head aches, my eyes are burning and are heavy to keep open. I'm exhausted. My body feels sluggish, like a dead corpse.

I blink slowly, coming back to life.

I'm broken from my death-like trance when I hear a twig snap. My head sharply turns and I see a face off into the distance. In the groups of trees.