I Said No

Chapter ten

Kyle and I's relationship was tumultuous and relatively short. The actual relationship was short. Which seems odd because I fell so deeply in love with him. I have invested and continue to invest so much time into him, still, even almost two years later. Two years from when we went on a "break." We only dated for six months. That sounds stupid once I say it. How could I have gotten so attached to someone in only six months?

But I did.

I was attached.

Because we were in a long distance relationship, there was always so much talking. We were talking to each other all the time. I think that helped me fall so head over heals for him. I was telling him everything; my family history, my dreams, my goals, the future I saw with him. We always talked about us and us was forever. When we visited each other, it was long car rides, filled with songs dedicated to each other. My favorite song he dedicated to me was Whatever it is, by Zac Brown Band.

"And every time I try and tell her how I feel it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
You know I've never been the type that would ever want to stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
There's just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire
She's gonna be my wife"

Those were the good days. It feels longer than six months because truly, in my heart, it was longer. I still love him, even a year later. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved.

After we went on a break, he still drove up to visit. I loved when he came to visit, but it was very different from before. It was all secretive. He didn't come see my family, we didn't hang with my friends, we didn't go anywhere public. We stayed in his car, we hooked up, and then he would leave. Leaving me feeling used and abused. That continued on even harsher when I moved back to Oregon.

We would be at the same party, he'd seduce me with his charm and then he'd act like he didn't know me after. Or at other times, it would be like I wasn't even there and he would be flirting and hanging out with another girl, right in front of me. There were many nights where I was stuck in the bathroom crying over Kyle.

I felt his heartbreak over and over and over again. I was never enough for him. We never got back together. I was only good enough to have sex with, not to love. Not enough to be his girlfriend or his wife or the mother to his children like we had planned.

When will I stop reminiscing? That time in my life is over. He chose her.

We all went to that Zac Brown Band concert, he brought his new girlfriend and when our song came on, he looked right into her eyes and sang it to her. Right there, standing directly in front of me. Like it didn't matter. Like I didn't matter.

I still have not left my bed. I can't stop thinking and staring at my ceiling.

I wonder if I should force myself to eat. I should force myself to at least get up.

I live in a studio, but it's laid out like a minuscule house. I have a little kitchen with a little dining room section as soon as you walk in the door. There's a room off to the right that can only fit a love seat and tv. Past the dining room is my bathroom, which is a normal sized bathroom with a two person tub. But in the middle of my studio is a loft style bedroom above it all. You have to climb a wooden ladder to get up to my bed. This is my home. It's a disaster. I haven't cleaned in a long time. A sink full of dishes. Laundry all over the floor.

I guess I can get up and go take a bath. I turn on the faucet and begin to fill the tub with water so hot it could cleanse the dirtiest of sinners. But it's not hot enough to cleanse me.

When Kyle had told me he wanted to go on a break, I couldn't believe he was actually saying it. It was all over some girl, Tina, who I knew from Oregon. She began messaging me on Facebook, telling me 'Kyle was flirting with her friend at some party and he wouldn't stop and I needed to get my boyfriend in check.' When I brought it up to Kyle he just denied denied denied. And had this been the first encounter with such a situation, I probably would have dropped it, but it wasn't.

It made it even worse that I later asked the friend of Kyle had been flirting with her and she told me, 'Kyle will be Kyle.' How insulting, Kyle will be Kyle? I guess I didn't know he had such a reputation. Well, I guess I kind of did. I just didn't think he would ever do that to me. I thought he loved me. I thought I was his everything like he was mine.

There was that one time that my friend came to me between class at our high school and told me that my boyfriend, Kyle, was messing around with her friend Alice. Then there was another girl I heard about who didn't even go to my school. Both of these people shouldn't have even known who Kyle was. They shouldn't have even known his name. He lived in Oregon and we lived in Washington. Then there was this new tidbit of information. He told me I needed to trust him if I wanted this to work. I needed to trust him he told me. But I couldn't. I told him, "I didn't know."

He instantaneously reciprocated with, "If you don't know and you can't trust me, then we need to go on a break. We can't be in a long distance relationship without trust." That was it. He told me he loved me and hung up.

I tried calling him over and over again. Texting him. I must have seemed like a crazy woman. I kept calling and calling. It was almost my birthday and he was telling me we needed to go on a break. What does going on a break even mean? Isn't that when you get back together and it was a stupid mistake? Or an easy out when you're not happy? Maybe that's what it was to him. An easy out. But it wasn't easy for me. It was devastating.

That same day, he had already changed his Facebook relationship status. Who even cares about a Facebook relationship status? I guess he did and I still care now, so I guess I did too—Single.

I had to sleep on the bathroom floor that night because I couldn't stop throwing up. I heaved all night long. Then I laid in my sister's arm in her bed crying hysterically and refused to go to school the next day. I was heartbroken. High school love at its finest. Break up and you think your world is ending, but my world did feel like it was ending.

I loved him. I was so attached. I gave him my virginity. I promised him my future.

I sink deep into the water, holding my breath, and watching as the water continues to fill the tub above me. I wonder what would happen if I just stayed under the water. If I didn't come up. If this is how I should die.

I rise up out of the water just enough for my nostrils to get another breath of air and back down I go. I feel a slight tinge of pain because I inhaled some of the water. I ignore it. That's nothing in comparison to what happened just a couple days ago.

I was raped.

I try to hold my breath and stay under water as long as I can. I don't want to live in a world where I was raped.

***Author's note***

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