Blinded By Love | COMPLETED

Chapter | Justin

One week later...

Hands are traveling up and down my body. Soft touches, every inch of my body is being touched. No place is being left behind. My mind is as blank as a blank page of a new book. It feels my life is a new book, without a plot or idea. It doesn't matter how much I think, how much I try to write, it stays blank. My life feels blank, without her being here.

My hands move around, my body reacting to everything as it should. My life has been on autopilot ever since I left the town. Her, little town. And still, when I walk around here, it is almost like she is beside me. Every little thing reminds me of her. I have stopped going to the beach. Every time I see a rose, I look away before I start to cry.

Soft kisses are being placed. My neck is slowly being filled with small love bites and purple marks. The drink in my hand is being spilled all over the floor while I lean back. This girl must think I'm enjoying this. The only way I can tolerate this is because I'm filled until the edge with whatever I got served.

She would have killed me for this. She would give me a harsh talk, asking me to just please stay home. I can feel how my heart started to beat faster, but not because of this girl on my lap. The sudden craving for her came back up. The muffled music from the room beneath us reminds me of what happened, what I caused, and what I did.

All the emotions that I had pushed away, they all slowly rise to the surface. Before I can think about it I have already pushed the girl to the side. Drinks are being spilled, and I get some cuss words thrown at me. I look at her for a moment before I start running out of the room. I need to get away from here. I need fresh air. I push away the people in the hallway, on the stairs, everywhere.

Is this how she felt when she found out? Did she feel short of air? Did she feel like passing out, like every little bit of your body was being torn apart? The wound from leaving her is still so fresh, that every little thought about her rips it open again. It will burn and sting, it will make me fall to the floor and cry like I have never had before.

Downstairs is packed with people. They're dancing, close to each other, making sure no one can leave the house. I need to leave this house. If I don't, I will freak out. I start to push people away, pushing them to the side and apologizing to them all, while I push myself through the crowd. It felt like forever before I reached the front door. One more couple pushed away, a door being pulled open and I am outside.

The cold, fresh air hit me like a bullet and it pulled me back into reality. I almost had a panic attack. I almost had a fucking panic attack over her. It is like she creeps up on me on the worst times, whispering in my ear and going into my brain, tricking it into thinking back to her, to everything.

I haven't noticed how I have grabbed the edge of a chair that was outside, how I needed to hold myself up, taking deep breaths to make sure I wouldn't pass out. I have no idea how much time I spend outside, but it felt like hours. Going back inside wasn't an option for me, not after what happened. I needed to go home, have a good night's sleep, and start a new, fresh day. I started to think again.

How could I start a new day if you weren't by my side? You weren't there in the morning, to wake me up with your soft kisses and good mornings. You weren't there in the afternoon, to say hello and ask me how my day would've been at work. You weren't there in the night, to tell me to please not go out again, to not leave you behind like that ever again. But I would do it again, without thinking about the promises I made to you.

It was around 4 AM when I started on my journey home. I didn't want to call it home, because it didn't feel like home. Home was with you, a place where I can't be right now, a place I can never be again. I don't even know in which city I am. Definitely not New York or LA, even though those two places are so far away from each other. Just like us, Alyys, we are far away from each other too. I wish I wasn't, because it's cold here. It has been cold from the moment I left you.

All I can feel is a coldness running through my body, even when the sun hits my face. I know what can give me warmth. You. You are my sun. You are the biggest star in my universe, my life circles around you, I need you to ground me, to keep me on my feet, to keep living my life. Without you, it feels like I'm floating. I'm floating around, being pushed around by people without any effort.

On the good days, I will be floating right above the ground. I will be aware of the things next to me, the scents, and sounds outside of my apartment. I will remember the whole day, who I spoke with, and what I have done. I will feel good, maybe even happy, and I won't see you in my head. I won't feel you, hear you, I won't even think about you. On the good days, I will actually have fun with my new friends, I will laugh and forget about every sad part of my life.

On the bad days, I will be floating right up in the air, miles away from the ground. My day, my day will be a blur. My feelings will take over my body, I will walk around without seeing anything. I will stare at the roses at the store, only to be sent away by the manager because I'm scaring people. I will see you, feel you, hear you. I will remember everything, relive everything. It will bring me to my knees and it will make me cry for hours. I will feel like the space above me is pulling on my body, pulling me off the ground, into the sky, the clouds, the stars.

After a bad day, I would think back and ask myself if I did a lot of drugs. After a few times that it happened, I realized that it felt like, my body and mind split. It felt like my mind wanted to protect itself, protecting itself from all the pain, the feeling, everything. It didn't want me to relive it all again, multiple times a day, and I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for the things it's doing to me right now, and yet I keep filling it up to the top with poison. I tried to go sober, I really tried it. My friends helped me too, they kept me away from the parties, the alcohol, and drugs. But then you pop up in my head again.

I never realized life would be this hard. I have never looked at my life, thinking it would get this hard by just loving someone. I always saw love as something extra, something that just happens, something that would add something to life. I would have never thought it would be my whole life. It swallowed everything I had, it made it everything I ever had.

It was something I was horrible at, I was the most horrible person to fall in love with, Alyys. And yet you did. You fell for me, and I fell for you, only I realized it too late. I had always seen our love as something extra, as something to make you happy, to give your life a purpose. I would have never guessed that it would get to be everything for me.

Life is going to be hard. It is going to be so fucking hard without you here. I keep telling myself that it was for the better, leaving you behind. You were so fragile, so broken, and I was such an asshole.

I am sorry, Alyys. I'm sorry for all the hurt I gave you. I'm sorry for all the hurt that I put you through. I'm sorry for everything that I have ever done to you. For every lie, hurting sentence, leaving you behind, breaking promises, I am sorry for everything. If I could go back and do everything again, while knowing what would happen if I didn't change anything, I would change everything. I would change myself, for you.

I love you.
No matter what.
Until the day I die.