I Said No

Chapter twenty

I got an email today from school. I'm too scared to read it. I feel an immediate pit in my stomach, one turning over on it's self about to explode. I'm sure it has to do with my grades this term. I don't want to ruin my day, I'm feeling better today. I went to dinner with Dave, Alex, and Jessica. I told them about what happened that night after Taylor's party when we were all drinking at Alicia's house.

I, for the first time in a long time, felt support. Dave and Alex were ready to go hunt him down and kill him. Jessica started crying. I felt support. That's what I have needed all this time. For people to care and listen and talk to me. It didn't matter that they weren't my best friends. I just needed people to make me feel better.

I don't want to open it.

But I need to.

My heart drops from my chest. I'm out. I've been suspended from the University of Oregon. The email stated that I could come back after improving my GPA elsewhere for a year and mentions going to the local community college to boost it up. My grades are not up to their standards, so I am out.

I remember when I was first applying to get into the U of O. All through high school I knew that's where I wanted to go. Through the move from state to state, I still knew Oregon is where I wanted to go.

I was discouraged from time to time, my parents had made it clear that once I left the house they would not help me and they pushed for the local community college. For a little while, I succumbed, I thought I would do their plan. Make my parents happy.

In my AVID class, we were breaking grounds though. I was able to take my SATs twice for free. I had to take them twice. The first time was homecoming weekend and Kyle was sitting at my parents' house while I was taking them, waiting patiently, probably seeing pure humiliation from my family. It was all I could think about. And when I finally got my results, I truly tanked. The next time I took them, I got over a 400 point increase.

In my AVID class, I was writing into scholarships, I was getting my personal statement done, I was preparing to be in a true university. Not just a community college. In that class it truly felt like we were all in, big college or bust. The whole point of the program was to hold students accountable to the highest standards, provide academic and social support, and then the student will rise to the challenge. I wanted to rise to the challenge. I wanted to go to a big University. That class was the best decision I ever made in high school, joining the program. I would have never known what steps to take or how to prepare.

I wanted to do the early admissions to the U of O and get it out of the way. They were my first pick, but I had mistaken when the due date was and wasn't enlightened by a fellow hopeful attendee until the day everything was due. I skipped class all day to get it all done, which included three letters of recommendation, a personal statement, an essay, and an extremely thorough application. But I finished. I got it in on time.

I didn't get in right away. My GPA was bare minimum of what they wanted. My other acceptance letters were coming in: Arizona State, Washington State, Portland State, University of Portland. I also got my first rejection letter from the University of Washington.

But eventually, I got that acceptance letter from the University of Oregon. I oh-so-tenderly opened the envelope and then unfolded the paper, slowly, somewhat anticipating a rejection because it took so long, but still being hopeful—it was my first choice. My eyes painfully scanned the paper and there it was, my beautiful acceptance. I screamed as loud as my lungs would allow and ran through my house, my entire family looking at me as if I were a lunatic. I ran to my dad and hugged him and told him I got in. I was crying of happiness. I did it. All that hard work had paid off.

And now, I had wasted it away. I had thrown away my education. I had wasted my grandmother's money. What would I do now? How did I let my life get so bad?

I can't go through life having been raped and kicked out of college. College is what I've always wanted. I always knew I wanted to go. There was never an underlying thought of choosing something different. College is my choice. I want to graduate, I want a career.

What will I tell people? What will I tell my family? I was supposed to be the one. I've always tried so hard to be perfect. Now I am everything besides perfect. All those years of pretending to be a perfectionist and it is now all being thrown back into my face.

My studio feels smaller than usual. The walls are coming in closer. They are going to swallow me and no one will care that I'm gone. I've always had mild claustrophobia, but tonight, I feel like I'm dying.

Suddenly, I can't breathe.

Dying.

I don't want to have to deal with all of this. Dying seems so much easier. I walk slowly to my medicine cabinet in my bathroom. I never take medicine. I'm hardly ever sick. All I have is some old midol, and a small bottle of ibuprofen. I guess that'll do. I pour the contents of the bottle of ibuprofen into my hand and then raise it to my mouth and swallow them all. Each and every one. I bend down over my sink and drink some water straight from my faucet. I then head up the ladder to my bedroom.

This will be easier. I will go to sleep and slip away. No one will know. No one will care.

I lay down on my bed and pull the covers over myself. I get myself comfortable and roll over to my side. As if I was simply going to sleep. Just any other day.

I'm exhausted anyway.

***Author's note***

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