When There Was Me And You | Part 1

i've moved on

01/07/2017

I've​ ​moved​ ​on​ ​from​ ​him​ ​but​ ​no​ ​one​ ​said​ ​i'm​ ​over​ ​him.​ ​I​ ​never​ ​said​ ​i'm​ ​over​ ​him.​ ​I​ ​moved​ ​on​ ​but​ ​i​ ​was​ ​never over​ ​him.​ ​I'm​ ​going​ ​back​ ​there​ ​again​ ​and​ ​i​ ​can't​ ​do​ ​that​ ​again,​ ​I'm​ ​over​ ​him​ ​i've​ ​moved​ ​on​ ​but​ ​i​ ​still​ ​look​ ​for traces​ ​of​ ​him​ ​in​ ​everyone​ ​else.​ ​i'm​ ​over​ ​everything​ ​he​ ​put​ ​me​ ​through​ ​but​ ​i'll​ ​still​ ​hope​ ​to​ ​God​ ​he's​ ​happy​ ​and content​ ​with​ ​what​ ​he​ ​has​ ​and​ ​what​ ​he​ ​doesn't.​ ​I've​ ​accepted​ ​that​ ​he​ ​didn't​ ​deserve​ ​everything​ ​i​ ​sacrificed​ ​for the​ ​guy​ ​and​ ​that​ ​i​ ​shouldn't​ ​do​ ​it​ ​again​ ​but​ ​i'm​ ​still​ ​his​ ​well-wisher.​ ​I​ ​can't​ ​pray​ ​to​ ​God​ ​that​ ​he​ ​goes​ ​through everything​ ​he​ ​put​ ​me​ ​through​ ​because​ ​i​ ​don't​ ​have​ ​it​ ​in​ ​me​ ​and​ ​i​ ​know​ ​that​ ​if​ ​tomorrow​ ​he​ ​comes​ ​telling​ ​me he's​ ​sorry​ ​and​ ​actually​ ​being​ ​honest​ ​about​ ​what​ ​he​ ​feels​ ​for​ ​me​ ​or​ ​FELT​ ​when​ ​he​ ​gave​ ​me​ ​mixed​ ​signals,​ ​it won't​ ​take​ ​me​ ​long​ ​at​ ​all.​ ​It​ ​won't​ ​take​ ​me​ ​long​ ​to​ ​accept​ ​him​ ​back​ ​as​ ​long​ ​as​ ​he​ ​realises​ ​where​ ​he​ ​went​ ​wrong because​ ​he's​ ​someone​ ​i​ ​can​ ​move​ ​on​ ​from​ ​but​ ​i​ ​can't​ ​ever​ ​get​ ​over​ ​from.​ ​He's​ ​got​ ​that​ ​teeny​ ​bit​ ​of​ ​my​ ​heart and​ ​he​ ​freaking​ ​owns​ ​whether​ ​i​ ​like​ ​it​ ​or​ ​not​ ​and​ ​whether​ ​he​ ​likes​ ​it​ ​or​ ​not.​ ​​ ​And​​ ​​I​​ ​​miss​​ ​​him.​ ​I​ ​shouldn't​ ​but​ ​i​ ​do​ ​and​​ ​​i​​ ​​don't​​ ​​know​​ ​​what​​ ​​ ​i'm​ ​supposed​ ​to​ ​do,​ ​​he's​​ ​​not​​ ​​getting​​ ​​out​​ ​​of​​ ​​my​​ ​​head​​ ​​and​​ ​​that's​​ ​​a​​ ​​big​​ ​​massive​ ​freaking​ ​problem​​ ​​because​​ ​​he's​​ ​​not​​ ​​even​​ ​​meant​​ ​​to​​ ​​be​​ ​​there​​ ​​yet​​ ​​he​​ ​​invades​​ ​​my​​ ​​mind​​ ​​like​​ ​​he's​​ ​​the​​ ​​only​​ ​​one​ ​who​​ ​​can​​ ​​be​ ​there,​​ ​​he​​ ​​invades​ ​​my​​ ​​heart​​ ​​like​​ ​​he​​ ​​freaking​​ ​​own​'s​ ​​it​​ ​​and​​ ​​like​​ ​​he's​​ ​​not​​ ​​planning​​ ​​on​​ ​​returning​ ​it...he​​ ​​makes​​ ​​me​​ ​​feel so​ ​much​ ​all​ ​at​ ​once​ ​i'm​​ ​​not​​ ​​even​​ ​​lying,​​ ​​the​​ ​​thought​​ ​​of​​ ​​him​​ ​​just​​ ​​reminds​​ ​​me​​ ​​of​​ ​​the​​ ​​good​​ ​​old​ ​days​​ ​​and​​ ​​although​ ​they​​ ​​bring​​ ​​back​​ ​​treasured​​ ​​memories;​​ ​​i​​ ​​don't​​ ​​want​​ ​​to​​ ​​remember​​ ​​how​​ ​​he​​ ​​broke​​ ​​me​ ​repeatedly​​ ​​and​​ ​​although​​ ​​every​ ​time​​ ​​i​​ ​​look​​ ​​at​​ ​​hi​m​ ​​i​​ ​​feel​​ ​​some​​ ​​kind​​ ​​of​​ ​​peace​​ ​​inside​​ ​​of​​ ​​me​​ ​​and​​ ​​then​ ​a​ ​feeling​ ​of​ ​happiness,​ ​regardless​ ​of​ ​what​ ​he did​ ​and​ ​didn't​ ​do​ ​i​​ ​​know​​ ​​i​ ​won't​​ ​​hesitate​​ ​​to​​ ​​fall​​ ​​for​​ ​​him​​ ​​like​ ​before​ ​but​​ ​​i​​ ​​don't​​ ​​want​​ ​​to​​ ​​go​​ ​​through​​ ​​what​​ ​​he​​ ​​put​​ ​​me​ ​through​​ ​​again​ ​because​​ ​​i​​ ​know​ ​i​ ​​don't​​ ​​deserve​​ ​​it.​ ​And​ ​although​ ​i​ ​can​ ​trust​ ​a​ ​lot​ ​of​ ​people,​ ​even​ ​still​ ​him;​ ​i​ ​can't trust​ ​myself​ ​with​ ​him,​ ​because​ ​whatever​ ​i​ ​say,​ ​i​ ​know​ ​i​ ​WOULD​ ​go​ ​through​ ​everything​ ​i​ ​went​ ​through​ ​with​ ​him one​ ​more​ ​time​ ​just​ ​so​ ​i​ ​can​ ​feel​ ​the​ ​way​ ​he​ ​made​ ​me​ ​feel.​ ​Just​ ​so​ ​i​ ​can​ ​feel​ ​as​ ​though​ ​i'm​ ​someone's everything​ ​in​ ​the​ ​way​ ​he​ ​would​ ​look​ ​at​ ​me.​ ​Just​ ​so​ ​i​ ​could​ ​feel​ ​the​ ​emotions​ ​he​ ​was​ ​hiding​ ​in​ ​his​ ​eyes;​ ​the intensity​ ​of​ ​everything​ ​balled​ ​up​ ​inside​ ​of​ ​his​ ​every​ ​gaze.​ ​Just​ ​so​ ​i​ ​could​ ​feel​ ​things​ ​only​ ​he​ ​ever​ ​could​ ​make me​ ​feel.​ ​Just​ ​so​ ​i​ ​could​ ​feel​ ​emotions​ ​only​ ​the​ ​image​ ​of​ ​him​ ​awoke,​ ​just​ ​so​ ​i​ ​could​ ​see​ ​myself​ ​with​ ​him​ ​in​ ​a future​ ​we​ ​called​ ​Ours.​ ​I've​ ​moved​ ​on​ ​from​ ​him​ ​but​ ​i​ ​still​ ​cry​ ​on​ ​odd​ ​nights​ ​thinking​ ​if​ ​i'll​ ​still​ ​remember​ ​him​ ​in​ ​a few​ ​years​ ​time.​ ​I​ ​still​ ​stare​ ​at​ ​the​ ​ceiling​ ​whilst​ ​falling​ ​asleep​ ​trying​ ​to​ ​figure​ ​out​ ​God's​ ​plan,​ ​thinking​ ​whether​ ​i'll be​ ​with​ ​him​ ​while​ ​i'm​ ​planning​ ​my​ ​whole​ ​life​ ​and​ ​whether​ ​he'll​ ​be​ ​there​ ​to​ ​plan​ ​his​ ​with​ ​me.