Change For Me

2. since when?!

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I stare at my phone and I begin refreshing my instagram page.

Since when does Jae like my posts? Like ever. I'm not that surprised as I only post twice a year, but still. He never interacts with my kind.

I guess things must've changed.

My kind being the innocent, shy girl next door. I don't smoke, drink, hook up with any guy, go to parties—do you want me to continue? I don't even know how to talk to a boy without having the guts to look them in the eyes. I have no idea when it comes to these things and I don't plan on experiencing them soon. I'm going into my senior year as a virgin. I'm not ashamed but it's high school—a place of manipulation.

There's nothing wrong with being innocent. You're probably tired of hearing it and guess what, I am too. I'm tired of people telling me to grow up and to get out of my comfort zone. I've tried many times before—trust me—and it has never worked. I've ultimately given up on the disappointment. I now believe that there's no point in changing.

"He only liked a post you decided to share on your account," I tell myself, trying to not over analyze it. Nevertheless, I do anyways for every little thing. "Of course he would like it, he follows you for a reason. It's a stupid like so don't think too much of it." I reason to myself again. A like that apparently changes everything.

~

"Are you excited for your senior year? Woot woot!" my aunt cheers as my parents laugh at her enthusiasm—definitely too much of it. I'm not even looking forward to my last year of high school to that extent. "For sure," I say sarcastically, in hopes to not ruin her mood.

"I can't believe you're turning 18 soon," my aunt squeezes my cheeks. "Remind me to bring you to a club for your birthday. There's only one person who can show you how to party hard and that's me."

I honestly don't want to object. As many times I tell myself I would never drink or smoke, I've always been curious. I'm too scared, in the first place, to near any sort of alcohol although it sounds fun.

"One morning, me and your mom woke up to look for our sister because she wasn't in her room. We eventually found her sleeping in the shoe closet." We burst out laughing at the memory. The story makes the idea of it sound fun.

~

"Bye guys! Drive safe."

"See you soon!"

"Good luck with school Ellie!"

I wave out of the car window, watching my cousin's house move further behind us. I settle into my seat, in a comfortable position, knowing the drive will be long. I put on my airpods and calmly listen to my playlist.

I watch the scenery quickly pass by our car, the sun setting against the pine trees and bushes haul me into my thoughts. I start to think about the year ahead of me.

I didn't have the best three years of high school.  I manage to attract drama left and right. It seems impossible for a girl like me to get involved. Nevertheless, the most innocent can be deceiving as people like me get used time to time. You can be the sweetest person in the world but it'll consume you without knowing. 

It's not my fault, I easily open up to others. It's a habit of mine to trust anyone so easily—no matter the consequences. I have so much faith towards a person and although it has its advantages, it is also my weakness.

Men are my weaknesses and I'm really hoping I can go through my final year with no interruptions. They're the ones who made my years in high school miserable and chaotic. That's why I'm promising to myself:

No boys

~~~~