I Said No

Chapter thirty

No one has been in my studio in so long. It's a mess. I've been living in a war zone. Dirty dishes everywhere, food scattered, my clothing on every surface, crevice, floor, and counter. I need to clean up before Kyle gets here.

I start walking the perimeter of my studio. I don't know where to begin. I've really been living this way? Living in complete and utter disaster? I guess I've been too sad to even really notice. I drink, I come home, I sleep.

I feel lightheaded. This is too much. Why did I agree to have Kyle over?

I climb up the stairs to my bed and sit on it's edge holding my head. Am I an alcoholic? Had this whole traumatic event turned me into who I never wanted to become? I remember telling my dad I would never drink. I used over emphasize it to him, hoping he too would quit one day. And here I am, drunk once again, unhappy with who I am, and about to make another regrettable decision.

I mean, it will be nice to have Kyle over, but it will end the same. It always ends the same. He will come over all fun and flirty. He'll talk about how much he misses me, how much he loves me and how he wants to be with me. He'll hug me and hold me and kiss me and bring back every emotion I've ever felt towards him. We will eventually have sex and then he will walk straight back out that door. I will text him saying 'it was nice seeing him' and he won't reply. I know what will happen. It happens every time. Every. Single. Time. I kick my clothes on the floor in anger. Why do I do this to myself? I kick more of them and start making a pile of my clothing beside my bed.

I gather all of my clothes from around my studio and carry them up to my bedroom until they form an embarrassingly gigantic mound. That alone makes my studio look so much better. I get down on my hands and knees and push the pile in between my bed and wall in hopes that it will be less eye catching. While doing so, my memory box catches my eye. I haven't looked at it in so long. It has evolved over the years. It used to be a little plastic makeup box that I had photos in. Now it's a full on rubber-made tote that holds pieces of my entire life. From photos of my childhood that I have gathered, to notes I used to pass with boys, to my high school prom court sash.

Everything that I have valued is in this tote. It's too full to have a lid on it. My baby book is the first thing. Thick and pink and filled with lace and frills. Next is a smaller tote that holds a large stack of pictures. And then, a notebook. My heart drops. I immediately open it and I am thrown into another world. A world when Kyle loved me. A world when we were together and destined for eternity.

---

I had gotten permission from my parents to go spend the second half of Christmas break in Oregon with Kyle. He drove up to Washington to pick me up only to turn back around and drive us back to Oregon. We listened to music and laughed and talked the entire drive down, dedicating songs to each other, professing our forever love.

I was to sleep at my aunt's house and was under the impression that my parents obviously were wanting me to stay there alone, but once I got to town, my dad called me and told me he'd rather 'I have Kyle there to protect me, but to be smart. And not do anything he wouldn't do.' We stayed in that house almost the entire time. We went to a New Year's Eve party with his friends and I met his parents another occasion, but besides that we were having sex. Over and over again. I've never had so much sex in my life, I had also never had the opportunity to have so much sex. Watching a movie, sex. Wake up in the middle of the night to kiss his back, sex. We didn't even say a word, just did the deed and went back to bed. We went until I physically could not go any longer. And even then we kept trying.

The New Year's Eve party was fine, filled with a bunch of people I didn't know. I didn't drink and I was the DD that night, even though I didn't have my license, just my permit. But Kyle was in no shape to drive.

That's actually the first night I met Lacey and her husband Tyson. Midnight struck and everyone started kissing their significant others. Kyle kissed me and it went on and on forever, as if he was trying to beat everyone else in the length. As if the longest kiss meant the most love. When the kisses and cheers ended, Lacey started yelling at Kyle about 'never coming over and seeing her daughter'. And 'what kind of uncle doesn't see his niece.' She never said hi to me. Little did I know that she would be my friend and then have sex with him years later.

The best part was going to his parents' house. That's where he was living at the time. The house was small and cluttered. His parents seemed much older than mine. His mom greeted me with a sweet hug and had baked goodies for my arrival. After sitting around and talking about our relationship and my family and school and my plans for the future, we finally got a chance to escape the 20 questions and go to his bedroom. Again it was small, just enough room for a bed and dresser. He laid down and motioned for me to sit down. I remember being so confused. He grabbed a notebook and gave me a coy smile. He told me that he knew I was the writer and that he had tried to write something for me for a change.

He read his piece, having to take moments to catch his breath and slow down, and eventually allowing his tears to flow. I too began to cry. No one would ever love me the same. This man loved me with everything that he had.

---

I open up the red used notebook. Only a few pages are left. But the few that are left are those that matter. Through scribbled words and crossed out phrases, I reread his words.

Hope

Drowning in my own loneliness,
Every day was another test,
Praying every night for some hope,
Would it ever come?
Could I make it up a seemingly endless slope.
Days kept passing by
Did my happiness finally die
I needed hope, but the question was still asked every night.
Would it ever come?
Looking for my hope, my heart was broken
I just wish I didn't feel like the unwanted token
I convinced myself I was done with the opposite sex
I was tired of all of the train wrecks.
Please give me hope, I'm begging for my hope.
Would it ever come?
It was so unexpected
At the time I was feeling so disconnected
I was feeling so rejected
So neglected
Was my heart finally resurrected
Could this be what I was waiting for
Could this be a chance at hope
Did it finally come?
Thinking about her made me happy
I could finally crack a smile
I never wanted to leave her side
She made my days worthwhile.
It all felt so genuine and real
It was about time for my heart to heal
Was this it, was this my hope
Did it finally come?
People say true love comes when you are least expecting it.
But this quickly? It seemed impossible.
I didn't even know what true love was.
But then it finally hit me...
True love is her
True love is my hope
She is my hope.
It had been in front of my face for two years
How could I not realize it
I don't care, it's a relief to be done with the tears
My hope, my true love had finally come.
For two years it has been hiding behind a smile and a face full of freckles.
So now my days are filled with happiness and joy
And she found love in this college boy.
I had grownup since the last time we saw each other
I wasn't the only one because she had to too
When I looked at her, I had a new point of view.
The girl who has grown up now, lights up my life
My happiness has come back
It will be back forever, because I know she will be my wife
Love has found a way to mend my broken heart
Together our lives we will start.
I love this girl more than anything in the world
She is my one true love.
She makes me the best person I can be everyday
It's like she was sent from up above.
I will love her until the day I die
And until then, she will never leave my side.

***Author's Note***

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