I Said No

Chapter five

I need another drink. "Layla, let's take another shot," I say to her. "I want to black out tonight."

"Anything for the birthday girl!" Layla exclaims back to me.

I did want to black out. I did not want to remember anything about my life. I like being drunk. It seems to fill an emptiness that I now always have. An empty black hole that could only be filled with vodka. My life in the last month has been lifeless. Filled with booze, skipping classes, making up lame excuses to my professors and doing the bare minimum at work.

I have cut almost all of my friends out of my life. Anyone that has ever meant anything to me, I have dropped. I can't bare to see their faces. I am no longer who I was and I don't want anyone to know that. So I choose to be cold and distance myself from everyone and anyone. Well, anyone who wasn't getting drunk with me.

I still had Layla, I still had Alicia, and a friend from high school, Bay. My drinking buds. They decided to throw me a birthday party at Layla's condo. The whole place was filled with other people who wanted to get blacked out too. Probably also trying to feed their demons or trying to drown them with liquor.

I need more jungle juice. I need to fill my cup with that everclear, Hawaiian Punch, and every kind of fruit you can imagine, mixture. A delicious mixture that you can drink and drink and drink and have no realization, until it's too late. The alcohol content is way too high. But that's what I am looking for. To get drunk—Extremely drunk.

I need to be drunk tonight. I don't want him to be my number two. Kyle and I aren't talking again, but I need someone else to be my number two or number three? I'm not sure how things like this work. Can I just not count it? I have to count it right? Either way, I need to have sex with someone else.

I need another cup of jungle juice. I walk back towards the kitchen where it is waiting for me in a big blue Rubbermaid tote. I ladle scoop after scoop into my cup and begin to drink again. It goes down easily, too easily.

That cup made me feel lightheaded. I must have drank it too fast. Oh well, I need more. I again refill my best friend for the night, my red solo cup.

I have been talking to my old high school friend, Anthony, a lot lately. I have called him my best friend in the past, but we haven't talked much lately.

Everyday in high school he would walk me to class and give me pep talks about Kyle. Telling me I'm worth it, telling me I didn't need that scrub. He has this crude sexual humor to him. But once you get past all the dirty jokes and cat calls and over sexualization of women, he truly is a great friend. He's been there for me. He's been someone I can actually talk to like normal these days. He doesn't know and that is freeing.

Anthony was everybody's friend in high school. Someone that always got invited to the parties. He played football and was in choir. If I wouldn't have been so stuck on Kyle, we could have made a good couple. I always felt jealous of the other girls in his life. Anthony always had so many girls, often a couple at once. But if we dated, that wouldn't happen to us. We were too close. He had helped me through pain and had been there for me. He is still there for me. He would never hurt me like Kyle did. He wouldn't treat me like just another girl.

"Come take a shot with us!" My friends yell to me from the kitchen. It's way too small for all the people in it. Everyone is in layers. A layer of girls sitting on the counters. A layer of boys way too close to them, some making out with each other; standing in between their legs, facing up at their female counterparts. The small kitchen is filled to the brim.

All I can think about is Anthony right now. Why isn't he here at the party yet? He's all I want to see. We did have a brief time where we could have worked, if I wouldn't have moved away from Washington back to Oregon.

---

We were at my friend Ron's huge high school graduation party for all of us who had just graduated that day. His mom was cool and let him have this awesome party. I had my first shot there, an everclear shot in a little plastic trophy shaped shot glass. Ron told me to be cool and take it and you listen to Ron when he tells you something. He's tall, thick, muscular, and as dark as night. Well, besides his bright white smile. But when he told me to take that shot, I knew I had to. I wanted to be cool. I wanted to fit in with everyone else. I needed to let loose—high school was over! I threw the shot to the back of my throat and ouch did it hurt. It felt like a hammer to the chest.

My friend Shy and I were drinking hypnotic all night. It was my first time being actually drunk. Anthony was there sitting in the windowsill, and he looked good, so extremely good. I decided I was going to go say hi. Flirting would be easy with my newly found liquid courage. As soon as I got over to him, he pulled me in closer. His hands holding my ass, I swayed back and forth, trying to flirt and show him I was interested. I lost my balance, but he caught me and held my hip while I drunkenly sat there in his lap. With my arms wrapped around him and my fingers laced behind his neck, we talked. We talked like that for a while. Keeping eye contact, us holding on to each other. Then he kissed me. I kissed him back. I hadn't had such a passionate kiss in a while. Not since Kyle. I could stay there and kiss him all night long.

Bay came out of no where, yelling that we had to go. The cops had shown up to break up the party where everyone was a minor and they were generously passing out MIP's. But I didn't want to go. It might have been because I was too drunk to move, or maybe because of the way Anthony was looking at me, holding my hand. But Bay was persistent. She always has been. She's tough, strong, and speaks with purpose. Five foot six and thick. She is muscular, a not a lot of makeup kind of girl. She told me I was her responsibility and I was supposed to sleep in her bed that night. She told me I could either walk out with her or she would pick me up and take me with her.

I mouthed, 'sorry! I have to go,' while Bay pulled me by my free hand. Anthony held onto my other hand until there was no more leeway. But she didn't let go. We ran out the back door and ran through the back yard until we came to a fence. She then let go of my hand and told me to 'jump!' We got out of there and I haven't seen Anthony since. That was a year and a half ago.

---

"Emily, come with me. I have a surprise for you." Layla says in a mysterious tone. I follow her up the stairs excited for what it could be.

"Find Anthony. Get him here." I yell to Bay before getting all the way out of view. Could it be Anthony up there waiting for me?

We get to the bathroom upstairs and I have a chance to check myself in the mirror. My hair is already losing some of its curl and my black eyeliner is starting to run. I wipe away the excess makeup and fluff my hair to try and give it more life. I'm wearing a blue dress. It is somewhat fancy, fancier than I have ever dressed at a party before. Layla and I had decided to dress up. My dress is like one you would see at homecoming. It has a bubble shape and some rhinestones at the bodice. Layla's is similar, but black.

She pulls out a pill.

"It's adderall, want some?" Layla asks me with such enthusiasm. Adderall, the college drug that helps people study? I know lots of people who use it, but never with alcohol at a party. What will it do? I've never done a drug in my life.

"What the hell, why not?" I answer. And why not? Who cares. I walk back down the stairs to the party. The house is full. Everyone is dressed tip-top in dresses or dress shirts and slacks. Everyone looks so exceptional. Is that...

"ANTHONY!" I yell and run into his arms for a hug. He looks so dapper. He's wearing a navy blue button up, black pants and a pea coat. It must be cold outside. It's the middle of winter, I am a January baby, of course it's cold tonight. But he looks so good. His big beautiful smile, his dark endearing eyes, his deep olive smooth skin. He grabs me in the small of my back and pulls me in closer.

"You look beautiful," he whispers into my ear.

I want to have sex with Anthony tonight.

***Author's note***

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