I Said No

Chapter nine

Layla and I are playing beer pong against Anthony and Bay. I'm having fun. As dismal as it may seem, beer pong is making me feel better, it is. I feel good again, at least almost good. Almost normal. And almost feels good enough right now. It feels great.

I made another cup! Yes! "I'm on fire," I yell and high five Layla. Anthony then throws me back the ball. I reach out to catch it and I see it coming into my hand and then it drops. It was actually a foot further to the left.

"Woah, you're drunk," he tells me softly, seemingly as though he truly cares and thinks I need to slow down with my drinking. But I'm not that drunk. I know I'm not. I am still thinking coherently, still walking straight. I would say I have a strong buzz occurring; I'm giggling, I'm having fun, I might feel a little airy, but not hammered out of my mind unable to tract where a ball was landing. I saw the ball coming into my hand. What just happened?

"I guess so," I say as I laugh it off.

"It's the adderall, you're not that drunk," Layla whispers into my ear. As little as the action of misperceiving where the ball was falling may seem, it felt like an out of body experience. Watching the ball go into my hand and then it falling a foot away. I don't understand. I guess, oh well. What's done is done.

I've done a drug.

People are starting to trickle out. It's getting excruciatingly late. I'm happy they're leaving. I'm done playing hostess and getting overly enthusiastic every time someone wishes me a happy birthday.

"Birthday sex," Bay sings into my ear. A verse from that silly Jeremih song. Layla must have deemed Bay the most entertaining woman on the planet because she immediately runs over to play the song for the rest of the party, while she is doubled over laughing so hard.

'Birthday sex
Birthday sex oh oh oh oh
It's the best day of the year girl
Birthday sex
Birthday sex oh oh oh oh'

I shyly glance over at Anthony, hoping he wasn't catching on to all of this. Or maybe I wanted him to catch on. I wanted to feel him. I wanted to feel and think of someone else between my legs.

Anthony walks over and wraps me up in his arms and kisses me with a fire in his eyes.

I guess he did get the hint.

I've been waiting for that. Waiting for it since it was stopped a year and a half ago. He steers me to the couch. He sits down, grabs my drink and set it aside and then he pulls me into his lap. This feels all too familiar. De ja vu.

It feels right. Right for now. Right enough to take my mind off of what one might call life.

Most people have left now. Layla is starting to make beds for the people too drunk to go home. Everyone still here has changed into more comfortable clothes and are lounging around and chatting with each other. I excuse myself and head to the bathroom to do the same. I take off my heals, take off my dress, take off my bra and put on shorts and a t-shirt. Not the sexist attire, but I wasn't aware this was the plan for the evening.

I again look into Layla's mirror at myself. Is this who I want to be? Do I really want to have sex with someone else? I know I've been thinking about it, but thinking and doing are drastically different things.

I've only had sex with Kyle. Well, I guess not just Kyle. But I only ever wanted to have sex with him. Only him. But I can't do that with Kyle anymore. And I can't have him be my last. I just want to forget that ever happened and to do that, I need to choose my next sexual partner. I need to. I choose Anthony.

With that decision, I walk back down the stairs, in my non-sexy shorts and t-shirt. I scan the room on my way down the steps. Her living room is a decent size and in somewhat of an L shape because of her staircase. There are still several people in the corner with the couch and tv and a couple of people are still making out.

Anthony has made a bed with the single blanket that Layla gave me. It is out of the way from everyone else. On the other side of the L and out of sight line from the rest of the group of people. He watches me walk over to him with an intent in his eyes.

Layla makes her exit with a boy up to her room and gives me a wink on her way up the stairs. I blow her a kiss in return.

I can do this. I can do this. I want to do this.

I get under the blanket with him. He is already in only his underwear. I take a moment to admire his body. His skin is so soft and smooth. We start kissing again. Softly, he kisses me from my lip, to my neck, to my collar bone. We begin exploring each other's bodies. This is all so new to me. I've only done this with Kyle.

Kyle.

What am I doing? Just going to jump into bed with someone to try and cure my emptiness?

Anthony runs his hand down my back. It gives me the chills, feeling another man touch my bare skin. It is exhilarating. I need excitement. I need something positive, this is positive right? I want this. I don't want him to be the last person I have had sex with. I need this. It's in my power. I get to choose who I have sex with this time.

He runs his hand across my chest. I kiss him passionately now and pull him closer to me. He takes off my shirt.

***Author's note***

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