Change For Me

37. selfish

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Out of all the memories I've made during our trip, I've never thought kissing the Jae Foster would add onto them.

I've always expected my first kiss to be breath taking and unforgettable, however this kiss goes beyond what I've imagined. I thought that I'd be awkward, but the way our lips move in sync, with him leading, made the kiss even better.

As his lips crash onto mine, I freeze on the spot. I take a quick second to process until easing myself into it. Once he realizes I've given in, I feel his smirk from the kiss. 

It starts off slow and passionate before becoming rough and eager. I don't expect this reaction from me, yet I surprise by wrapping my arms around his neck while one of his hands presses me closer.

I grab the ends of his hair, playing and tugging on it which earns a stifled groan from him. As we pull ourselves away from each other, our breaths catching for more air, I can't hold back the smile from the reaction I got from him.

"Such a tease" Jae shakes his head with a smug smile to his face.

"Wow," I sigh, resting my head on his chest which allows me to feel the rhythm of his chest from breathing.

"Okay everyone take your seats, we'll be handing the hot chocolate!" Mrs.Pearce snaps ours attention to them. We completely forgot about the group huddled around the fire. At least their backs are turned away from us and there are no onlookers our way that I'm aware of.

"Omg," I cover my mouth.

"What?" Jae laughs.

"We just did that...in front of..." I gulp and he laughs even louder, pulling me back to the benches.

"It's okay they didn't noticed." He shrugs.

"We were literally-" I stare back at the fire, reflecting on what happened a few moments ago.

"We were all the way at the back while they're focused on the fire in front of them. I promise they didn't see." Jae shrugs before kissing my temple.

"You bitch," Eva smirks while quickly taking her seat next to mine.

"You said no one saw." I slap Jae's arm.

"Ow," he complains. "I didn't feel anyone's eyes on us though."

"You didn't feel? Or you didn't see?!!" I say with irritation evident to my tone.

"Feel..." he sheepishly smiles.

"You're lucky I was distracting them." Eva whispers as she points at Conrad, Taron, and Roman. "You guys took your time."

"Omg," I frantically scan the area and everyone looks like they're enjoying themselves but I can't slip the thought of a few of them noticing. "Oh shit."

"Ellie it's ok, no one saw." Eva smiles at me as reassurance, then stops my leg from bouncing up and down.

"You don't understand. If you saw, that means at least one of them did." I mutter, looking around.

"Are they saying anything?" Eva raises a brow and I hesitantly shake my head. "There you go. Most of them probably gives zero fucks."

"See, they give zero fucks." Jae pitches in making me glare at him again.

"Stop doing that." Jae places his hand on my thigh, halting the bouncing motion I unconsciously started.

"My bad...I can't control it." I sink into my seat.

"The next time I kiss you, I'll remind myself to do it privately."

"The next time?!" I snap my head to him and he smirks.

"You don't want me to?" He leans closer.

"Uh...I-"

"Exactly," he swiftly places another kiss to my lips before grabbing my hand and putting it into his pocket. Something he likes to do.

I stare at him in shock before frantically looking around if somebody saw anything but people are too busy with their hot chocolates.

"Here you go kids." Mrs.Pearce smiles, handing the drinks on a tray.

"Thank you," I slip my hand out of Jae's pocket and take the warm drink in my hands.

~

The rest of the night goes by smoothly. After the kiss, I remained speechless to the point where I didn't know how to act around anyone.

When Taron or someone I knew would glance my way, I would scoot away from Jae so they wouldn't get the wrong expression. Although, he didn't like that which lead him to pulling me even closer to his side.

There were no doubts that everyone caught a glimpse of us snuggling close, holding hands, the subtle kisses from him, and the flirting.

It made me anxious of their opinions.

Me and Jae didn't talk for most of the night, we just stayed in each other's presence, not wanting to ruin the moment or at least that's what I was doing.

The whole entire time I was having disagreements with myself. I was thinking of the many possibilities from this thing me and Jae have going on and what will it lead to. I thought I was falling for Jae very slowly, trying to prevent it from ever happening, but it has definitely blown over proportion. I have a die heartedly crush on him again that I don't think won't be leaving anytime soon.

What's very contradicting though, is I really like Jae. Although I have my reasons that he may not feel the same way. I have high expectations of where this is going considering, he is my first kiss. I hope this thing carries on to something more but the more I dig deep into the thought, the more I realize it has no chance in happening.

That is why I've been acting selfish.

I didn't know until the night when Jae gave me the hickeys, that I genuinely allowed him to do it because I liked him doing it. Even though I tried to convince myself it was what I wanted, deep down I knew that I had to make as many memories that I could because one day this will all end.

His facade that he's been playing will conclude with him getting what he wants and with me getting heart broken.

I'm not stupid enough to notice what Jae has been planning and I'm terrified that I'll be blinded by his likeness. I somewhat know his reputation around the department of girls but yet again, I can't determine how he is around them if I haven't gotten the full understanding of it.

At this point I'm way too deep in quitting on him. Because what do people say? Don't judge a book by its cover. And I live by that.

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