𝖱౿ᑯ ᥣꪱᜒ𝗀𝗁𝗍ડ » 𝖡ɑ𐓣𝗀 𝖢𝗁ɑ𐓣

17

While we're back in the car, we don't say a word to each other. Chan is still holding my hand and the silence is eating at me so much that I break it. "Maybe we should talk." "About what?" he stares straight ahead and I notice that there are a few things going through his mind too. I raise my hand, including his, and look at him intently. "For example, about this. What is this? What are we?" "I don't know..." His gaze goes past me. He can't even look at me. "I mean, we're attracted to each other. Maybe there are some kind of feelings..." "But nothing serious?" "No matter what I say now, it will either hurt you or me." "Or we both see it the same way. On three. On three we'll say at the same time whether we have feelings for each other that are more than just a crush." Chan nods in agreement, although his expression clearly shows he has concerns. "1, 2, 3..." “No,” we say at the same time. "Well then. We've sorted that out." I let go of his hand and look out the window. The city passes us by and I watch the people on the streets. We both gave the same answer. But I can't help but think about that moment in the rehearsal room. When we almost kissed. Maybe we just lied to each other about our feelings. Nobody will probably know. "What's going to happen now? We're friends. You, me and the other slobs. Should I just pretend the last two months didn't happen and just be your stylist again?" "It could be difficult, but maybe it's better if we have some distance from each other first. At least for a few days so that the rumors die down. In the meantime, I'll try to sort things out with JYP." "Ok. Then we'll see each other in 4 days for the next interview?" Chan just nods. How much I hate this situation. Everything is weird now and all because of some stupid rumors. But what else did I expect? Now it's time to carry on with my job as best as I can and think about other things than Chan. “We’re here,” the driver stops in front of my apartment complex and I get out. "See you in a few days then. If something happens...well, let me know or something." "Bye Sarah." I hope he never says my names like that again. Disappointed and longing at the same time. It breaks my heart. Three days have already passed. Three days in which I worried too much. I thought everything through over and over again and in the end I always came to the same decision. I have feelings for Chan and I lied to him in the car. Since that day I've been getting messages from the boys asking if everything is ok, if I'm doing well and when we'll see each other again. It's hard to just answer them briefly and not just visit them. Hopefully Chan explained the situation to them and they aren't too mad at me. I haven't heard from him since he said goodbye. I'm lying on the sofa and scrolling through my photo gallery. After a short while I close the app again because the pictures remind me of either the boys or Chan. I stare at the ceiling in despair and ask myself what I did to deserve all this chaos. I angrily blame some person for this. The main thing is that I'm not the one to blame. My phone vibrates next to me. Sumi's number flashes on the display and I answer it. "Hey, how are you?" It's good to hear her voice. "According to the circumstances." "I heard. Are you okay with that?" "But?" "Yeah, sure. I don't care about the rumors." I briefly consider telling her the whole truth. To tell her how I really feel. It's exactly at this moment that I realize how alone I actually am here. My friends and family are several hours away by plane and apart from my job, I have nothing here in Seoul. I decide not to say anything to her. "No buts. Everything is really fine. Why did you call?" "I just wanted to update you about tomorrow." “Has something changed in the schedule?” "Well, how you take it. You'll only be responsible for styling Felix tomorrow." I sit up abruptly. This information shocks me. "I'm sorry, what?" "Please don't ask me why. It was an order from the top." "But Chan will be there, right? Is he okay?" "Yes, he will be there. But I think they just want you to keep your distance from each other as much as possible. I'm sorry." "It's not your fault. Thanks for the info." "Cheer up, it'll be okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Would you like me to bring you some coffee?" "That would be too sweet of you. Thanks Sumi, see you tomorrow." She hangs up and I try to process what I just heard from her. Did he stop working with me on his own initiative or was it another idea from his manager?

On the day of the interview, Chan and I don't say a single word to each other. We practically avoid each other. The others were even more happy to see me and there was even a group hug. Even at the appointments in the days that followed, there was only brief eye contact between Chan and me, if at all. Good thing we can both play the game. However, I am a little worse than him. "Sarah?" I'm just about to get Felix ready for the shoot when he snaps me out of my thoughts. "What? Sorry, I wasn't listening to you." "I know. You were busy staring at Chan." "I wasn't at all." His look shows that he knows I'm lying. "Ok. Maybe a little." “Don’t you want to talk to each other?” "There's nothing to talk about." "Are you sure?" "Felix..." "Sorry, I just want you both to be okay again." He actually looks a little worried. "You should experience what he's like at home. Most of the time he stays in his room and when he comes out he hardly talks to us. He really withdraws. We don't know him like that at all." "I'm sorry for that." "And you don't look happy either. We all miss you. And I'm sure Chan does too."
"I miss you too. But it's an order from your manager. This is my job Felix. I can't afford to be fired." "We understand that too. But is there no way?" He doesn't get a real answer from me because I don't know myself. After the shoot, I'm just about to put away my utensils when I hear a throat clearing behind me. When I look up I see Chan standing behind me in the mirror. I turn to him, a little perplexed by this. With his hands in his pockets, he looks embarrassed at the floor. "Hey..." "So you still know I exist." I shouldn't be so mean to him, but he also hasn't made an effort to talk to me in days. "Of course. Um...how should I start..." Chan struggles with the words and it feels like we've never spoken normally before. "Just spit it out." "Tonight, dinner, at your place? I'll cook too." I didn't expect that at all. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" "Very safe, actually. So?" "How is it so sudden?" "I have made a decision." “And that would be?” My heart is racing. "No one should tell me who I should and shouldn't spend my time with. They can't fire me, so I don't give a fuck about the rules." "And what about me? I can be fired." I lean against the dressing table with my arms crossed. He makes his decision too easy for himself. "No journalist or fan knows where you live. Your house has an underground car park. Nobody will notice if we meet at your place." "That sounds familiar. And a short time later there were pictures of us all over the internet." "That's all I can offer you, Sarah. So what do you say?" Not an easy decision. It could cost me my job if this gets out. On the other hand, I finally want to spend time with Chan again. Sighing, I push myself off the table. "Ok. Then tonight. You should go shopping if you want to cook." “Is 6:30 p.m. OK?” "Yes, that suits me." He's grinning ear to ear and I realize how much I've missed that grin. How much I missed him. My feelings are like a rollercoaster. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but there's nothing I can do about it. Not when he looks at me like that. "Then see you later." He says goodbye and leaves the room in a visibly better mood.