I Said No

Chaper seven

I finally got everyone gathered and drove them all back to Alicia's house. My car was packed full; two people in the passenger seat and four squished in back. I'm glad I was driving so that I didn't have to feel too claustrophobic with someone breathing on me. I let Danny ride over to Alicia's house with us. We have a small crowd of people here: Alicia, Dave, his cousin Alex, Jessica, Danny, and I.

I'm so happy to be away from Taylor's birthday party. Not because it wasn't a fun party, obviously everyone was having a lot of fun. Anyone could see that by how intoxicated everyone was. But I wasn't having fun. I didn't feel like I belonged there. I felt like an outsider looking in. I felt betrayed by my best friend.

There is plenty of alcohol here. We have beer and bottles of hard liquor. I start drinking heavily. Heavily and quickly. I am sad drinking. Drinking because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Even with the people who are closest to me. Maybe, it's because I don't know who Layla is anymore. But I am here, at my friends house and conveniently enough, there is alcohol to be had. So I decide that I am going to let loose. I have no worries about how I'm going to get home, no creepy men around me. Just people like me, wanting to have fun.

Alicia and I are playing beer pong against Danny and Dave. Ten red solo cups stacked in perfect formation; one cup, then two, then three, and then four cups in the last line forming a perfect triangle on each side of Alicia's wooden dining room table.

I met Alicia in a hip hop elective class at the University of Oregon. We immediately clicked. She is simply a fun loving, down for anything kind of girl. She has medium length brown hair, tan skin, and is a little taller than I. She is my favorite person I've met in college so far.

Coincidentally, we started actually hanging out when I invited her to a "white trash" party and she drove 45 minutes from her parents' home to come join me. She wore jean shorts and a plaid shirt tied up under her chest in a Britney Spears, Baby One More Time, esque sort of way. But she was more modest—she had a tank top on underneath, not leaving her stomach exposed. She met people quickly and had made new friends already. We danced and sang and laughed all night long. I knew that this was a girl I wanted to hang out with. She was fun! She was obviously willing to do anything since she drove out of her way just to get here. And she seemed to not be into drugs or sleeping around like me. I needed fun friends like that, people who wanted to have fun without needing to do those things.

I cannot make one single stinking ball into a stupid cup. I am playing God-awful. I'm assuming my terrible tosses can be accosted to drinking too much because I am usually more coordinated and accurate with this game. They keep making us drink. That's the game I guess, your opponents make a ping pong ball into your cup and you have to drink. I don't see Danny drinking very much, but that's probably so he can get home. He doesn't know anyone here well enough to be comfortable to stay the night. I wouldn't want to stay with a bunch of people I hardly knew. He probably wants to make sure he doesn't get stuck here with a bunch of strangers at a stranger's home.

Shit, I need to get to a bathroom, I'm going to throw up. I quickly excuse myself to the bathroom that is precisely to the left of the table, let out a quick spew of puke and then as quickly as I left, I'm back and I resume playing. I don't think anyone noticed that I just threw up. I hope they didn't hear me.

"Made another cup! Take a drink!" Dave shouts to us over the music. I grab my drink and with what little is left, down it to the back of my throat.

"That's the last time, we are coming for you!" I yell as I walk to the kitchen to refill my drink.

---

I am too drunk.

I need to go to bed.

I can't walk.

My head is spinning.

"Alicia, would you please take me to bed. I can't make it up your stairs," I ask her laughing. And I can't make it by myself. I keep falling, I feel sick, and I can't keep my eyes open. They feel as if they have been sewn shut, and I am still trying to pry them open. I need to close my eyes. I need to go to sleep. I can't wait to wake up so this terrible night can finally be over.

"Of course," she says with endearment in her voice. She walks over to me, puts my arm over her shoulder, grabs me around my waste, and starts helping me up her stairs. One step at a time. There are a lot of stairs. It feels like they will never end. I feel another batch of the spins take over me and know I need a break or else I will throw up.

"Wait, wait, wait," I say. "I need to breathe," I take several deep breaths in and out so I don't puke on these stairs in front of everyone. "Ok, I'm ready," I say with a long exhale.

We make it to her room. Thank god. I can sleep off this terrible drunk and wake up feeling better. We walk in and I notice someone else is already in her bed.

Danny is already in her bed.

She releases her grasp of me and sets me in it anyway.

"Alicia, you're coming back right? I'm sleeping with you right?" I ask her, half pleading with her, half reassuring myself. I sit up on the edge of her bed. I just need to hear it. I need Danny to hear it. I don't sleep around with boys. I never have and I never will. Especially not when I am this hammered.

"Of course! I'll be right back. We are sleeping together," she tells me. That calms my uneasiness and I crawl into bed without changing. Even with all of my clothes and makeup still on, I feel comfortable. I feel better just laying here. I already feel less sick, my spins finally subsiding.

Going to sleep when I'm at this point of drinking has worked in the past when I have felt this sick. It made me feel better then, I'm sure it'll make me feel better now. I can just sleep away the awfulness drinking brings.

There have been many nights that I have slept with Alicia and this will be no different. I will wake up in the morning, the drunkenness and spins gone and we will go get breakfast. And with that brilliant thought, I nuzzle my head into her pillow, wrap the blanket around myself and roll over onto my side.

And then, there's Danny.

***Author's note***

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