Afraid | Nikki Sixx

54.

Carly's POV

It's now December 23rd. The day before Christmas Eve and I'm the least festive I've ever felt in my life. I'm still at Nikki's house, I haven't found a place to live yet and Vince had given me a heads up that Nikki is coming back today.

I sighed and sat down on the couch, waiting for Nikki to walk in that door. I was dreading it but, I was also kind of happy to see him again. I haven't seen him in almost 2 months. It's the longest we've been physically away from each other in the almost two years we were together.

Night soon came and Nikki still wasn't here yet. I then heard a knocking on the door. I furrowed my eyebrows and walked over to it. Who could be here at this hour? "Carly, it's Nikki. Vince told me you're still here. Just open the door, I don't feel like trying to find my key." I heard on the other side of the door. I dry swallowed and unlocked the door. I opened it and looked up at him. I made an audible gasp. He is almost nothing. He's so skinny, he's probably lost all together 20lbs. His clothes hang off of him, he looks like he died and came back to life. "Oh my god, Nikki." I whispered.

He walked in and put his things down. "Nikki, have you looked at yourself?" I asked. He nodded. "Yeah, I know what I look like," he said, no emotions in his voice. "I'm going to take a shower and get ready to head out," he said and started to walk away. I shut the door and quickly walked after him. "I'm worried about you," I said. He didn't reply right away. "Don't be in a rush to leave." He said, quietly. "W-What?" I asked. "Don't leave me." He whispered. I looked up at him again, his whole face had a look of sadness on it. "I know how I've been, just, don't leave." He said, looking at me. I put my hand on his shoulder, I felt tears come to my eyes when I finally touched him again.

"Okay." I said, simply. He turned and leaned down. His lips pressed against mine and he kissed me quickly. Then, turned around and walked into the bathroom. I quickly wiped the tears that spilled down my cheeks. I breathed out and walked back over and sat on the couch and slipped my hands in my pockets of my hoodie I was wearing. That was the first time we kissed in months. It felt amazing, even if it was a quick kiss. I felt something in my pocket and I furrowed my eyebrows. I grabbed whatever it was and pulled it out, I looked down and it was the ring that Nikki gave me last Christmas. I smiled, I missed this ring.

I slipped it back on my finger and I turned on the TV. Nikki came back out, hair still wet and no shirt on. I turned the TV down and stood up. I walked over to him. "Nikki, I'm sorry for the things I said last time we saw each other. Especially calling you Frank, that wasn't okay for me to do." I said, looking up at him. "I'm sorry for hurting you, I can't believe I did that, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, I've felt guilty ever since." He said. "It's okay, really. I know you didn't mean to," I replied. "You forgive me way too easily," he said, chuckling a little, "I don't know why you're still with me." He said. "I love you." I replied. "Let's just pretend that breakup never happened, okay?" I asked. He nodded. "Okay," he said, smiling a little.  "I'm going to get dressed and head out. Wait up for me, I won't be late." He said. I nodded.

A few hours had passed, still no sign of Nikki. It's getting a lot later. I don't know what's keeping him. It's still not too late, so I'm not worried. I'm hoping we can go to bed together, I haven't fallen asleep in his arms in so long. Maybe when he wakes up tomorrow, I can talk to him about getting clean again, but this time staying clean.

A few more hours had passed and now I am getting worried, he's still not here. He said he wouldn't be late and now it's insanely late. I heard the phone ring and I furrowed my eyebrows. I walked over and picked it up. "Hello?" I asked. "Hey, Carly.." Vince said. "Hey, is Nikki with you? He asked me to wait up for him and now it's really late," I explained. "Are you sitting down right now?" He asked. "What?" I laughed a little. "Carly, I'm being serious right now." He said. I furrowed my eyebrows. "No, I'm not." "Sit down," he said and I just decided to sit on the floor in front of the phone. "Okay.." I said, confused. "Carly, Nikki died of a heroin overdose, I'm so sorry." He said.

"What do you mean? I was just talking to him before he went out." I said. "Carly, Nikki's gone." He said. I went silent. I furrowed my eyebrows. Gone? Died? He can't be, I was just talking to him before he went out. "Vince, this is a really bad joke." I said. "I'm not joking," he said. "I'm so sorry, Carly." He said. "I gotta go." I said. "Carly–" I hung up the phone and stood up. I looked around. I looked at some of the pictures of us on the wall.

I walked over and turned on the TV, as soon as it clicked on. The TV screen read, "Nikki Sixx: dead at 29." I blinked a few times and then my whole body started to shake. I turned the TV off and I looked around the house again. I started to breathe heavily, tears streaming down my face. I held onto my chest as it started to tighten, I started to audibly cry. I tried to walk to our bedroom but, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor. I covered my mouth and cried the hardest I had ever cried before in my life, my head started to pound and my eyes were starting to get raw but, I couldn't stop.

My whole world is shattering down around me. Nikki's gone. He's fucking gone. If only I had just stopped him from going, he'd still be alive. I covered my face with my hands as I sobbed violently, my whole body shuddering and my voice growing hoarse from my sobs. I curled up into a ball on the ground and played with the ring on my finger, the tears never stopped flowing down my face.

I can't believe the love of my life is gone. My mind is just flashing through all the memories we had together and how now they're all I have because he's gone. All I have are pictures and memories. I'll never hear his voice again, I'll never see his smile again, I'll never feel his arms wrapped around me again, I'll never be with him again.

(a/n: thank you so much for reading, i hope you enjoyed! please vote, it's greatly appreciated. feedback is always welcome! okay bye👻)