Pieces

Chapter 10: Rebecca Rae

Rebecca's POV

This was the first quiet Sunday I've had in a long time. I padded around the condo, with Raymond, my pug, following close at my heels. I adopted him six months after Hannah left and he was the second best decision I ever made. (The first being Hannah, of course) He saved me.

For some reason, she weighed heavily on my mind today and I couldn't seem to shake her. I missed her, but that isn't unusual, I miss her every day.

I walked to the bedroom and fell back on to the bed we used to share and turned my head to the picture I put back up on the wall. It was us, when we were teenagers and one of my bandmates caught us in the middle of laughing together on an old couch in his flat. Hannah was holding a guitar and I was leaned into her. That was a time when we barely had enough to get by, but we were happier than we'd ever been.

I curled up on the bed and pulled my phone out, whilst Raymond jumped up and laid his head on my ankles, then found one of the many videos I had of Hannah. I chose one of my favourites. She was sitting on the bed I'm laying in now, but there were papers everywhere. She was strumming the guitar and would stop to write on a piece of paper now and then. When she caught me filming her, she begged me to stop, saying she looked horrible. That wasn't true, this was when she was the most beautiful: No makeup, disheveled hair, wearing sweats and one of my old t-shirts. I could have taken her right then and there if it weren't for the fact that she was in "the zone" as she liked to call it.

I watched that video, then another I had of her twirling on the beach that was outside our condo. She seemed so free then, nothing like the broken girl that sat on our couch and told me goodbye.

That was the worst day of my life. The image of her driving away is burned in my mind and it haunts me. All the life I had was drained in that moment and I fell to my knees when I couldn't see her car anymore. It took three people and the security guard to get me on my feet again and back to my condo. Somewhere, there are horrible pictures of it, that the paparazzi managed to snap of that painful time.

It was a huge thing in the media and I was supposed to come up with some explanation, per my manager, but I just couldn't speak on it; so I remained silent about the whole ordeal. There were a million different theories, some saying I was on drugs, others saying my boyfriend and I were having problems, but the most accurate, were the theories that it had something to do with "L". I kept stchum and dodged all questions about it in later interviews. I couldn't lie, nor could I even talk about it, without breaking down.

I think about that day a lot. I dream about going back in time and begging her to stay. I should have stopped her. I could have fixed everything and would have given it all up, if it meant she would still be mine. She wouldn't have let me though. She wanted this for me and did everything she could to make sure I stayed on the path of following my dreams.

I twisted the ring that hung around my neck. She was my dream. I know that now. I wanted to give her everything. I took my necklace off and slid the ring on my finger. If only we could have gone through with it, she would be my wife and I would be hers; like it was meant to be.

I turned to lay on my back and let the tears slide down my temples. This is my fault, I'm in pain because I became selfish. I failed to put her first. I forgot about her in my pursuit and I lost her for it. She deserved better. She deserves better and even though it kills me to think about it, I hope she found someone that gave her the life I couldn't.

After that day, I lost it. I broke up with my fake boyfriend and went through a downward spiral. He was also gay and we have kept each other's secret to this day. We didn't even tell our partners and it was the only secret I ever kept from Hannah. 

He understood and tried his best to get me through my heartbreak, but I shut him and everyone else out. It almost cost me my career as the world watched me fall apart. I refused any interviews and canceled all engagements planned for me. I fell into a bottle and didn't climb back out until Raymond came into my life. It took about six months to pull myself up and realize that I couldn't throw away my career. I lost Hannah over it and I couldn't let that loss be in vain.

I came back bigger than ever and my absence seemed to make my fans hungrier for new material and appearances. So, I did just that. I got into the recording studio and poured my heart into the music. I collaborated with different artists in both writing and performing, took on more interviews and put out, in my opinion, my best album yet. I went on a world tour that lasted a full year. I hit the ground running and have been doing that ever since.

Then, there are days like today, when I have some down time and Hannah seeps back into my mind. These are the hardest days and if I didn't have Raymond, I don't know how I would get through them.

I laid there and wondered what she was doing; if she missed me, if she thought about me, if she had a girlfriend, if she still loved me. I wish I could hear her voice, just one word from her mouth would suffice, but she disappeared. I tried calling her mobile, but she changed her number and I figured she would go back to England, but her mum said she only visits sometimes and won't tell me where she moved. I know Ashley still speaks to her, but she also won't tell me where she is, only that she's doing fine.

I made an attempt at moving on a year and a half ago with one of the artists I collaborated with, but she could see through me. She didn't like being a secret either and more than that, she didn't like being second choice. She left me about four months into the relationship and I haven't heard from her since.

I started dedicating songs to "L" again around a year ago, which caused an uproar with my fans. I stopped when I started dating fake boyfriend, so the world wouldn't get suspicious. I had it in my head that she would see at least one show and come back to the condo I never left, (just in case she decided to come home) or call the number I never changed, (just in case she decided to call) but nothing.

Raymond moved up and settled in the crook of my arm and put his head on my shoulder. He always seemed to know when I needed a cuddle. I kissed his forehead and he tried to lick my face when I did, making me laugh. He is the light in my life.

I scratched his head and thought about buttering up Ashley, to get more information about Hannah out of her. I don't know if it will work, Ashley is fiercely loyal to Hannah and getting information out of her is next to impossible, but it's worth a shot, right?

I fell asleep that night with images of my Laine floating through my mind and wishing she were here.