Change For Me

7. ripped heart

~Freshman year~

"Ellie! I think Conrad likes you."

"Ellie, he's thinking of doing it."

"Ellie prepare yourself."

"Ellie", "Ellie", "Ellie", that's all I've been hearing since this morning. All of my friends are bugging me about Conrad. He is apparently going  to "ask me out" at the end of the school day—from what I've heard. He's been giving me signs for some time and when he does, I brush it off.

I have my reasons:

1) I hate the attention from random people in our school
2) I don't believe a boy like Conrad would actually ask me out.

I'm in denial, I know.

Unfortunately, I knew this day would come and it's about time it did. I may sound enthusiastic but in reality I'm impatient. We've liked each other for so long, since we were kids, so the question has yet to find its way out of our mouths.

We're the pair that everyone ships. Every single time when we have moments during class or breaks, our friends gawk at us like we're the next rom-com. It lead to others discovering more about our crush on one another and since then, they won't stop. In my perspective, I'm tired of the jokes and glances from my peers. It has always been like this, since elementary school—it's mentally draining.

During the week, people come up to me about the news—Conrad asking me out. The older grades approach me as well and tease Conrad and I. It doesn't help that his older brother attends our school as well so they're very known all over.

It's nice knowing Conrad likes me back but, I gradually got annoyed. I grew very uncomfortable at the constant teasing and glares from other girls. It also makes me awkward that the seniors know the pieces about my love life—more details than I know. And I don't want their dirty minds up in my business.

I really like to have a serious relationship with Conrad, because overall he's an amazing guy and someone I've liked since elementary school. I'm only hesitant to commit after all this time—commitment scares me.

In addition, my parents will kill me if they find out I have a boyfriend. I can keep a crush a secret but a boyfriend? I'll get kicked out my house real quick.

~

I have my last class with Conrad. As soon as the bell chimes, I quickly leave the art classroom. The halls fill up with students and I take that as an opportunity to blend in with the crowds. Im basically running away from my problems. I peek over my shoulder, hoping to lose him, but he was closing on to me—really close.

The first part of my day was spent listening to the rumors and dealing with the curious gossipers. The second part , I spent thinking of ways on how to avoid him. Unfortunately, the plan has came to a last minute decision of stalling. I'm crossing my fingers that he'll sleep on it.

I continue through the halls with Conrad determinedly following behind. Him being an athletes doesn't help my situation too. After swiftly dodging others, he still manages to keep up. We near the exit and I realize my escape is close—again so close like him. I motivate myself, "The door is right there Ellie—"

"Hey Ellie!" Conrad Moore is a determined man.

I stop in the middle of the hall when I hear the voice I eagerly want to ignore. I slowly turn my body, so I'm face to face with him. I awkwardly look past him, seeing a handful of people with their attention towards us. In the corner of my eyes, I notice Lisa, Sofie, and Claire looking concerned for me—I'm concerned for myself.

Many eyes are piercing through me. I start to hear my heartbeat loud and clear, beating wildly out of my chest. The tension closes onto me and, trust me, it isn't a pleasant feeling. I'm terrified of the attention, especially when I'm with Conrad. I'm scared of embarrassment, not being able to reach his expectations in a relationship—as a person. I'm absolutely stunned and confined in my thoughts.

I hear the whispers and laughs. I feel the glares and annoyance. They're all looking at me—every single soul.

"Here," I'm put back into reality. I shake away my mindset but I don't know how to do it properly; I don't know myself well enough in order to cope with my anxiety. I need to quickly make a decision—maybe going with the flow. I've made smart choices and I regret a few but, during those moments I had time to collect and process my thoughts.

Being in front of Conrad, gives me less time to think and more to react. My body has a mind of its own at this point. I can't think or see straight—everything is a blur.

Conrad hands me a blue heart that he made out of construction paper from art class. I look at it admiringly at his cute attempts of a gesture. He knows my favorite color is blue.

After a moment, I realize where I actually am and the amount people who are now watching. That's where something in me just snaps.

I take the heart and rip it in half.

Without noticing what my mind is telling me, I continue with the hard rejection. I crumple the broken heart and throw it in the garbage with no hesitation. I want to leave. I want to go home. I want to be alone. I leave him behind, not thinking twice of turning back.

~

The minute it reached the night and it was time to sleep, my thoughts fill up with events that occurred at school. I'm not sad, worried, proud, or happy. I genuinely feel guilty. I like him a lot, I really do, but it doesn't explain my heartbreaking actions. I should've accepted the heart and politely say "no" to him or anything else than what I did earlier. During that moment, pressure took the better of me and forced me to do what I did, which makes me guilty.

~a week later~

Ever since Conrad asked me out—when he tried to—I come to school appearing emotionless as I suffer internally. My friends try their best to reassure me. Thankfully they don't push the topic further than I intend it to be. For everyone else, they seem to have forgotten about the incident and, to my surprise, including Conrad.

I walk into school and immediately my gaze focuses on the floor. "Omg Ellie! You can't believe what fucking happened." My head snaps up to Sofie who frantically calls out for me.

"Conrad asked Jordan to be his girlfriend and she said yes. It was her screaming that caught everyone's attention, it was honestly annoying..."

Her words take a moment to process, and when they do, my heart breaks on the spot. I cared for his feelings, I felt bad for him, and I lived for days with the guilt. I've spent sleepless nights, thinking of ways on how to approach him and how to say "sorry". I've had days in class and at home, constantly overthinking and regretting the whole thing—pushing myself to forget. I've felt so sad, to a point where I drowned myself in the regret.

"Ellie?"

"Okay," I shrug my shoulders, walking to class. Sofie hesitates to say something because she examines my blank expression—she knows me too well. I don't give her time to as I'm already rushing away from her. At the same time I try to hold back the tears—the ones I didn't know I was holding in for him.

~~~~

I guess Ellie deserves that heart break *rolls eyes*. Do you think she does?

-$gb