I Said No

Chapter twelve

I turn my phone back on. I need to feel a little less disconnected. Being alone is getting to me. All I can think about is how alone I feel and how much I don't want to feel anything anymore. How I don't want to be here anymore. Having a little social interaction will be good. I need to get out of my head. I need to stop thinking and overanalyzing everything. I don't want to die. I just don't want to feel like this and sometimes dying seems better.

I peal my eyes away from my ceiling and take a moment to check my phone. Estaphan has text me asking me to meet up with him today for lunch. He is one of the very few who knows about it so I decide to accept his offer. Maybe he will have some words of encouragement. Maybe he will have a bible verse that would help enlighten my situation. Or say a prayer over me to help relieve some of my pain. I agree to meet up with him. I should probably eat something anyway. I can't remember the last time I ate. Eating sounds good. Eating is probably the first step towards healing. And the second step is probably talking to a friend. Talking and being social. Being out there—Being alive.

We meet at El Taco. It is a delicious little ma and pa, hole in the wall, Mexican restaurant. Cheap, good food in gigantic portions. Estaphan is there first. He is smiling and gives me a hug as I walk in. He is tan, Pacific Islander tan and is somewhat short for a man. I consider myself short and he isn't much taller than I am. He has dark gel spiked hair, a gap in his front teeth and has a slight accent. We start talking like everything is normal. We talk about the weather and how we are. For a second I feel normal. We order our food, make our way over to a booth and sit down to wait for it to arrive.

"So how did it happen?" He asks me, without any warm up questions or a second to actually acknowledge the pain I have been in. And the one question I didn't want to talk about. The one question I didn't think he would ask. Not how I was raped. Why would this man of God ask me how I got myself raped? I was raped, wasn't that good enough?

"I drank too much and he wouldn't stop when I told him no." That was the simplest response I could give, but still I feel the tears coming down. This is the first time I've actually talked to someone about it besides with Alicia that night. But her and I didn't truly talk about it. I just told her what happened, she dealt with it, and we went to sleep. I think I need to talk to someone. I need to get this off my chest. I need a friend.

"I'm sorry," he tells me. He looks serious, not empathetic. He looks like he is about to reprimand me for stealing cookies out of the cookie jar. "I have spoken to Mark and we have decided to give you some time off. We think you need some time to yourself before you come back."

"Are you kicking me out?" I ask shocked. This was the last thing I anticipated happening. "You spoke to Mark? Why would you speak to Mark?" Mark is one of the founders of our youth group. He's been around forever in the program and is the father to some of the other leaders.

"I did speak to Mark. I needed someone to talk to. I needed help coming up with a solution. A temporary suspension is what we came up with. To give you plenty of time to heal and rebuild your relationship with God." I just stare at him for a while. I'm baffled. He is my friend and he's treating me like I had joined a whore house and was now regretting my decision. Why am I being suspended?

"You had no right speaking to anyone! I trusted you with something devastating and you just go and tell the worst person you could tell. Fine. I won't be in your group. I don't need to ever come back!" I say back to him. Not yelling, but with a steely tone. Like a mother in a grocery store, scolding her child in a quiet voice, for only the child to hear. It's a terrifying voice.

I leave, before our food comes. I'm livid. I can feel my blood starting to boil in pure outrage. How dare he. I should have stayed home. Why did I turn my phone back on? Why did I leave my house, my comfort zone? Why did I trust him?

I guess I can't talk to people about it. I thought talking would help. I thought being with a friend would help. How can I trust anyone with this kind of information again. This is my life! My entire life now. I feel so hurt.

Those kids are the only positive aspect in my life right now. They are fun, so silly, and their laughter helps numb my Wednesday evenings. Even if it's only been one service since it happened. I toughed it out. I pretended everything was ok and even though I was quieter than usual, it was pleasant. It was nice to be around people and kids who love God. They are the only things bringing happiness in my life right now and he thinks he can strip that away from me.

He's texting me apologizing now. But it's too late. It didn't matter how many times he says he is sorry, he betrayed me. I don't ever want to see him again. I don't need him. I don't need anyone. I just need a drink. Drinking will be my cure to this pain. Drinking will be my friend. I don't need anyone and no one needs me.

***Author's note***

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