From the Razor to the Rosary (Completed)

Chapter Ten - Boy Division.

  Time goes by pretty fast when you’re trying to hide from your life. I learn that quickly as minutes seem to blur into hours, and suddenly hours are blurring into days. Three weeks pass by my eyes without me watching them go. My life doesn’t really change much.

  I’m pretty sure I suffer from blackouts, because sometimes I’ll suddenly come out of a trance and the sky outside will be dark, whereas when I sat down, it was mid-afternoon. In school, Leah and her bitches get even worse, calling me names whenever I come into their line of sight, or they push me over whenever they get the chance, it becomes almost hellish at school, I suddenly can’t concentrate on work, my grades start to slip, people no longer talk to me at all, even teachers start to avoid asking me questions in class, their eyes sliding over my seat as if it were empty.

  Cutting becomes a natural thing. I come to rely on the pain of it, I carry a small blade in my backpack while at school, so if Leah gets to me like she always does, I can run to the toilets before class and relieve the pain of her words.

  Gerard avoids me in school, only popping up when I retreat to the library at break and lunch. But he walks me home and stays with me then. Sometimes, when I go into my odd trances, he sits with me the whole time and is there to smile at me when I come around again, the only time he leaves is when I cut myself, it’s like the idea creeps into my head, he disappears, and then I can cut in peace, he’ll only return when the blood has been cleared and the fake smile reconstructed on my face again.

  Three weeks pass like this, the time slipping away as if it’s a gentle autumn breeze. Katherine doesn’t call, Helena comes to apologise and tells me she’s here for me, even though the whole time I just nod and manage a weak smile when she’s finished, after that she only visits every few days, and then she only stays for half an hour at the most.

  I can feel myself slipping away, I don’t know how to hold on, I can feel everything consuming me and swallowing my mind, I wish I could get better, I really do, but I don’t deserve to get better, and I know that.

***

  I close my locker with a soft snap, slinging my backpack over my shoulder as I do. It’s the end of the school day, and already I can’t remember what lesson I had only a few hours before, I doubt by the time I get home I won’t remember the homework that was handed out in those classes, no doubt they won’t care when I’m unable to hand the work in tomorrow anyway.

  I’m just turning to walk down the corridor so I can go home when Gerard pops up next to me. He gives a grin, but it’s drawn and forced, I don’t really notice anyway, only note it offhandedly and carry on walking.

  “How was your day?” he asks, forcing cheerfulness.

  “You were with me the whole time” I reply dully, not really paying attention as I push through the school doors, I don’t bother holding it open for him, it swings closed, and I see him pause on the inside, he rolls his eyes, disappears for a few seconds and pops up next to me again, walking casually, a while ago that would have been awesome to me, but I can’t find the effort to be impressed right now.

  “You gonna bother doing the homework tonight?” Gerard asks then, turning to look at me and walking backwards, there’s no need for him to look where he’s going, he has no physical body that can be hurt or injured.

  “If I remember” I mutter, trying to keep my voice low as I hop down the stone steps outside of school. I get a weird look off a girl who heard my sentence, but then she glances away, and the memory slips from her face as a friend starts to speak to her in an excited voice.

  As I get to the bottom of the steps though, Gerard shouts out suddenly, making me jump and pitch forward automatically, but his warning came too late though, and something hits me from behind, hard. I sprawl to the floor, landing on my hands and knees heavily, I give a painful grunt, and roll so I’m sat on my behind rather than on resting on my hands and knees.