golden longings

XVIII

***

"Because I don't understand why! I don't understand why you are nice to me, why you care what I think. No one else does."
Draco felt so scared. Finally, he could place some of his feelings. He was scared, so scared to believe Potter because it was too good to be true. The golden boy wanting to be his friend. In no world could that realistically be true.
Everyone else hated him, why couldn't Potter just go along? It would have made things just so much easier.

"Draco..."
Draco turned at the sound of his first name. Potter had rarely ever said it so it was the first time that Draco realized, just how beautiful his name sounded out of Potter's mouth.
"...I told you earlier that I regretted acting the way you expected me to. This is the same. You need to let go of your expectation to be hated by everyone."

"Did you just...you called me Draco"
Was all he stammered out.
"You were the one who started it!" Potter replied in a joking manner. And admittedly, Draco was amused.
"But I don't understand, why don't you hate me...Harry?"
He hesitated just a moment before the name came across his lips. Because this time, he had used it consciously. And just then Draco realized that he really liked saying that name. And the feeling it gave him.
The name felt warm and comfortable and so familiar. Almost as good as the feeling he had gotten when he had heard his own name from Potter's lips.

Draco's mind was crossed by the uncomfortable realization how intimate it felt to use first names.

He started to nervously pick at the fabric of his pants in order to avoid the thought. Maybe, he though, it will just go away. But they would probably have to stop using first names again for that to work. And Draco was not really willing to do so.

"Because you are your own person. Not just your parents views. There's a lot more to you."
Draco's nervous scratching intensified. He really had no idea how to react to this. How was he supposed to react? Should he say thank you? Should he pretend to not have head that? He silently wished there was something like an instruction book for things that weren't quite compliments but still nice.

"You think so?"
Just to be sure that Potter meant what he said there.
"You're a complex person, one whose company I value I've come to realize, so yes. I do."
Potters voice sounded so soft and warm, Draco could barley remember when he had felt as comforted by anything else.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to say..."

He stopped himself from elaborating before he embarrassed himself. It was enough to say that he didn't know how to react if he didn't want to tell Potter what kind of warm and fuzzy feeling he had caused in Draco.
"I don't know either, but I do know that you should stop that."
And before Draco could figure out what Potter meant, he had grabbed Draco's hand that was still nervously attacking the fibres covering his leg.

"Please, calm down."
Draco blinked before looking into Potter's eyes that were piercing right through him.
"Okay..."
Draco almost whispered the word but it was enough. Potter still didn't let go of his hand though. So Draco pulled it back with force.
For a moment, Potter looked disappointed, until Draco placed his other hand in Harry's. It was simply more convenient to use the hand that was right next to Harry.
They exchanged a quick and shy smile.

"I'm sorry I have a hard time accepting any affection. I guess it's because I don't think I deserve it..."
It was admittedly short but Draco felt he somewhat owed Potter an explanation for the way he was acting.
Replacing the nervous movement of his hand, Draco began to chew on the inside of his lip. Anxiously awaiting a response from Potter.

"Well you do Draco. You do deserve it. And I hope that you'll accept that some day."
Oh how Draco hoped the same thing. But he was a lot less optimistic than Potter in the matter.
"I'm not sure about that but thank you for saying it."
"It's alright. I just hope the day will come when you are sure."