I Said No

Chapter fourteen

I come up gasping for air, my arms rapidly trying to grasp the edges of the tub to help pull me up. That was too hard. I tried to stay under as long as I could, but there's not enough will power in the world to stay under a few mere inches of water. A bathtub is not the way to die. It's too shallow. I look around at my bathroom, there is now a thin layer of water filling the room. I go back to simply having my nose above the water. This was better. This was more numbing. This way when I look up, through the water, everything is a blur. The way I feel, life, everything—a blur.

Kyle has a baby now. I remember when he told me she was pregnant. We were having sex in a back room at a party at a mutual friend's house. I was pestering him about what was going on in his life because we hadn't spoken lately. After much enticing, he told me she was pregnant. He told me that she was just a random hookup but she was keeping the baby. He even seemed disgruntled that she was keeping it. He told me this story about how he felt that she had purposefully gotten pregnant. I later found out that he had previously lost his virginity to the same girl back in 8th grade and there was nothing random about her. That hurt even worse than her being a random hookup. This wasn't a drunk accident, this was someone he had a previous relationship with. I was lied to again.

I will never forget when I found out she was born. I was in Washington, visiting my family and he called me. I've been his person for so long now, that he called me. He called me with excitement that his baby had been born. His daughter had been born. I acted so delighted for him, told him I was proud of him for sticking around for this baby. I told him I loved him at the end of the call and he said it right back to me, 'I love you too.' Then he got off the phone because he had other people to call and tell the good news to.

How can I still love him? After all he's done to me and I still love him? This isn't what love is supposed to be. In Corinthians it says love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." This isn't love. He doesn't love me. He didn't love me.

This isn't love.

I collapsed to the ground. I couldn't breathe. The person I had wanted to marry just had a baby with someone else. I hadn't even had sex with anyone else. I was still so devoted to him. Through all the different girlfriends, all the different lies that he had been caught in, I had always made myself available to him. For anything. A ride when he was stuck, a friend when he needed an ear, a woman when he needed love. I was always there. In that moment, I couldn't breathe.

My sister, again, was the one who held me while I was suffering by another action of Kyle's. She held me, her skinny long arms wrapped all the way around my torso, rocking me back and forth, pulling my hair out of my face and stroking my head. I remember her worried brown eyes, looking at me questioningly, but her lips never asking a single question of what her eyes wanted to know. Even though I was sobbing, at times her own thick brown curly hair in my mouth, she didn't say a thing.

I will be forever grateful to her for not asking anything. At the moment, I just needed to be held and loved. I didn't need to explain myself. I didn't want to talk about this. He wasn't with her, but he had a baby with her! I was utterly disappointed. The entire portrait of my life I had painted was shattering in front of me. I just needed to be held.

He sent me pictures of her. One of the baby girl and one of him holding her, looking down at her smiling from ear to ear, like nothing else mattered. It was a beautiful picture. Which stung even more. Such contentment and it wasn't even my baby.

That was over a year ago now.

Kyle has a baby.

What should I do next? Is it time to move on? I can't picture moving on, I can't picture leaving this tub. Maybe none of it matters. Everyone else is happy. Who cares about me and my happiness?

Does anyone care?

I don't think I'll ever truly understand him. I wish we could go get coffee, talk it all through, we could each get some closure and be done forever. Or maybe not done, maybe he would finally realize he was finished with the games and he was ready to commit, fully commit. Probably not though, I need to get that thought out of my head. I don't want to keep feeling disappointed with him for the rest of my life.

I wish he was here now, holding me, telling me he loved me and that everything was going to be ok and that he was here—he was here for me.

The bath water is starting to get cold. I should probably get out. My entire body is wilting. My fingertips have deep ridges in them. I feel my teeth chattering. I hadn't noticed them before.

I turn the faucet back on and run my fingers through the water, watching it slide between my fingers. I make my two hands into a cup and take a drink of the cool water. It tastes much better than I was anticipating. It tastes incredible, the best thing I've ever tasted. I drink more. I'm so thirsty. I don't think I've had anything to drink in days. I gulp faster, with larger swallows.

I start coughing. I have been drinking too quickly, I think I have dehydrated myself. But I feel like I need more. I try to drink again, but slowly this time, slowly. I put my lips up to the spout that my hands have created and let it trickle down my throat. I swallow and feel it go all the way down through my esophagus. I feel the cold water making its way down my chest. I drink again in the same manner.

I pull the plug to the bathtub to release the water while I lay back down. I do not get out. I let it drain all the way empty while I lay there. I stare up at the ceiling. And again, I feel the tears coming. When will this end? When will this emptiness yield? I begin to feel cold. I roll to my side and wrap my arms around my legs once again. Back into fetal position.

Why did this happen to me?

***Author's note***

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