I Said No

Chapter twenty five

"I was raped," I calmly tell my old friend Tessa. I look forward, through my windshield, looking no where in particular, into the darkness, the sound of rain filling my car as we sit in this parking lot.

Her dad and my stepmom's brother were childhood best friends, but I didn't meet her until we played softball together my freshman year of high school. Here was this awesome, bubbly, fun-loving catcher that I should have known my entire life. We often go long periods of time without talking, but whenever we get back together, it's as if no time has passed at all. She's a true friend. She's loyal, she'll go to the end of the world for her friends.

Once I met her, I wanted to hang out with her all of the time. I caught rides with her to our games, I stayed at her house. She had her own family issues, but that made her more relatable. Her father seemed to be a normal guy, I'd even say comedian worthy. I thought he was hilarious. Look past the jokes and he had much deeper issues. Issues that spewed over onto his daughters.

I remember I came to visit after high school, I was a freshman in college, she was a sophomore. He immediately went on about how great I looked and then referenced to her, "oh the freshman fifteen is real." I immediately shut down. How could this funny guy be so cruel? And the critiquing continued on throughout the day. It was as if she could do no right in his eyes, when really she was this wonderful girl who I saw no wrong in.

But Tessa still loved life. Everything about it. She was an athlete, she had a great group of core friends, she was a Christian. She also always knew all the juicy gossip. I'm not usually a gossip, but it's always incredibly intriguing to hear. She's blonde, thick, with this kickass personality. She'll tell you like it is, which is something I really admire about her. I am more of a people pleaser and sometimes tiptoe around people to ensure I can keep everyone else happy. She doesn't do that. She has her opinion on everything and she will tell you.

"What happened?" She whispers back to me. I can hear the pain in her voice. I take her through each painstaking detail. If I'm going to start telling my friends, I need to be completely honest about it. I tell her about the party, I take her through Alicia's house, through when it happened, how Alicia sent him off, how I ended, feeling alone.

"I said no," I reiterate to her, "I said no over and over and over again."

"Who did it?" She says through her gritted teeth, her entire face flushed with pink.

"Danny Black," I whisper.

"Danny Black who went to Springfield?"

"Yes."

"Oh no. This isn't his first time. He did it to my friend. Same thing, she was drunk, he wasn't. He took advantage of her! He did the same thing. You need to call the police. You need to report his ass. He can't keep doing this to girls!" I can see tears starting to flow down her cheeks.

"Are you sure?" I am immediately filled with so many questions. I'm not the only one? He's done this before? My stomach clenches. I feel sick. He's done this to another girl? Another girl has had to feel what I am feeling? Another girl may have become depressed, or even suicidal over this same action.

I thought I was done crying, I thought I had rehearsed this enough that my tears wouldn't escape tonight. This was too unexpected. How could someone be so cruel? How could someone put another human being so far below themselves? And not only once, but twice. Or more now. Who knows.

How can someone force someone to have sex? How is that even a thing? How is rape a thing? I try and put myself in his shoes. How could I ever force myself upon someone? My stomach turns while trying to thinking about it. No one should ever have to worry about being sexually assaulted and here is this guy who goes around looking for drunk girls to take advantage of.

"Yes! She told me herself. The similarities are disgusting. He must prey on drunk women!" She spits out. I look at her face, I watch her emotions change from pure rage to devastation. She turns and grabs me, holds me, not letting go.

I feel a wall fall from around me. I shudder with the release of tension. I start bawling. My entire body shaking as I hold onto her tighter. I feel her body shaking against mine. I gasp for air and she combs my hair down with her palm, soothing me, trying to make it all go away.

My breathing begins to even out. I'm able to think clearly again, beyond this moment. What I need to do tonight, eat some food. Again, I can't remember the last time I ate. Tomorrow? Go to work and then Miranda's house. Mirandas house, I have to do this all over again. I forgot. While scheduling all of my friends in, I thought if I'm doing it, I might as well get it over with and do all of them consecutively.

It should be fine. That will be less pressure. She'll make dinner, we will hang out, I'll tell her, we will play with her cat and then it will be fine.

"Thank you Tessa. I missed you." I say with a smile. This helped so much. I feel a weight lifted from my chest.

"Of course girly. I missed you too. Let's not wait so long before we hang out again. Let me know if I can go beat some ass," she says, no sarcasm about it. I think if I said she could, she would. But that's not what I want. I just want this to all disappear, to tell my friends, and to never have to talk about it ever again.

Except, right now. Right now I need to talk. I need to fill them in on my life. I can't keep them locked out any longer. I need friends.

***Author's note***

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