Blinded By Love | COMPLETED

Chapter 27

[ Justin ]

My body was aching for her touch. My body is, aching. Her hands gently holding my face, her eyes sparkling as I look back into them. Her mouth turning into a soft smile as I tell her how much I love her.

I love her. So much. I don't think she realizes how much she means to me. She is my world, and she has no idea how much it broke me when she walked into that bathroom. Funny things for me to say, I know. I'm the one who walked upstairs after that look from Maddie. I'm the one who kissed her, who placed her on the cabinet, who held her waist and pulled her against me.

It is no excuse, but my body was aching for a rush. For a touch. For a drink, for anything that I would get my hands on that night. But it isn't an excuse for what I did and caused.

The hands, who I wished held me like they always did in the morning, were holding onto me. Desperate, like a little child scared to lose their mother in the wide-open world. They are shaking, from all the crying, from the fact that she had let me know how broken she was.

The same warm hands that I held on to every time we were on the beach, are stone-cold and have turned white. The same face that usually has a little blush in it when we hold each other, looks like all the blood has been sucked out of it. The only thing that's left are a pair of sad, broken and tired eyes.

They always say that the eyes speak when you can't. I used to believe that it was complete bullshit. If you have something to say you just say it. But now that I look at her, I finally understand what they mean. It is like the spark in her eyes has left.

Once there was a whole galaxy inside, sparkling and if I was lucky I could see a falling star when she was genuinely happy. When I look now, all I can see is darkness. The sparkle has disappeared. It is almost like every star has exploded, leaving behind nothing but an empty dark place.

I want to talk. I want to talk to her so desperately. I want to tell her how I feel, how I have done nothing but staring at a wall, drinking and eventually breaking. How my wall is covered with holes and how my hands are bruised like they have never been before.

I want to tell her how my heart is aching for her, longing for her to calm me down and tell me how everything will be alright. That we will fix this, that she will fix me. I know she wants to fix me, so badly. But we both know I can't be fixed. I am damaged. Damaged people attach damaged people. That a dangerous thing, but we can't help it.

I need to get her off this floor. Somewhere save. A place where she can lay down and where we can just hold each other. But I don't want to make her upset again. I don't want her to break again, to feel how she just felt. I have never seen a person this broken and it is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen.

I look down at her and notice how her hair has fallen in front of her face, sticking against her wet cheeks. I manage to let go of her with one hand, and I gently brush the hairs to the side. Her eyes can only stare at the floor in front of us, not wanting to look at me. I guess it will remember her of everything, and I understand it.

We sit here, for maybe two hours before I finally feel her body calming down. The shivering has stopped and her hands are not shaking anymore. Her eyes have turned red from all the crying and her cheeks are still a bit wet, but it's alright. I'm not doing better, though.

Observing the girl I love, watching her break little by little while she is laying in my arms. My heart can't take it. I have to hold back my tears multiple times by now, my throat feeling like it is on fire because of all the holding back. I hate to be vulnerable, to show emotion and to tell people how I feel. It took us three weeks before I finally opened up to her, telling her a little about my family. But not too much. The stories I told Caleb are a secret. I don't want her to know about my parents.

I wait a little longer before I slowly stand up. She looks up at me, no eye contact, but I know she is confused. Her arms are almost reaching up to me, wanting me to hold her close again. Luckily for her, it was my plan to do that anyway. I pick her up, brides style of course. I can feel how her cold hands turn into fists again, pushing against my chest. She doesn't want me to hold her but deep down it is the only thing that she truly wants. To be held by the person she loves.

I push away the bags and slowly walk to the bedroom, taking my time on the stairs. It would be a disaster if I would fall down now, but we made it to the top without any injuries.
I push open the door to her, our, bedroom and gently lay her down on the bed. I close the window and make sure the curtains are closed so she could take some rest. It was the most important thing to do now for her, resting.

Her body, mind but more importantly, her heart, needs to heal from this. I can see how she has trouble keeping her eyes open when I softly sit down next to her. My emotions are coming back up again but this time I won't push them away. I let my fingers softly brush away her hair, out of her face. I softly play around with it, curling it around my finger.

This is the woman who finally made me feel loved. It is her, who made me feel important and known, making sure I knew that it was alright to not be perfect. We were both imperfect in so many ways. I guess I was more imperfect than her.

She was the one who believed in me after I dropped out, the person who helped me with job applications and learned me how to tie a tie. I still can't do it, but I always had her to do it for me. And everything we had is gone now. The love we feel for each other is too big. We can't handle each other. I know she won't take a step back from, us. So I must do it. For her.

Her breathing becomes softer and slower, insuring me she is asleep. Now that she can't see me anymore, my emotions start to finally take me over completely. Tears are streaming down my face in silence, my heart feeling broken and empty. I need to do this for her.

She deserves so much more than me. It took me too long to realize how incredibly bad I am. I'm toxic. She tried too hard. Every. Single. Day. I don't deserve the love she gives out to people. She is too good for this world. We both made mistakes, but her heart will always be pure. Mine, it's just pitch black. And no light or love can change that.

The lock of hair I gently held fell against her face. It is not the first time I notice how pretty she is. She is everything that every man wants. She is perfect. Too perfect, for me. It breaks my heart to leave her like this but I don't have a choice. With tears streaming down my face, I slowly lean in and press a soft kiss on her forehead. She would always smile brightly when I gave her soft kisses. She didn't tell me but I knew they were her favorite.

But I don't get a smile this time. My vision gets blurry from all the tears and I close my eyes for a moment, my head leaning against hers. My lips leave behind soft kisses, on her forehead and her little nose, her soft cheeks. It hurts too much to leave her like this, but I need to.

My heart starts to scream for her when my body slowly moves away from the bed. My mind is telling me it's the right thing to do. My heart is slowly dying as I leave the room. I close the door behind me and walk to the living room. It's too much. My body can't have it. I let myself fall down on the floor, just like she did. I bury my face in my hands and start to cry.

It is the first time in forever that I'm crying and it feels horrible. Everything in this house is reminding me of her. I can't stay here. I force myself to get up, get my bag and walk out of the door. Before I leave the room, I grab the spare key I got out of my pocket. I don't need this anymore. I leave it behind on the table and make my way outside.

It feels like the sky is crying with me, that's how hard it was raining when I stepped outside. To me, it didn't matter anymore. I don't mind the rain. At least nobody can see how much I'm crying while I walk back home.

I walk past every little place of ours. The beach, the restaurant beside it. The clubs we went to, the city. Everything reminds me of you. And it is killing me inside. I need to get out of this city.

Even though I hate that I'm doing this, I grab my phone and look at the earliest flight away from here. Tonight. There is one going tonight. I buy the ticket and the crying returns. I'm leaving everything behind. I can't stand staying here, knowing she is here too. It will break my heart to see her from my apartment. To see her happy with someone else.

She needs to forget me. Even though I will never forget her.