​ ​I​ ​still​ ​stay​ ​up​ ​late thinking​ ​about​ ​Us​ ​again,​ ​remembering​ ​everything​ ​we​ ​ever​ ​had​ ​and​ ​what​ ​we​ ​could've​ ​had​ ​regardless​ ​if​ ​it​ ​wasn't really​ ​much​ ​but​ ​to​ ​me​ ​it​ ​was​ ​more​ ​than​ ​i​ ​ever​ ​bargained​ ​for.​ ​I​ ​still​ ​wonder​ ​how​ ​things​ ​could've​ ​been​ ​different​ ​if we​ ​changed​ ​a​ ​few​ ​things​ ​we​ ​did,​ ​but​ ​then​ ​our​ ​story​ ​wouldn't​ ​be​ ​the​ ​way​ ​it​ ​is​ ​either​ ​would​ ​it? He​ ​came​ ​with​ ​so​ ​much​ ​of​ ​everything​ ​i'd​ ​never​ ​gone​ ​through​ ​before​ ​him​ ​but​ ​I'm​ ​thankful​ ​for​ ​everything​ ​i​ ​got​ ​by being​ ​in​ ​love​ ​with​ ​him.​ ​I​ ​mean​ ​although​ ​i​ ​admit​ ​he​ ​did​ ​me​ ​wrong​ ​by​ ​what​ ​he​ ​didn't​ ​say​ ​and​ ​what​ ​he​ ​didn't​ ​do,​ ​i'm happy​ ​with​ ​the​ ​outcomes​ ​i​ ​got.​ ​And​ ​although​ ​i​ ​would've​ ​been​ ​even​ ​more​ ​glad​ ​if​ ​me​ ​and​ ​him​ ​did​ ​end​ ​up​ ​together; we​ ​didn't​ ​and​ ​i'm​ ​grateful​ ​that​ ​at​ ​least​ ​after​ ​the​ ​heartbreak​ ​of​ ​him​ ​i​ ​could​ ​still​ ​get​ ​back​ ​up​ ​again.​ ​At​ ​least​ ​i​ ​could stand​ ​up​ ​on​ ​my​ ​own​ ​two​ ​feet,​ ​make​ ​my​ ​own​ ​decisions​ ​whether​ ​they're​ ​stupid​ ​or​ ​not​ ​but​ ​at​ ​least​ ​he​ ​showed​ ​me how​ ​to​ ​survive​ ​a​ ​battle​ ​i​ ​was​ ​having​ ​within​ ​myself​ ​and​ ​with​ ​everyone​ ​around​ ​me.​ ​​ ​And​ ​whether​ ​i​ ​like​ ​it​ ​or​ ​not​ ​at least​ ​i​ ​can​ ​still​ ​continue​ ​to​ ​live​ ​without​ ​him​ ​as​ ​my​ ​lifeline.​ ​He​ ​was​ ​the​ ​anchor​ ​to​ ​my​ ​sea​ ​but​ ​now​ ​i​ ​don't​ ​need​ ​to depend​ ​on​ ​another​ ​person​ ​because​ ​i've​ ​learnt​ ​we're​ ​all​ ​our​ ​own​ ​saviours...​ ​we​ ​all​ ​have​ ​to​ ​swim​ ​and​ ​save ourselves​ ​while​ ​we​ ​drown​ ​because​ ​no​ ​one's​ ​going​ ​to​ ​be​ ​there​ ​for​ ​us​ ​and​ ​the​ ​only​ ​thing​ ​that's​ ​going​ ​to​ ​help​ ​us​ ​is our​ ​belief​ ​in​ ​what​ ​God​ ​does​ ​and​ ​that​ ​he​ ​does​ ​it​ ​for​ ​our​ ​best.​ ​People​ ​either​ ​come​ ​in​ ​your​ ​life​ ​as​ ​a​ ​lesson​ ​or​ ​a blessing;​ ​i​ ​guess​ ​he​ ​was​ ​both​ ​but​ ​If​ ​we​ ​lose​ ​faith;​ ​we​ ​slowly​ ​lose​ ​everything​ ​and​ ​then​ ​it's​ ​just​ ​a​ ​matter​ ​of​ ​finding yourself​ ​again.