I Said No

Chapter eleven

"Why are you crying? What happened?" Alicia asks me with urgency in her voice. She looks scared. She caught me as I was running out of her room. I must look like a ghost. I feel like a ghost. I feel pale, I feel sick, I feel broken. I feel unheard, I feel used, I feel weak. She begins to look panicked, "What happened?" She repeats.

"I said no. I said no and he did it anyway. I said no" I shakily say back to her. She quickly turns to her bedroom and briskly walks in. I run to her bathroom, sobbing. I close the door and collapse to the floor. I put my hand over my mouth to quiet my cries so I can hear what she says.

"What just happened in here?" Alicia asks Danny. I can hear a sharpness in her voice. Like a teacher scolding a student for cheating.

"We had sex," Danny replies with a slight quiver.

"Did she say she wanted to have sex?" She quickly asserts.

"No," he says quietly.

"You need to get out of my house right now. Right now! Get your shit and get out. You can walk for all I care. GET OUT!" She screams at him. Then, she immediately comes back by my side. I turn to the toilet and begin to throw up for the second time that night. She holds my hair and tells me everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright? What was alright about what just happened? But she continues to say it, while stroking my head, everything is going to be alright. Could anything ever be alright again? This is not alright.

"I'll be right back," she tells me. She leaves the bathroom, I hear her footsteps pounding quickly down the hall. Then I hear her yelling down the stairs, "Get him out of here!" I feel thankful for her. Thankful that I don't have to see him again. Thankful that she kicked him out as rudely and abruptly as she did. Again, she is back by my side with a glass of water with her, forcing me to drink. But I can't keep it down, I keep puking it up. I can't stop throwing up. My stomach feels tight. My entire body feels as if every single muscle in my body is clenched.

"I need a second by myself," I tell her. I do. I need to be all by myself. I can't look at her anymore. I feel angry or upset or confused with her. I don't know what I feel. Why would she put me to bed with a boy when I was so drunk? Why would she think that was ok when she had to help me walk? I couldn't walk. But I can't be mad at her. I need to be mad at him. It's his fault this happened. It is all his fault. I hate him. I hate him with everything I have. I begin to gag again.

"Are you sure?" she questions me.

"Yes. Please," I reassure her.

"Ok, but I'll be back to check on you," she tells me as she wearily leaves the bathroom and closes the door behind her. I lock it. I don't want her to come back and check on me. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone. I lay down on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet, and telling myself I need to go to sleep.

Just go to sleep. It'll all be a dream in the morning. Just go to sleep. Go to sleep. This isn't happening. Go to sleep.

---

I must have fallen asleep because I am now waking up. I do not know how long I was out.

It wasn't a dream.

Shit, it wasn't a dream!

I was raped. This is rape right? Even if I was drunk. Even if I couldn't do anything, but say no. This was rape right?

I was raped.

It was not a dream.

I am trying to cry silently. I do not dare let out a sound, but I feel the tears falling down my face. I am still clinging to the toilet, a wet puddle lies between my face and the laminate. It's quiet all around me. It's quiet everywhere. It feels as if the outside world has stopped and I'm the only one left. I feel broken.

'He took something from me!' I want to scream to the world. He took the most sacred thing from me. He has stolen a piece of me. What do I do now?

Why did this happen to me?

I cannot even fathom my next step. What do I do next? I can't be in this bathroom anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel the walls closing in on me. Claustrophobia has set in in full affect. I rush out of the bathroom and then come to an abrupt halt. Where do I go? I can't drive yet. How far can I run for this to go away?

I make my way down the stairs. The same stairs Alicia had helped me up only a few hours ago. Everyone is sleeping. There's a serine peace through the the house, an ironic feeling because I feel anything but peaceful. Beer bottles, plastic cups, and empty liquor bottles are littered around the house.

Life went on around me.

How does life go on around me while I was stuck under another person, pleading for them to stop? How is everyone sleeping peacefully when I was stuck on a bathroom floor? How did the party continue on while I was being raped?

Why did this happen to me?

"Why me?" I question the world. Questioning God. Why would this happen to me? I'm a good person. I had a plan. This was not part of my plan.

I make my way to a rocking recliner and take a seat in it. I feel so alone. Why is this house so quiet! I bring my knees to my chin and grab my ankles and pull myself into fetal position. I begin rocking myself back and forth. Holding myself. Sobbing. All by myself. Rocking back and forth. Back and forth.

***Author's note***

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