When There Was Me And You | Part 1

fell (in love/in despair) again

late October 2017

I think it's almost 7pm

and i'm sitting on the bathroom floor:

my cheeks soaked, my eyes a bloodshot red

my feet frozen and my head heavy.

6:46pm

I'm sobbing

like something terrible just happened and 

I never stopped it;

a catastrophe 

like feelings are a lie but we drown in them anyway.

I'm mad

so mad I want to hit you continuously,

so mad I want to fall and do nothing but cry

and cry and cry.

7:05pm

I don't even feel upset anymore

I don't feel anything but cold.

I can feel my nose running reminding me

my body still works even if nothing else does

only a while ago I couldn't sit still and probably looked like a madman

crying like there was no tomorrow.

I don't know what time it is anymore,

but i'm sitting on the bathroom floor

with my eyes wet but i'm not crying now, 

i'm just frowning

at what, I don't know.

A few minutes ago I hated myself

and I hated you

because I kept on falling for you 

overthinking everything you did

I told myself 

it was okay that i thought about you

more than necessary 

when I should've put up my walls against you

and not let you in.

It's not your fault but I do hate you.

Even though I don't think my opinions of you even matter,

I don't even know if I even matter

but you didn't stop me from falling for you

and that's what you did wrong.

You acted like you had something for me

and then allowed me to live in the thought too.

You didn't say anything;

nothing at all and then when you did

it wasn't a sweet lie but it wasn't the bitter truth either.

your words just hurt.

They differed from what you did 

and I hate you so much for it.

And I hate myself because I'm still 

writing to you

when I shouldn't and it's not your fault

but I don't think you're the best thing

that's ever happened to me anymore...

7:52pm:

I think you're the most successful experience

of being in love with someone and thinking they did too.

******************

this was the 2nd time I put down my walls with my first love. I thought I could handle it because I was 'moving on' but clearly my heart was still weak then and I shouldn't have let myself think it was safe to put down my walls that were keeping him out. This is what happens when you think you can easily move on and they can't affect you anymore, because for a short while it felt like you were actually moving on. Those moments are temporary, fresh from heartbreak where you may feel the most motivated to forget him and move on. It will always come back and haunt you if you don't use the time that was supposed to heal you to actually stay focused on yourself and keep yourself away from people and things that hurt you because being away is better for your wellbeing.