I Said No

Chapter twenty one

'I miss you,' I text Kyle. 

'I miss you too,'  he writes back. 'Want to meet up?'

'Where?' I ask.

'Skinner's Butte Park in an hour?'

'See you there,' I succumbed. After everything. After all the hurt and pain that I've had in the last couple months, I needed him.

I need him.

I need the man I love. Not just some drinking friends. Not Anthony. Not my family. I need Kyle. I need to feel his arms wrapped around me. I need to hear him tell me everything is going to be alright. I need him to tell me he loves me.

I need him.

---

"Hey you," Kyle says as he opens my car door for me. "Ready for this walk?" There's that beautiful smile. God, I've missed him.

"Hey you," I reply.

We walk down a trail next to the river. I've never been on a river walk with a boy before—romantic. The river is high, rushing by. The sun is setting and no one else is around. Just us. He's charming and flirting.

"How've you been?" He asks me.

"I've been better," I say. I've been much better. "You? How's your daughter?" Right to the deep questions. I am terrible with small talk.

"She's great. She's beautiful. She is so smart..." He goes on and on about her. I asked, but I can't keep listening. I remember when he told me she was pregnant. He made it sound like it was a one night stand. That he didn't want to have a child. And now, he is raving on and on about her.

What is wrong with me? He's allowed to love his child. I'm just upset she's not mine. That we couldn't be together long enough for that to happen, even though we were supposed to be together forever.

"Yay, that's so awesome to hear," I say with a knot in my throat. It still stings. I try and swallow down my pain and not dwell. That's not what this walk is for.

He looks at me and bites his lip. He is so handsome. He's dressed casually. Sweats and a sweatshirt, but it's fitting for him. He's an athlete.

"I missed you," he tells me again, his strong arms pulling me in for a hug.

"I missed you too," I say softly, hugging him back. It's cold outside. Being in his arms is nice. I want to kiss him, but I can't. That's not what this is. I don't even know what this is. I nestle my face into his chest. I smell his scent and try to inhale as much as I can so I can keep a part of him forever. I don't want this hug to ever end, but it needs to. I can't get sucked back in. It's too hard every time. I can't handle being let down by him again. But maybe things have changed. Maybe he is single. Maybe he is ready to be with me now. Maybe he's ready to love me entirely.

I grab his hand. We lace our fingers together and start to walk again. The sound of the river is soothing. He swings our arms. I have dreamt of this for so long. Kyle and I, back together. But we're not back together. And I don't even know what we are doing. I look up at his face and he looks right back at me. I've missed that face so much.

"How's your girlfriend these days?" I ask him, looking away. I have to. I am not sure if he has one, but I need the reality check if he does. The reality check of what kind of man he is. I feel my heart starting to pound. If he has a girlfriend, I'm stupid for being here. If he doesn't have a girlfriend, I'm still stupid, but at least I'm not some side piece.

"She's good," he says. He seems unmoved by my question. Of course he's unmoved. He's the same old Kyle. Of course nothing has changed. I don't think he will ever change and I need to get that through my head. Kyle will never be the man I need him to be.

"That's good," I say back to him in a melancholy fashion. Why did I text him? Why am I even here?

I'm here because I needed the man I love to give me a reality check. Or maybe just a hug. Or this walk on the river.

"I missed you," I say again, "But I'm ready to go."

"Ok," he says gently. We stand there looking at each other. Still holding hands. Not talking. The only sound is that of the river crashing by. I wish I could just jump in that river and float away. Float to a new life. We start walking back to my car.

We stay holding hands after and I'm grateful for that. He keeps looking at me and I keep looking at him. I love his brown eyes. I love his hair. I love his smile. I love him, but I need to be done. "We're here," Kyle says as he opens my car door for me.

"Thank you for this Kyle, I really missed you."

"I missed you too," he says while he kisses me on the forehead. My entire body feels as if it has been electrocuted. The chills move from the back of my neck down to the tips of my toes and then a warmth still stays when he lifts his lips. I close the door to my car and start to drive away. I feel tears begin to well in my eyes. Why couldn't he just love me? Why was I never enough for him? I have given him chance after chance, opportunity after opportunity, and each and every time, he lets me down.

And still, I love him.

***Author's note***

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