I Said No

Chapter sixteen

I caress Anthony's back. I run my hands up and down his body. His skin is smooth, hairless, a perfect light chocolate. I can feel his muscle tone. I give his arm a squeeze.

It's weird, I've only ever had sex with Kyle, until... a month ago. Or until five minutes ago. But I don't think about that as my actual concept of sex. I did not enjoy it, I didn't give my consent, I didn't want to do it, so I can't envision differences between Kyle and Danny, but Anthony. Anthony is different. I can count this.

We are on the bare carpet because there were not enough blankets for everyone. We only have the blanket on top of us. I can still hear the few people left at the party over in the corner.

Anthony looks down at his knees, they were worn raw and a light pink. He had gotten a carpet burn on each of them. He lays back down beside me, kisses me, wraps me in his arms and falls asleep.

I had chosen this time. Kyle was no longer my only. Now I have added my old best friend who helped me through my Kyle breakup. Does this count as two or three?

Anthony is officially the second person I've had sex with. That's how I'm going to say it. That's how I'm going to think it.

He is my number two.

He means something to me, he is my friend, and I have chosen this. It's my choice. Who I have sex with is my choice.

---

Anthony is getting ready to leave early this morning. I watch him get ready. First, he slides his t-shirt on back over his head. Then, he takes another good look at his knees. He laughs it off, points at them and mouths 'worth it,' to me. Him and his jokes. I let out a silent chuckle. He puts in one leg into each side of his pants, slides on his shoes, puts on his jacket and then kisses me. A pleasant soft kiss. It's quick. Seemingly like one that you would give someone out of habit. Did he want to make us a habit? He's got his button up shirt in the crook of his elbow and now, he's gone.

Just like that, I feel alone again. Almost instantaneously. I can feel the silence eating at me.

I need to talk to Layla. I need her to tell me I made the right decision or at least talk out loud to someone instead of being cemented in my own head. I walk up her stairs. Cautiously, ensuring that I do not wake the others.

"Did you hear someone having sex last night, Jesus!" I hear from the same group around the corner from where Anthony and I slept. I hold my breath. Oh no, they heard us. I feel my cheeks get warm and start to flush. I don't want other people to know. I just needed this. I needed someone else to be my most recent partner. I needed someone else. I feel myself starting to panic. I can't breathe.

"Yeah, Layla must have really been getting down last night," someone else says. I let out a sigh and try to catch my breathe. Layla. They thought it was Layla.

I'm almost to her room. Will I be bothering her? She did go to bed with a boy last night. She is probably still sleeping. Maybe I should go back downstairs. Or just drive to my parents house.

"Good morning, sunshine," Layla says to me on her way to the bathroom with a coy smile on her face. I follow her in. This isn't the first time we've shared a bathroom together. It is normal for us, she can pee, I can talk, or do makeup, or shower, anything. She is wrapped in a robe. She's naked. That boy must still be in her room, I didn't see anyone come down the stairs this morning.

"I have something to tell you," I whisper to her. As if the walls could hear us, but I don't want anyone else to know. "I had sex with Anthony last night," I say in a large exhale.

"You dirty whore," she says as she lets out a squeal.

"Right? That's like three guys in the last month," I quickly reply. Why did I say that? Like I was proud. Why did I mention Danny? I feel disgusted in myself.

"See, you are a dirty whore," she says jokingly, "better slow it down." I know she's joking. She's laughing. But I don't like the sound of that. I'm not a whore. I was only supposed to have sex with Kyle. She starts walking back to her room and gives me another wink. I slowly walk down her stairs and lay back down on the bare carpet with my one blanket and think about what just happened.

Am I counting him as a number now? I didn't want to count him. I didn't want to ever think about him again. That was the whole point of sleeping with Anthony, so I wouldn't ever have to think about him. Anthony was a good choice. I'm happy with my choice.

But if I'm happy with my choice, why do I feel so dirty right now? Why would I brag about having slept with three guys when I would rather die than ever have to see Danny again?

I feel sick. What have I done? I run up Layla's stairs and into the bathroom. I lift the toilet seat and begin to throw up last night's bad decisions. But last night doesn't feel like a bad decision. That actually felt more or less ok. Anthony was necessary. Drinking was necessary. The only thing I am now regretting is how I responded to Layla.

I am not a whore.

I have only had sex with two people. Anthony is my second. I was not ever raped. This was all just a dream. Everything is going to be ok.

Everything is going to be ok.

***Author's note***

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